EX Wife being awkward about me seeing the little one

macleod113

Just wanted a rant and maybe some expert advice.

I have a little boy who is 5 in March and his other parent (we divorced 2.5 years ago) is being a right knob when it comes to access.

she will happily text and email saying what an awful father i am but when i ask to see him she is evasive or says my little one doesnt want to come.

i work shifts so i dont get the same days off each week so its diffucult to plan. i normally just tell her when i am free. i have a new partner and she has a 6 year old and we have a 4 month old baby together and when he comes my little one has a whale of a time. his other parent says he doesnt enjoy himself and doesnt want to come!

has anyone else experienced similar issues and has a way of dealing with tricky other parents?

cheers guys and girls

Cleat Eastwood

I thought the title was a euphemism

My belly is awkward about me seeing my little one. :roll:

danlikesbikes

Had some similar things & there is no simple answer.

Unless you both want to go down the legal route which apart from being costly, will cause no end of upset to your child. You need to try to keep open you communication & agree a plan, there are loads of charity organisations that offer free services, people like - http://www.separatedfamilies.info who have some good advice on what to do.

I know from personal & professional experience that it is very hard indeed & whilst simple to say "oh well both parents just need to get on" which doesn't really help. Would suggest that you read the sections on communication, and guides for visits. Then maybe arrange to met the other parent & point out that you primary concern is you child & perhaps show them what you have found. There is a good thing in there about building a chart for you, the other parent & your child as a way that everyone knows where they are and when.

macleod113

Thank you Danlikesbikes i'll check out the site. i should have mentioned she has already removed access in the past and after forking out £800 on solicitor bills just said yea, alright you can see him again. Frustrating isnt the word. sadly she is just jealous i have moved on and is making me suffer.

daviesee

My sympathies.
Your post could have been written by my stepson a couple of years ago (his son is now 8 ).
As he didn't find an easy solution I can't offer one for you, just a word of encouragement.
It is hard and frustrating just doesn't cover it but it gets easier.
You just have to do what you have to do and stay positive in front of the wee one. Don't be tempted to diss the ex in front of your son as that will mess with his head and upset him further.

You just have to make the most of the times you do get and stick with it until your son grows up a bit and can not only make up his own mind but speak it too. Keep him on side but if our experience is anything, he actually respects the strong boundaries as long as he has the fun times too. Spoiling them just leads to petulance.

It gets easier. It gets better. Good luck.
/rambling over/

team47b

been there.

they will make you suffer and as long as you show you are suffering they will do it, without the reaction they find other ways of pi55ing you off until the children reach 16 years old then the children can make their own decisions, and the leverage is then removed.

just enjoy being with your child when you can, when they grow up they will be there for you.

I had the custody of my two children and she still caused trouble whenever she could, I tried to ignore it and when the boys reached 16 they decided not to bother visiting her.

you can't fix some people.

dynamicbrick

I had eleven years of the ex pissing me about, moving all over the country (she's moved every six months, on average, with associated change of schooling), demanding ever increasing amounts of money (was already paying regular private arrangements), and filling my daughter's head full of very nasty stuff about my partner and our child (who came after her). That my daughter wasn't allowed to call me daddy. Endlessly pissing me about with access regards pick-up, etc. We simply couldn't undo the damage she was doing with her staying every other weekend.

This all eventually came to a head in September when the delightful bunnies of the CSA were called in because she refused to accept that I couldn't pay the demands for £600 pcm maintenance - none of which would have gone on my daughter anyway. Since the CSA, she has cut me off entirely, moved away again (80 miles), and changed her number. Daughter is no longer contactable via email, skype or mobile.

That woman put me through absolute hell for over a decade, and happily played off my overriding intent to do right by my kid. Looking back on it now, it wasn't doing my daughter any good either, not to mention the stress it caused with my wife and our kid.

In retrospect I now think, in my case, walking away and just paying maintenance via the CSA might have been a better bet all along for both me and my daughter, as well as my wife (who has admirably put up with all of this for nigh on ten years). I think the juxtaposition between my home once a fortnight; stable, caring, wide extended family - and her home; the complete opposite - might well have been more damaging in the long term for my daughter.

It's not an easy thing to say either to myself or out loud, but in essence I've let her go now. I had to for my own sanity, if nothing else. She knows where I am, and how to get hold of me, and she's old enough to get in touch. In meantime, the fortnightly emotional hurt has ceased, and things at home are far more harmonious as I'm not trying to dance to that bloody woman's ever changing tune.

I hope your case isn't as bad as mine - I wouldn't wish it on anyone - but I think the social stigma of 'absent father' may drive behaviour which isn't automatically in the best long term interests of anyone, least of all the child. Certainly I've had many times to reflect 'at what cost my life?' over the last ten years.

The point, eventually, being that hanging on for grim death to that relationship with your child when the ex is pulling the other way might not actually be the right thing to do. Think carefully about what you're prepared to put yourself through, and more importantly what you'll be putting your offspring through.

awallace

How sad. I cant offer advice from experience, however through my job, i would say keep your end as clean as possible - no ammo for "see, told you what your like". I would also keep a record of everytime you try and make contact, or are accused of something, almost like a diary. This way, even if its years down the road, you can tell your little one that you have tried and that you did care, and can show all of the letters, and contact etc. It also helps when faced with "why did you do this" later on by your child you can recall reasons from a diary that you may struggle to recall from memory.

Good luck.

dynamicbrick wrote:

I had eleven years of the ex pissing me about, moving all over the country (she's moved every six months, on average, with associated change of schooling), demanding ever increasing amounts of money (was already paying regular private arrangements), and filling my daughter's head full of very nasty stuff about my partner and our child (who came after her). That my daughter wasn't allowed to call me daddy. Endlessly pissing me about with access regards pick-up, etc. We simply couldn't undo the damage she was doing with her staying every other weekend.

This all eventually came to a head in September when the delightful bunnies of the CSA were called in because she refused to accept that I couldn't pay the demands for £600 pcm maintenance - none of which would have gone on my daughter anyway. Since the CSA, she has cut me off entirely, moved away again (80 miles), and changed her number. Daughter is no longer contactable via email, skype or mobile.

That woman put me through absolute hell for over a decade, and happily played off my overriding intent to do right by my kid. Looking back on it now, it wasn't doing my daughter any good either, not to mention the stress it caused with my wife and our kid.

In retrospect I now think, in my case, walking away and just paying maintenance via the CSA might have been a better bet all along for both me and my daughter, as well as my wife (who has admirably put up with all of this for nigh on ten years). I think the juxtaposition between my home once a fortnight; stable, caring, wide extended family - and her home; the complete opposite - might well have been more damaging in the long term for my daughter.

It's not an easy thing to say either to myself or out loud, but in essence I've let her go now. I had to for my own sanity, if nothing else. She knows where I am, and how to get hold of me, and she's old enough to get in touch. In meantime, the fortnightly emotional hurt has ceased, and things at home are far more harmonious as I'm not trying to dance to that bloody woman's ever changing tune.

I hope your case isn't as bad as mine - I wouldn't wish it on anyone - but I think the social stigma of 'absent father' may drive behaviour which isn't automatically in the best long term interests of anyone, least of all the child. Certainly I've had many times to reflect 'at what cost my life?' over the last ten years.

The point, eventually, being that hanging on for grim death to that relationship with your child when the ex is pulling the other way might not actually be the right thing to do. Think carefully about what you're prepared to put yourself through, and more importantly what you'll be putting your offspring through.

macleod113

it a difficult for anyone in the same boat. already i see sories that seem so much more difficult than my own. maybe i should be greatful for what i have. i have never tried to be pushy, have never sworn in email, texts so would like to think my end is indeed clean.
My Partner, her daughter and our new son just want the best for our irregular visitor and i want both of my sons growing up knowing and loving each other.
i wish everyone else in a similar situation the best for their future with their most precious children.

pinno

I think I would die a thousand deaths if I couldn't see my kids. Such a crying shame when relationships go t1ts up and there are children involved. I wish you all luck.

ShutUpLegs

Could you not apply for shared custody?

Rigga

dynamicbrick wrote:

I had eleven years of the ex pissing me about, moving all over the country (she's moved every six months, on average, with associated change of schooling), demanding ever increasing amounts of money (was already paying regular private arrangements), and filling my daughter's head full of very nasty stuff about my partner and our child (who came after her). That my daughter wasn't allowed to call me daddy. Endlessly pissing me about with access regards pick-up, etc. We simply couldn't undo the damage she was doing with her staying every other weekend.

This all eventually came to a head in September when the delightful bunnies of the CSA were called in because she refused to accept that I couldn't pay the demands for £600 pcm maintenance - none of which would have gone on my daughter anyway. Since the CSA, she has cut me off entirely, moved away again (80 miles), and changed her number. Daughter is no longer contactable via email, skype or mobile.

That woman put me through absolute hell for over a decade, and happily played off my overriding intent to do right by my kid. Looking back on it now, it wasn't doing my daughter any good either, not to mention the stress it caused with my wife and our kid.

In retrospect I now think, in my case, walking away and just paying maintenance via the CSA might have been a better bet all along for both me and my daughter, as well as my wife (who has admirably put up with all of this for nigh on ten years). I think the juxtaposition between my home once a fortnight; stable, caring, wide extended family - and her home; the complete opposite - might well have been more damaging in the long term for my daughter.

It's not an easy thing to say either to myself or out loud, but in essence I've let her go now. I had to for my own sanity, if nothing else. She knows where I am, and how to get hold of me, and she's old enough to get in touch. In meantime, the fortnightly emotional hurt has ceased, and things at home are far more harmonious as I'm not trying to dance to that bloody woman's ever changing tune.

I hope your case isn't as bad as mine - I wouldn't wish it on anyone - but I think the social stigma of 'absent father' may drive behaviour which isn't automatically in the best long term interests of anyone, least of all the child. Certainly I've had many times to reflect 'at what cost my life?' over the last ten years.

The point, eventually, being that hanging on for grim death to that relationship with your child when the ex is pulling the other way might not actually be the right thing to do. Think carefully about what you're prepared to put yourself through, and more importantly what you'll be putting your offspring through.

Wow, you've really been through the mill mate all the best for the future, to you and the OP ,believe in karma!

danlikesbikes

MacLeod113 wrote:

Thank you Danlikesbikes i'll check out the site. i should have mentioned she has already removed access in the past and after forking out £800 on solicitor bills just said yea, alright you can see him again. Frustrating isnt the word. sadly she is just jealous i have moved on and is making me suffer.

My mother is a family lawyer who specialises in these sorts of cases & have in the past worked for her firm so have a bit of knowledge, though am not fully trained and qualified to give direct advice myself.

One other thing to consider if you want to make it work for your little one and perhaps put some pressure on your ex is to consider some mediation who whilst there is a cost involved will work through in a formal manner items such as access & help in an access plan that both parties agree too. Plus in the future if you find your ex is causing you more problems then if you do need to appoint a lawyer again you will have some impartial background to use on your side.

Plus due to nature of mediation you may find out a bit more about the flip side of how your ex is feeling and perhaps be able to come to some common ground between you? Though sometimes this is easier said than done if your trying to play the nice guy routine and it never seems to work

This is another site - http://singleparents.about.com/od/legal ... iation.htm that is recommended to parents who may be having issues such as yours as it points to another option that whilst more formal that you both trying to get something out of this is certainly a lot more straight forward and less costly that a fully on legal dispute.

macleod113

Thanks again Dan. Every little helps as all of us in this state it seems will have this for 16 years or so

crispybug2

Can't offer any direct advice, but having been through a similar experience myself the best thing I can advise is buy a book and document every communication, date, time and every word said, and keep every receipt that you spend. It is, unfortunately, the only way.
The only other thing to do is to ALWAYS be nice to your ex in sight of your little one, call her every name under the sun when they're out of sight if you must, but this is really really important.
Hope things work out for you

Mikey23

Heartbreaking but no obvious answers. If the two parties are not working together in the best interests of the child then it isn't going to work. He will be the loser in all this and I'm sure he will work out later in life that his dad isn't the monster he was painted to be. Happened to me and it sucks

Gazzaputt

Another been there done it got the t-shirt.

Ex wives. Evil creatures. They are the most spiteful when it comes to a break up and will use any thing they can to screw you over.

Thank god my 2 are now 17 and 20 but I endeared 12 years of her spite.

Bizarrely she was the one who did the dirty and the off but as soon as she saw I was happy and settled she couldn't cope with it and used our children as a weapon. Still today she is the same!

Advice? Just keep your cool and as hard as it is don't let it get to you. Be polite and amicable and never ever say anything around the child. When they grow up the look back and see what happened and make their own conclusions.

Best of luck and I pity having the CSA involved.