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Sportive rules - a proposal

mpattsmpatts Posts: 1,002
I was reading on t'interweb last night that a new forest MP is proposing some tighter regulation around sportives. Having done the brickhills challenge at the weekend, I wholeheartedly agree. Let me get the ball rolling:

1) Chip timing is categorised into three: "nice", "bloody nice", "Amazing". "What was your time?" "Amazing"
2) Each event to have a mandatory broom wagon. Using a stout broom, the 'drivers mate' pulls alongside riders and pushes those into a hedge/ditch who:

a) Have bikes that squeak like an old wooden pirate ship
b) Wear compression socks
c) Generally look bloody miserable

any more for any more?
Insert bike here:

Posts

  • mpatts wrote:
    I was reading on t'interweb last night that a new forest MP is proposing some tighter regulation around sportives. Having done the brickhills challenge at the weekend, I wholeheartedly agree. Let me get the ball rolling:

    1) Chip timing is categorised into three: "nice", "bloody nice", "Amazing". "What was your time?" "Amazing"
    2) Each event to have a mandatory broom wagon. Using a stout broom, the 'drivers mate' pulls alongside riders and pushes those into a hedge/ditch who:

    a) Have bikes that squeak like an old wooden pirate ship
    b) Wear compression socks
    c) Generally look bloody miserable

    any more for any more?
    Riders who do any of the following should be penalised:

    Drop litter - you're slogging your fat @rse around an easy course and you haven't earned the right to act irresponsibly.

    Take it seriously - you're slogging your fat @rse around an easy course and you haven't earned the right to act like it matters, because it doesn't.

    Race - you're slogging your fat @rse around an easy course. If you want to race, race against people who know they're racing you.

    Leave their number on the bike - you're slogging your fat @rse around an easy course and nobody else cares. Especially 2 weeks later.

    Pay to enter - they're your roads, why pay a company to put a couple of gels out for you? Man up, fill your pockets and leave your own house to ride the same distance, alone, like a man would. And then shut up about it.
  • pblakeneypblakeney Posts: 14,197
    Riders who do any of the following should be penalised:

    Pay to enter - they're your roads, why pay a company to put a couple of gels out for you? Man up, fill your pockets and leave your own house to ride the same distance, alone, like a man would. And then shut up about it.

    There is the truth. Although you don't have to go out alone.

    If anyone wishes to defend sportives then the only defence is carmaderie.
    Go out with friends then.
    The above may be fact, or fiction, I may be serious, I may be jesting.
    I am not sure. You have no chance.
    veronese68 wrote:
    PB is the most sensible person on here.
  • mpattsmpatts Posts: 1,002
    there is a lot of good to say about Sportives, they just need proper regulation.

    Another one:

    - Riders must draw alongside horsists and engage them in cheery conversation about what a nice day it is for a ride. if going uphill at the time, you must ask for a pull. if they ask what'g going on, you must say "It's a bit like a sponsored hack".
    Insert bike here:
  • I think I may have fallen fowl of a rule you are yet to add to the list.

    I took my number off my bike after a recent sportive and fitted it to my 3 year old daughters "Disney Princess" pink bike.

    She loves it... am I a chipper?
  • mpattsmpatts Posts: 1,002
    I think I may have fallen fowl of a rule you are yet to add to the list.

    I took my number off my bike after a recent sportive and fitted it to my 3 year old daughters "Disney Princess" pink bike.

    She loves it... am I a chipper?

    I'm not keeper of the cog, but I reckon that's ok.
    Insert bike here:
  • RideOnTimeRideOnTime Posts: 4,712
    I think I may have fallen fowl of a rule you are yet to add to the list.

    I took my number off my bike after a recent sportive and fitted it to my 3 year old daughters "Disney Princess" pink bike.

    She loves it... am I a chipper?

    a ringer
  • RideOnTimeRideOnTime Posts: 4,712
    mpatts wrote:
    there is a lot of good to say about Sportives, they just need proper regulation.

    Another one:

    - Riders must draw alongside horsists and engage them in cheery conversation about what a nice day it is for a ride. if going uphill at the time, you must ask for a pull. if they ask what'g going on, you must say "It's a bit like a sponsored hack".

    ask them to pull you off!
  • veronese68veronese68 Posts: 23,455 Lives Here
    I agree with most of the above, especially Sleeper Cell, generally ban anyone that takes themselves too seriously.
    I would ask a vaguely related question. Waiting for the start of the Splash London 86 this year there was a bloke banging on about how he was going to ride it "like a sportive". What does that mean? Did he mean he was going to act like a complete censored ? I suspect he wouldn't have had to try too hard if that was the case. Personally I rode it as if I was riding in the wet surrounded by thousands of idiots. This wasn't true of all of the riders, but it kept me away from those that were.
  • ProssPross Posts: 25,459
    Anyone using 'tribars' in a sportive should have said bars removed from the bike and inserted somewhere that requires surgical removal.

    As for putting the number on your daughter's bike I'm tempted to say she should have to earn it but on review and in keeping with many of Sleeper Cell's excellent points I like the idea of someone's ego being shattered by seeing a 4 year old riding around with one of their treasured numbers on the bike. Better still a comment from some colleague / friend along the lines of 'I thought you said that bike ride you did was hard? I just saw a little kid on a princess bike who did it'.
  • WheelspinnerWheelspinner Posts: 5,009
    My rule would be to shoot any fool who wears a full pro-team kit and then rides the wrong brand of bike. There's a bloke round here who rides in BMC team kit, jersey, shorts, socks, cap, the lot... And rides a Giant.

    I really don't care if you want to wear the pro kit to be honest, just make sure you have the bike to match. :x
    Open O-1.0 Open One+ BMC TE29 Titus Racer X Ti Giant MCM One Cannondale Prophet Lefty Cannondale Super V SL Cove Handjob Cervelo RS
  • mpattsmpatts Posts: 1,002
    Pross wrote:
    Anyone using 'tribars' in a sportive should have said bars removed from the bike and inserted somewhere that requires surgical removal.

    riders must, at all times, wear socks.
    Insert bike here:
  • My rule would be to shoot any fool who wears a full pro-team kit and then rides the wrong brand of bike. There's a bloke round here who rides in BMC team kit, jersey, shorts, socks, cap, the lot... And rides a Giant.

    I really don't care if you want to wear the pro kit to be honest, just make sure you have the bike to match. :x
    Oooh, this is a good debate. It might be like band roadies who CANNOT wear the t-shirt of the band they're roading for so they have to wear the t-shirt of another (cooler) band. Maybe full BMC kit on a BMC would look like somebody was trying too hard. Maybe mixing and matching is like a subtle nod to acknowledge he's not taking it totally seriously, or even has a BMC as his good bike. Maybe his wife* got it for him and she doesn't understand the politics of club/kit/bike matching.

    *in the interests of fairness and political correctness, it might have been his husband, boyfriend, lifetime partner, girlfriend etc etc
  • marcusjbmarcusjb Posts: 2,412
    "Epic" should never be used to describe a 100 mile bike ride.
  • pdstsppdstsp Posts: 1,264
    marcusjb wrote:
    "Epic" should never be used to describe a 100 mile bike ride.


    :D:D:D
  • StedmanStedman Posts: 377
    Judging from all the anti-cycling pressure coming from within the New Forest, I am not surprised that even the local MP has had to respond with a commons speech in order to ensure his seat is secure in May next year. If you look at his speech http://www.julianlewis.net/commons-spee ... new-forest he has not actually said a lot.

    I do get it that the locals don’t like mass numbers of bicycles with numbers on roads with animals. So long as there are other parts of the contrary where we are still welcomed, I am inclined to give the New Forest a wide birth and leave that area well alone.
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 79,692
    Actually seems quite reasonable. The issue was that there were 2 sportives at the same time on the same day in the other thread (and it also appears that one sportive clashed with a 'drift' when the horses can get quite flighty).

    Regulating the numbers in a mass event isn't that bad? They are already regulated by Wiggle or whoever due to the logistics. They could half the numbers and run the event twice?

    I grew up in the NF and it is amazing for cycling as the roads are so quiet. I talk to my parents about it as she receives the local papers who often quote lycra wars and races and basically spout the normal tripe about banning cyclists.

    He also goes on to talk about the docking stations. What a complete waste of time and money. It would be FAR better for a private enterprise to do it with shops 10-15 miles apart or so as you couldn't have a car constantly driving around, re-allocating bikes, fixing them etc etc. It would be a logistical nightmare.
  • mpattsmpatts Posts: 1,002
    I am disappointed that the thread has now become serious. Let me get back on track.

    When seeing anyone in sky kit, national champ kit, or world champ kit, you must say hello and quote their name. "hi Michael/Brad/Pete", before asking how they think they will fair in next years classics.
    Insert bike here:
  • Do people still wear compression socks?

    I mean... really???? :shock:
  • pinnopinno Posts: 40,226
    People who say 'I won a sportive' should be locked up with Anne Widdicombe for a month with Barry Manilow streamed into the cell 24/7.

    I know quite a few who 'race' sportives'. It always begs the question "When you are approaching a feed station, what do you do? Do you say "hang on fella's i'm feeling peckish" or do you say "You have something to eat mate, you're looking a little peaky, we'll just ride on" '.

    In the light of the above, can sportive organisers arrange a fake finishing line 100 yards from the real finish line for the top 20 riders. Funnel them away to the special 'winners enclosure' for a couple of hours and tell them all that they came last.
    seanoconn - gruagach craic!
  • veronese68veronese68 Posts: 23,455 Lives Here
    Do people still wear compression socks?

    I mean... really???? :shock:
    If the Mrs washes my socks too hot and they shrink enough does that count as compression socks?
    otherwise, no.
  • whoofwhoof Posts: 756
    The time taken to eat cake and get back on their at the food stop should be recorded, the days fastest imbiber of baked goods should be declared the 'winner' of the event.
    Having seen some people at food stops I think this may already be in place.
  • veronese68 wrote:
    Do people still wear compression socks?

    I mean... really???? :shock:
    If the Mrs washes my socks too hot and they shrink enough does that count as compression socks?
    otherwise, no.

    I've a few t-shirts that act as compression tops... Back on the salad I suppose :?
    Advocate of disc brakes.
  • floreriderflorerider Posts: 1,112
    Sat in the sun drinking coffee and eating cake at a feed station on the Shropshire Hills and 2 guys came by, one started to pull in, the other shouted "don't stop keep going" in a serious manner. Much mirth all round. Laughed so much had to get another cup of nice hot coffee and chat about how the tour was shaping up.

    Don't know what the rush was, Didn't even have timing chips for the event!

    A couple of minutes later a couple of girls, obviously new to the distance, slowly pedalled in for much needed food and support, and were greeted like heroes and given massive encouragement.
  • whoof wrote:
    The time taken to eat cake and get back on their at the food stop should be recorded, the days fastest imbiber of baked goods should be declared the 'winner' of the event.
    Having seen some people at food stops I think this may already be in place.

    This is why for me my "time" is irrelevant. It depends how long I've taken to eat my cake(s)
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