Working Away From Family

Pross

My wife seems to be seriously wanting a move to West Wales and the kids are quite keen too. I also like the idea of living down there but whilst the wife is in a job that she could easily replace over there I have next to no chance of getting a job at a reasonable level in my profession and realistically would have to continue working in Cardiff. Logistically this would mean travelling back east on a Monday morning and staying at the in-laws during the week before travelling home on a Friday.

I was just wondering if any of you have made a similar move and if so do you find that the quality of time spent with your family at the weekend improved enough to justify not seeing them during the week? Most week days I probably spend about 2 - 3 hours in the evening at home with them but it isn't exactly quality time by time I've done a few chores and the kids are doing their homework / watching TV in a different room etc.

The cycling is great down there but then I'd be using up some of my limited time with them indulging myself. However, we could spend lots of time at the beach where I could get to finally learn to surf and use the board I'm building with a friend. We would also be able to do a lot of walking and my daughter would have better routes for riding her horse. The school is supposedly very good (my elder daughter has a friend who moved down there 2 years ago) and it is a good time to move as the elder daughter is starting A levels in September whilst the youngest makes a move to comprehensive.

nathancom

That is a real dilemma. I would miss my daughter too much to work away from home. Is there no way you can get a decent job in a similar field?

CiB

Quality time isn't necessarily time spent building tree-houses, poring over the family tree identifying the previous 11 generations etc, it's also grunting in sync at football on the telly, handing over a bemused cat as you go to make a cup of tea, or just ordering them off to bed. It's about being there.

Personal view only, but I couldn't do it. Esp if it involved living with the in-laws.

arthur_scrimshaw

Is this a quality of life Vs income issue, a toughy but are you sure you couldn't get by with less money (at least for a while)?

arran77

There's no way I could do it but it's a very personal thing which only you and your family can answer, I guess it comes down to choosing between family time and the things that a better wage can provide?

Also as you say you have one teenage daughter and one soon to be teenage daughter so I reckon I'd be keeping out of the house if I could

RideOnTime

I think there are giants there....

Pross

Arthur Scrimshaw wrote:

Is this a quality of life Vs income issue, a toughy but are you sure you couldn't get by with less money (at least for a while)?

Not really. It's not about me moving away in the aim of making more money. Unfortunately the work I do is almost entirely carried out by consultancies in big towns / cities. The only likely option in that part of the world would be public sector but they are cutting back. Bearing in mind the cost of renting a larger place there would be saving me £500 per month over my current mortgage money wouldn't be a major factor but ultimately I'm qualified to do any other type of work so we are looking at the difference between a good salary in a professional occupation or something pretty much unskilled. It's a tough one as the wife has been looking to do something like this for a while and I would like her to be able to have a less stressful life but at the expense of me living 4 days a week with her parents?? :shock:

nathancom

Can you work from home as a freelancer and just travel in when you need to?

markhewitt1978

Nah I couldn't do it, family isn't just for the weekends, and yes, much of the time when I'm home it's just dinner and putting her to bed, but I wouldn't miss that for the world.

It's the sort of thing you do if you really have to and you've got no other choice of job, not something you'd do by choice.

sloppyschleckonds

It doesn't sound like its worth the upheaval.

Pross

nathancom wrote:

Can you work from home as a freelancer and just travel in when you need to?

Nope, I run the office. I would try to arrange compressing my hours into 4 days though.

Pross

The thing is the wife and kids are keen on it (maybe this shows their opinion on having to live with me!) so if I veto it then I'll be pretty unpopular anyway. It's a lose / lose by the looks of things although the move would encourage me to more with them all at the weekend than I currently do.

markhewitt1978

How long is the commute? What about a compromise where you stay overnight there 2 or 3 night a week rather than being away all week?

VmanF3

Similar situation, but worse and better?

I work as an officer on a cruise ship. 4 months on, two months off. Sometimes hard when I'm away, but great when I'm home for a whole 2 months hols. Hard for the family left here, but they enjoy the income as I've no expenses to speak of onboard. I even keep a bike there, so have managed to cycle in about 60 countries so far. Bonus!

Rough with the smooth, I like working away. Plenty of folk manage. You just adapt. It's also not forever.

Loretta Damage

One of the reasons I left the RAF 18 months ago after 26 years was the worryingly realistic possibility of having to weekend commute for the remaining 12 years until I hit 55. It really hit home on my last tour away when the Mess was full of blokes older than me who's kids were all either due to go off to uni, join up etc.., they were all very similar in that apart from periods of leave they had effectively only seen their kids on the weekend. They were all looking forward to leaving the mob to spend time with a family that had already left home, a lot of the kids who are on the receiving end of this routine say that they don't really know their Dad which, if true, is really sad. I didn't want to take the risk.

Pross

markhewitt1978 wrote:

How long is the commute? What about a compromise where you stay overnight there 2 or 3 night a week rather than being away all week?

It's about 100 miles each way, takes around 2 hours in decent traffic. I could possibly go back on a Wednesday but it would be gone 8pm when I get there and I'd need to leave around 6am.

capt_slog

No.

I wouldn't do it. It would be a different matter if it was the only way you could get a job/house, but to split up the family because half of it thinks it looks nicer over there isn't a good enough reason.

markhewitt1978

Yeah that's a bummer. I did a commute from Durham to York which was similar. I tended to stay overnight Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

I left at 6am Monday morning but was able to finish at 3.30pm most days so on Wednesdays I'd be home at just after 5pm which wasn't too bad.

Having said that this was before my daughter came along, not sure I could do it now. If you could somehow wangle your working hours so you get home at a decent time then perhaps it's doable, otherwise I would be deploying the veto.

florerider

Pross

I have worked away from home for years on a varying number of days per week. That includes weekly commuting to Europe for nigh on 6 years, and all over the place for 4 to 14 day trips when I was in sales.

The family gets used to it - but it does limit the time available to spend with them, and giving up the weekend for other interests then becomes much more difficult.

I spent 7 years living in West Wales and working away every week, usually Monday to Friday, but sometimes only 3 or 4 days of the week. Loved living there and that alone could be enough to sway it. However there are pluses and minuses. If you want to chat it through any more PM me.

markhewitt1978

florerider wrote:

The family gets used to it - but it does limit the time available to spend with them, and giving up the weekend for other interests then becomes much more difficult.

This is an important point. If you aren't there at all during the week, you can basically forget cycling at the weekend. Your own conscience wouldn't allow it. You might be able to make up for it with weekday cycling?

Pross

markhewitt1978 wrote:

florerider wrote:

The family gets used to it - but it does limit the time available to spend with them, and giving up the weekend for other interests then becomes much more difficult.

This is an important point. If you aren't there at all during the week, you can basically forget cycling at the weekend. Your own conscience wouldn't allow it. You might be able to make up for it with weekday cycling?

Yep, I'd probably make 1st cat with the amount of time I'd spend on the bike during the week to avoid the mother-in-law

bianchimoon

Life is too short to spend 2/3rds of it away from family, in fact was working 50 mi away and packed it in to set up my own business as was going out in the morning before kids were awake and coming in when they were in bed, having said that no matter how much time you have to spend with the kids, it's never enough... such is life - eh

markhewitt1978

Even though I see my daughter in the mornings and evenings and at the weekends; you're right, it isn't enough, and whenever I have a holiday off work for more than a few days I feel like I'm getting to know her all over again as she's changes all the time.

OP; quit your job, become a stay at home Dad and send your wife out to work; you know it makes sense

veterangaz

In what ever profession you do, can you start your own firm where you are moving to? It is dirt cheap to rent office space in the current climate.

taff..

I've just left the forces for this exact reason, I've reached the end of my 22 year contract and was offered another 5 years but my goal in life is to be at home every night to put him to bed. I spent over 10 years in various locations around the UK and abroad and have had enough of it.

lots of people do it, some enjoy it but most don't.

sit down and draw up a list of all the stuff you do with/for the family on a day to day basis and have a good think about whether you would be happy to not be doing those things, and will the Mrs be happy having to do them in your absense

craker

Cardiff's a fantastic place to live, you need to remember all you'll be leaving behind when you set up in the West. I suppose you've considered moving out of town? (glamorgan, monmouthshire - but you wont save any money on rent).

Pross

craker wrote:

Cardiff's a fantastic place to live, you need to remember all you'll be leaving behind when you set up in the West. I suppose you've considered moving out of town? (glamorgan, monmouthshire - but you wont save any money on rent).

I'm an Abergavenny boy although live near Newport these days. The properties available out west are incredible for the money, 3 bedroom detached converted coach house with about 0.5 acres of land, sea view for less than £600 per month and the rural nature makes Monmouthshire seem built up. Add to that it's got the sea on the doorstep and that the wife spent a large amount of her holidays there as a kid and you can see the appeal!

pinno

Couldn't do it Pross. I have condensed a 5 day week into a 3 and a half day week to accommodate family life. My OH works more hours than me but between the two of us, never use creche's or babysitters.
The time lost with your offspring can never be reclaimed. One day, they will flee the nest and you can have all the options available to you.
If it meant a less important job, perhaps even less hours in Wales with fantastic cycling opportunities, that is the better option unless you financially you have no choice.

finchy

Couldn't you live somewhere else that offers the best of both worlds? The must be some really beautiful countryside within striking distance of a big town/city somewhere in Wales.

And what about changing career? How old are you? Do you enjoy what you are doing at the moment?

DeVlaeminck

I couldn't do it. I know you say there is next to no chance of getting a similar job over there but is there "any" chance at all - might be worth putting some feelers out. Otherwise I'd go for the compromise of finding a better lifestyle/house or whatever close enough to where you work now. If not West Wales what about other parts of the UK which might combine the countryside/coast etc with access to a big city ?

Pross

Just been told my eldest isn't keen any longer. She's in police cadets with her ambition being a job in the Met and there doesn't appear to be a scheme in that area. Ironically it was her going on about her friend's move there and us going down to visit them that set the whole thing in motion but now it's looking less likely.

I see the point about other areas with the country life nearer a city but the beauty of West Wales was it was viable financially which in itself is presumably due to the dilemma I've been having, we've previously talked about Devon where we had a caravan for years but that is pricey. I had just been looking at job opportunities and there were some but it would probably have been contract work. Realistically, although we are suburban at the moment we are on the edge of some great countryside and probably ought to just make more of what we already have.