'Stimulus' payment coming your way
pinno
Posts: 52,312
(well, so my mate told me)
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
seanoconn - gruagach craic!
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Comments
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or in other words - go to Stoke.The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
Another Economic Stimulus Payment?
This implies that there was a first, where the hell was mine?
The older I get, the better I was.0 -
How is that different from any other weekend?0
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Scotland will have voted themselves out of the UK by the time it hits bank accounts so no shellsuits and complete refurnishing of homes via IKEA. 0
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pinarello001 wrote:(well, so my mate told me)
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
I think the idea is to just print it. F-ing madness.
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i think you will find that this is just another viral wind-up. Or a joke....None of the above should be taken seriously, and certainly not personally.0
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T.M.H.N.E.T wrote:Scotland will have voted themselves out of the UK by the time it hits bank accounts so no shellsuits and complete refurnishing of homes via IKEA.
IKEA ?! Thats a bit posh. We have old whisky barrells and soapboxes as furniture. Lick of varnish on an old whisky barrel looks great I tell ya. Straw mattresses and stones for pillows - thats what i'm looking forward to when we become in deep end ants.seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
This bloke has an interesting idea regarding Quantitive Easing. He suggests instead of giving banks a few billion, we instead divi it out to the general public, say £1000 or so.
The thinking being those that have debts use the dosh to pay off some of their debts. They would therefore feel more confident in starting spending again.
Those that have no debts would hopefully go out immediately and book a trip to Stoke with Cleat and spend, spend, spend.
This is preferential to giving it to the banks who just sit on it to improve their balance sheets, or something like that.
That's his idea anyway. it may or may not be in this interview (I'm not sure it's the one I heard a while back and can't be arsed to listen again, and my PC at work doesn't have speakers anyway
)
http://www.debtdeflation.com/blogs/2012 ... -qe-today/0 -
I pay VAT - does that make me a tax payer?
I could really do with some hooker/drug/club/tattoo money0 -
ethanhayes wrote:I pay VAT - does that make me a tax payer?
I could really do with some hooker/drug/club/tattoo money
You and me both. Cleats the man, we could join his cartel and get all of it, all the time.seanoconn - gruagach craic!0
