Right or wrong

bobtbuilder

I posted this in Commuting chat, but also wanted to post here for some additional replies.

Hey folks,

Just wanted a smattering of opinions on a problem I have and what you guys & girls think is right and wrong:

My girlfriend (for want of a better word) is currently separated from her husband and the divorce is in progress. He knows that she is with me now and doesn't like it (understandable). To make life difficult for us, he only spends time with his two young kids for 24 hours each weekend (despite living 5 mins away). Most people who know him believe that this is specifically to stop her spending time with me the rest of the week and make it hard for her / us because she will have to stay home the rest of the week because of the kids.

To counter this, she has been asking me to come over in the evenings after the 2 boys have gone to sleep (she wants to wait another couple of months before introducing me to the boys, so that they have time to adjust to the current change without adding another person to the equation). This has worked fine for the last 2 months - until last night.

Last night, the husband was dropping a friend home in a neighbouring street and upon passing the family home, noticed my car in the vicinity. As a result he let himself in & all hell broke loose. I left as quickly as possible at my girlfriend's request as she didn't want the situation to get worse and wake the boys, etc.

Both her and her husband still own the house, and agreed that she would live there until next September to avoid an early-termination clause in the mortgage and to give the boys the stability of the family home while the divorce goes through.

So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

Honest opinions appreciated.

Rob

popularname

Hey Rob

This sounds a bit tricky. It also sounds like the divorce is quite new and there is lots of hate flying about - which makes people a bit irrational.

And it sounds like you are both being pretty sensible about your friendship and about the boys.

Is the ex-husband a nutter or is he just angry? And is your gf safe?

If this is all just his emotional rollercoaster playing out and there's no actual threat to your gf, then I say it is perfectly OK for you to be at her home, especially the way you are doing it. You are building an adult friendship, you are being considerate of their children's feelings and confusion and you are taking things gently. Whoever walked away, your gf and her ex are now apart and he has left the family home.

It's his ability to come back in that is the problem. You should check out what the situation is, but I dunno that he should be able to come in as he pleases, even if they jointly own the house. My wife (ex by next week, thanks) walked out on us three years ago and kept on coming in to the house and that was the really shit part. Personally, I'm not a big fan of legal enforcement in these situations - it should be about behaviours. This guy will need to accept that you and she are together and will need to behave properly. Perhaps they should use mediation to talk through this and agree that it is OK and that there are rules about coming in to the house that he can't ignore. They may jointly own it but he doesn't live there and she has a right to build a life and for the boys to be secure.

You should protect yourself in this as well, of course. THere are things you want out of this relationship and you should have those. You sound like a decent bloke who is probably being more supportive than demanding - which is probably what she needs right now - and I bet you are a lifeline for her. Look after yourself a bit here too.

Good luck...

bobtbuilder

Thanks for your lovely message of support

I don't think there is a physical risk to my GF now. When she insisted on a divorce he did drag her down the stairs by her hair and semi-throttle her - all in front of the kids, but that stage seems to have passed now.

I think the problem is that he is a control freak and thought that allowing her 1 day a week away from the boys would limit the time we could spend together and therefore damage our relationship. Now he knows differently and he can't cope with it. I also believe that although he has 5 week nights and 1 weekend day per week where he can go out wherever he wants and spend time with whoever he wants, he hasn't found anyone else and it bothers him that she has.

badly_dubbed

i dont think you have done any wrong, their relationship is over and he saw your car, let himself in for one reason only - to have an argument.

with his own kids their i dont think thats fair, he should have just drove on (hard i know) and dealt with it another way.

its hard thinking your kids are with another man, and that guys in your place (i know your not) but he didnt know that....

fast as fupp

she should get the locks changed on the house.

badly_dubbed

fast as fupp wrote:

she should get the locks changed on the house.

joint owned. he has every right to be inside.

if it was me i wouldnt go back however

popularname

Blimey on the hair and stairs bit...

Still, she obviously feels safer now if she asked you to go the other night. So that's good - and probably already down to you. You are making her stronger and helping her and the kids.

What may happen now that he realises you're there to stay is that he'll back off. Sounds a bit of a bully in his own household. Once he realises it's not his household anymore and that there's someone else around, it'll change for him.

My ex was a control freak too - so what I found is that she tried different tactics. He may be the same - but if your GF can ride them out, he'll run out of steam. Sounds like having you around will make that much easier for her.

popularname

"there to stay" as in "there for the duration" not " there to stay in the house" duh...
:-)

iainment

badly_dubbed wrote:

fast as fupp wrote:

she should get the locks changed on the house.

joint owned. he has every right to be inside.

if it was me i wouldnt go back however

I'd change the locks - although he has a share in the house he doesn't necessarily have any right to go in and out as he pleases. A word to a legal person might be needed here.

bobtbuilder

Thanks Popularname. Your posts have really helped me today.

This morning he has been texting her to say he will "pop round" more often now but hopefully he is just spouting off.

Luckily, they have their first mediation session this afternoon, so hopefully something will get said and clear the air a bit.

You are correct, I have not and would not stay overnight at her house. I tend to go round approx 8:30 when the eldest (5yr old) has gone to sleep. We watch a film or some TV and I leave around 11pm

badly_dubbed

he does. its his property.

only know this as ive been in a similar situ where my ex would not leave, i called police and there was not a thing they could do as her name was on the mortgage...

popularname

Good luck Rob - really sounds like you're both doing the right thing. And mediation will help.

It would be good if she could bring the "popping around" bit (FFS....) up in mediation. Having gone through that myself, it's exactly the kind of thing they should talk about. And the mediator should make it clear that it's not positive behaviour for either of them. She should be able to ask him not to and he should respect that.

Sounds like he's gonna scream and shout a bit. Just got to be gone through, I guess.

I take it he doesn't have anyone else yet...