The lowest common denominator thread
finchy
Posts: 6,686
Did anyone see Top Gear last night? Jeremy Clarkson called environmentalists "sandal-wearing, beardy yoghurt-eaters". I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself. He should be Prime Minister. Look at that bird with big t1ts. I'd definitely give her one. England would have won the last World Cup if we didn't have Hodgson as manager. It should have been Redknapp. He's a man of the people, not like Hodgson who speaks foreign languages and reads books. I'm off to Asda now, need to pick up a few cans of Stella to drink before going to the pub. I need to was my mouth out with some lager, my wife (bless 'er) bought the wrong type of microwave meal and it had garlic in it. I hate that foreign muck.
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I am not sure. You have no chance.
I've got this great new full suspension mountain bike from Halfords. It only cost me £129. Bargain!
I am not sure. You have no chance.
They cannot even use their imaginations to steal a bolt cutter.
Not that I would condone such actions. Obviously.
I am not sure. You have no chance.
1. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”
2. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
3. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”
4. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”
5. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”
6. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”
7. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”
8. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
9. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”
10. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”
11. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”
12. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
13. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”
14. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”
15. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”
16. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”
17. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”
18. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”
19. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”
20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
21. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”
22. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”
23. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”
24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
No, I just find him really tedious. Jeremy Clarkson says something "outrageous". A couple of people on Twatter react. Newspapers run story about "Jeremy Clarkson provokes outrage with ........ comments". Repeat the following week. Yawn.
Jeremy Clarkson is a rectum that can speak.
People who want him to go away would probably do better if they didn't join in the modern plague of enthusiastic pseudo-outrage - one of my least favourite aspects of 21st century culture is the number of people who pretend to be offended about things when their real feeling is one of glee that their opponents have given them an opportunity to attack.
Can we please get back to talking like dribbling cretins?
"Quite simply, the collective intelligence level is dropping so rapidly that it's becoming increasingly difficult for producers to insult the intelligence of the American public," said News Corp president and COO Peter Chernin. "Without a way to set a floor for the lowest common denominator, even the stupidest material we can develop is not stupid enough for audiences to enjoy."
And anuva thing, show me a beautiful bird and I'll show you someone who's bored boning her.
Cheers J.C.
Desmond Tutu