How to be faster

marylogic

I've been learning a lot recently, both from Bikeradar and general experience, so I thought I'd summarise how to be faster:

1. Avoid hills.Hilly routes wreak havoc with your average speed and must be avoided

2.Ditto long routes. The longer you are out for the slower your average speed will be so best to minimise time out. Probably about 10 minutes is optimal.

3.Avoid headwinds. If possible choose a linear route with a tailwind and have someone pick you up at the end. If this is not possible it may be best to just use the turbo trainer.

4.Set your Garmin virtual partner to as slow as possible so you are comparatively faster. I like to think of my virtual partner as an overweight Rangers fan on a Tesco mountain bike, but it could equally be a chain smoking granny or 4 year old girl.

5. Change your gender to female on Strava - and watch the top 10s roll in!

6.Don't take any water or food with you on rides - they will just weigh you down. Cycle with your mouth fully open instead - small insects will provide nutrition (proteins are the new carbs) and rain/spray from passing lorries will keep you hydrated.

I think that's it covered.

pride4ever

Go out naked, clothes just cause drag.

Davdandy

Snap your shoulders back to aid aerodynamics.

Add WD40 to the wheels to help them glide on the road.

Ride nude but cover the body in baby oil.

Only ride downhill.

Only ride on the smoothest roads,no bumps,potholes,as smooth as a babies `arris.

Cycle in a vacuum.

simonhead

Davdandy wrote:

Ride nude but cover the body in baby oil.

Ensure you are entirely hairless before adding the baby oil and wedge a stick of celery between the bum cheeks as it improves aerodynamicism.

Davdandy

simonhead wrote:

Davdandy wrote:

Ride nude but cover the body in baby oil.

Ensure you are entirely hairless before adding the baby oil and wedge a stick of celery between the bum cheeks as it improves aerodynamicism.

Good advice but i was thinking more of a carrot,being as it is pointed.

goonz

Shouldn't excellent advise like this be on the Amateur Race board?

Those guys will love you for it.

simonhead

Davdandy wrote:

simonhead wrote:

Davdandy wrote:

Ride nude but cover the body in baby oil.

Ensure you are entirely hairless before adding the baby oil and wedge a stick of celery between the bum cheeks as it improves aerodynamicism.

Good advice but i was thinking more of a carrot,being as it is pointed.

The problem with carrots is they block the hole, the curved nature of celery meens a partial fill, compressing the results of a high fibre diet and further increasing speed.

goonz

Think there is waaaay too much knowledge on rear orifice entry objects.... :shock:

simonhead

goonz wrote:

Think there is waaaay too much knowledge on rear orifice entry objects.... :shock:

All hypothetical (from me anyway) just basic physics and biology.

marylogic

simonhead wrote:

Davdandy wrote:

Ride nude but cover the body in baby oil.

Ensure you are entirely hairless before adding the baby oil and wedge a stick of celery between the bum cheeks as it improves aerodynamicism.

Great idea - you could then have the celery as a snack whilst waiting at the bottom of the hill for your lift to turn up

goonz

simonhead wrote:

goonz wrote:

Think there is waaaay too much knowledge on rear orifice entry objects.... :shock:

All hypothetical (from me anyway) just basic physics and biology.

Sure it is! :roll:

Davdandy

I get you point with the celery but not fully convinced.

Maybe a compromise would suffice,how about a tube of Polo`s,that way there is food and because of the hollow nature it would allow wind and air to pass smoothly and efficiency,and as a Brucie bonus would make the `arris smell all the more fresher for any cyclist riding behind.

team47b

well this thread certainly went downhill very quickly

southdownswolf

I live too close to Brighton to ride around with a stick of Celery up my backside.... :shock:

Mind you, might make me ride quicker

Davdandy

Another tip you could try is to sharpen your nose using an ice-cream cone,thus creating a streamlined fizzog.Of course,if you have a nose like Cyrano de Bergerac then you are on a winner all the way.

smoggysteve

Ref no 4. How many times does the Virtual partner still hammer your time ????

keef66

Davdandy wrote:

Another tip you could try is to sharpen your nose using an ice-cream cone,thus creating a streamlined fizzog.Of course,if you have a nose like Cyrano de Bergerac then you are on a winner all the way.

Seemed to work for Coppi...

WiganLardster

I think Cyrano had a bent nose, though, so his assymetrical aerodynamic profile would cause him to 'crab' in the wind, possibly into the path of an oncoming onion transportation lorry.

smoggysteve

WiganLardster wrote:

I think Cyrano had a bent nose, though, so his assymetrical aerodynamic profile would cause him to 'crab' in the wind, possibly into the path of an oncoming onion transportation lorry.

That was Pinarellos inspiration for their bike designs

Davdandy

WiganLardster wrote:

I think Cyrano had a bent nose, though, so his assymetrical aerodynamic profile would cause him to 'crab' in the wind, possibly into the path of an oncoming onion transportation lorry.

Of course you are right.........but...........what the OP could do is use his dewdrops from his nose to rest on his chin,thus forming a bridge between nose and chin,helping the aerodynamics.Works better of course when frozen.

simonhead

Davdandy wrote:

WiganLardster wrote:

I think Cyrano had a bent nose, though, so his assymetrical aerodynamic profile would cause him to 'crab' in the wind, possibly into the path of an oncoming onion transportation lorry.

Of course you are right.........but...........what the OP could do is use his dewdrops from his nose to rest on his chin,thus forming a bridge between nose and chin,helping the aerodynamics.Works better of course when frozen.

I see where you are going with this, it would act like a splitter on an F1 car? If he had a chin like Jimmy Hill as well he would be unstoppable.

Davdandy

simonhead wrote:

Davdandy wrote:

WiganLardster wrote:

I think Cyrano had a bent nose, though, so his assymetrical aerodynamic profile would cause him to 'crab' in the wind, possibly into the path of an oncoming onion transportation lorry.

Of course you are right.........but...........what the OP could do is use his dewdrops from his nose to rest on his chin,thus forming a bridge between nose and chin,helping the aerodynamics.Works better of course when frozen.

I see where you are going with this, it would act like a splitter on an F1 car? If he had a chin like Jimmy Hill as well he would be unstoppable.

That`s it,you got it.

simonhead

Just wish I had some art skills, picturing a race between him and the guys from last of the summer wine in a bathtub on wheels riding down a steep hill. Will put it as a suggestion on the Jimll paint it page on facebook.

WiganLardster

The pursuit of speed could be furthered by harnessing the power of the ginormous cobweb festooned granite ball from the opening scenes of Raiders of the Lost Ark. An ad hoc scaffolding could be constructed, perching the pertinent road bike atop the granite gob stopper, while stabilisers could be affixed through the ball's central axis to keep it in a forward motion.

simonhead

WiganLardster wrote:

The pursuit of speed could be furthered by harnessing the power of the ginormous cobweb festooned granite ball from the opening scenes of Raiders of the Lost Ark. An ad hoc scaffolding could be constructed, perching the pertinent road bike atop the granite gob stopper, while stabilisers could be affixed through the ball's central axis to keep it in a forward motion.

Now thats just being daft

southdownswolf

simonhead wrote:

WiganLardster wrote:

The pursuit of speed could be furthered by harnessing the power of the ginormous cobweb festooned granite ball from the opening scenes of Raiders of the Lost Ark. An ad hoc scaffolding could be constructed, perching the pertinent road bike atop the granite gob stopper, while stabilisers could be affixed through the ball's central axis to keep it in a forward motion.

Now thats just being daft

I thought that to go faster by cheating, you normally had one ball removed, not added :twisted:

Davdandy

simonhead wrote:

WiganLardster wrote:

The pursuit of speed could be furthered by harnessing the power of the ginormous cobweb festooned granite ball from the opening scenes of Raiders of the Lost Ark. An ad hoc scaffolding could be constructed, perching the pertinent road bike atop the granite gob stopper, while stabilisers could be affixed through the ball's central axis to keep it in a forward motion.

Now thats just being daft

Agreed.We have all be making good and sound advice on the subject then along comes an answer so far away from reality.Beggars belief. :roll:

Mikey23

Avoid gravity...

Davdandy

Gravity while on top of a hill is great,though not so good if you are at the bottom.

However,if you get close to a black hole then that will do the trick.personally i haven't seen one round these parts.