Help with wedding speech

veterangaz

So I get married to my mrs next year, being terrible at speeches I thought I best start planning now. I do not want to use any lines off the internet, been to enough weddings where people have done that. I realise the grooms speech is not really meant to be funny, I just want to make light of a situation in a funny way.

Essentially the wedding breakfast will take place in a long narrow room. The top table at one end rather than in the middle. Problem is, there is a couple of pillars in the middle of the room. They do not really split the room but are obviously noticeable. Anyone have an idea about how I can put a joke in the speech about them, and make the people towards the back feel better despite being almost split from the other half of the room. Don't get me wrong, it is a great venue and the pillars do not split the room as such but there will be an element of half and half and I thought a joke may help.

Thanks!

arran77

Why not make a joke along the lines of the venue being cheap because of it (I'm sure it's not by the way ) and thank everyone because with the money it saved you, you managed to buy such and such a bike and you'll now be able to spend hours away from the missus on it

Velonutter

Best bit of advice anyone ever gave me is throw away the guidelines and talk from your heart, if you are naturally funny then it will be even more natural.

I recently gave a speech for my daughters wedding, I looked what had to be said and then just put bullet points down to refresh my mind and cracked a few jokes in between.

HTH

mouth

I did it the easy way - covered the basics and then let the Mrs. have a few words. It was kinda planned like that cos I'm not really a public speaker in terms of standing up in front of a room full of people - put me round a table with a few folk and I'll be fine. She's a teacher and is entirely comfortable with this talking in public thingy.

I started with the line "I wanted to start by thanking (father-in-law) for letting me have his daughters hand in marriage, although secretly I suspect he's thanking me for taking her off him".

I agree with the speak from the heart bit.

tlw1

Both our families are exceptionally sarcastic so I knew whatever I prepared would get derailed - so I spoke from the heart and responded to the heckling

arran77

matthew h wrote:

Both our families are exceptionally sarcastic so I knew whatever I prepared would get derailed - so I spoke from the heart and responded to the heckling

You'd have been too pi$$ed to make a speech on your wedding day wouldn't you :P

WindyG

I did it really easy, stood up said thanks to everybody and then let the wife do the speech.

DeVlaeminck

If you are worried about making a speech next year then I would suggest keeping it short and simple too. People don't expect everyone to be an accomplished after dinner speaker and they'll only really remember it if it's exceptionally good or exceptionally bad. Talk for a couple of minutes and sit down, job done.

4kicks

You could go with "can you hear me in the back of the audience? No? Oh well, that's what you get if you dont pony up for the good seats" ..but honestly unless you are really relaxed with telling jokes its mostly in teh delivery and so Id have to go with what everyone else above sais, thank em for coming, tell em how happy you are and thank the mother of the bride (always a safe option), then hand over to the wife. 3 mins tops, job done, more time for the drinking and dancin...

metronome

Apologise to the guests who are obscured by the pillars and tell them that at your next wedding they can have a better seat.

capt_slog

It's traditional to start the speech with "My wife and I". It's the first time you get to say it officially, and the older folks expect it. You will get a sort of jeer for it, but it's well meant.

You're getting married next year? It's honestly too early to be doing this. Any thing you write now will seem stale by the time you get there, and because it will no longer seem funny to you, you run the risk of trying to polish your speech to the point it gets obscure or ridiculous.

You don't have to worry too much as the groom, do Vellonutter says, and let it come from the heart. Just have a few ideas of what you need to say.

god1406

metronome wrote:

Apologise to the guests who are obscured by the pillars and tell them that at your next wedding they can have a better seat.

This.

steerpike

grab the mic and lay this one down as loud as you can:

Ey ey ba day ba wadladie day
Ay um ba day
Ba day ba wadladie day
Ey ey ba day ba wadladie day
Ay um ba da- ay um ba da-da-da-da wadladie day one!

Ay um ba day ay um ba da-da-da-da wadladie day
Ay um ba day ay um ba da-da-da-da wadladie day one!

Ey ey ba day ba wadladie day
Ay um ba day ba day ba wadladie day
Ey ey ba day ba wadladie day one!

Ay um ba day ay um ba da-da-da-da wadladie day one! One! One! One!

mr_goo

Well whatever speech you make it cannot be worse than the one made at a wedding by the father of the bride, where I was best man to my friend. He stood up, said 'Thanks for coming' and sat down again. He was not even two parts to the wind.

izza

Make sure you tell everyone the bride looks beautiful in her wedding dress. I missed that bit out and 12 years on I am still reminded.

I know of someone who hired a dwarf who hid outside the eating area. As the Master of ceremonies came in with a large block of ice, the groom stood up and waited. In rushes the dwarf with a ice pick and smashes said block. After 30 seconds, with crowd in complete laughter/bemusement, he duly told crowd, "I wa told to start this speech with a little icebreaker."

secretsam

izza wrote:

Make sure you tell everyone the bride looks beautiful in her wedding dress. I missed that bit out and 12 years on I am still reminded.

...and how lucky you are that she's got crummy eyesight and so chose your ugly mug. Thank whoever's paying for the gig. Say some nice stuff. Sit down.

snowley

Definitely mention how beautiful the bride is, and don't read that part off a piece of paper!!!

The main focus of the speech should be to thank everyone, give gifts to anyone you have gifts for (the Mum's/Bridesmaids etc), make a dig at the Best man who will speak after you about him having a very poor memory etc.

At the end of the day, people will know you and will love whatever you say.

It will be the BEST day of your life

tyred&weary

Elope; you know it makes sense.

capt_slog

metronome wrote:

Apologise to the guests who are obscured by the pillars and tell them that at your next wedding they can have a better seat.

Definitely NOT this. It's only funny to a few of your mates, it's insulting to your new bride and things like this have a way of coming back and biting you on the arse.

CHRISNOIR

Velonutter wrote:

Best bit of advice anyone ever gave me is throw away the guidelines and talk from your heart, if you are naturally funny then it will be even more natural.

Very much this. I had to do a best man's speech a few months ago and spent around six months fretting about it. I'm a hopeless speaker but it's surprisingly easy. Try and get a couple of gags in but it's not a stand-up routine and short and sweet is definitely the way to go. No-one really wants to sit through an epic oration - they want a few laughs and then for you to get it over with so they can continue throwing booze back.