Oooooh, me Nobby Stiles

Crapaud

Been off the bike for a week after discovering 'a grape'. Things seemed to be improving, but it's flaring up again. Looks like I'll be sedentary for the forseeable future, or at least until I can get a doc's appointment.

Had a brief search on-line to see what's what, but it's not very encouraging. I did discover that half of the population suffer at some time, so, logically, there must be a wealth of experience on here.

Any advice? What works and what doesn't?

BillyMansell

One grape isn't a problem, it's when you've got a whole bunch you need to worry.

What works? Haemorrhoid ointment. What doesn't work? Deep Heat.

Cleat Eastwood

Crapaud

BillyMansell wrote:

One grape isn't a problem, it's when you've got a whole bunch you need to worry.

What works? Haemorrhoid ointment. What doesn't work? Deep Heat.

Yes, it feckin' well is!!!

TheEnglishman

It's the only way to be sure.

Crapaud

TheEnglishman wrote:

It's the only way to be sure.

From orbit? :shock:

roryboy

The Duke of Argylls !!! I had the same problem many years ago, not too worried about the slight discomfort but more worried it was something more serious, so in for a wee check and to my horror the consultant was a cyclist and she, yes she, was doing the same sportive as me in a few weeks time. A change of diet and careful monitoring of fluid and roughage in take and hey presto, The Dukes nae mair... I do know of a fellow cyclist that went for the op and within a few years they were back with a vengeance, kept him off the bike for a while !!

team47b

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

Off topic-ish but I thought I was the courgette man, Oh well you can be courgette man now, as I am moving on...



Aubergine man

bit closer to the topic :shock:

Mike Healey

Look on the bright side. If they get really bad, you've got your own, built-in space hopper

Crapaud

team47b wrote:

That's how big my grape feels. The ointment applicator seems to metamorphose into a turkey baister when it's in action as well.

Crapaud

Mike Healey wrote:

Look on the bright side. If they get really bad, you've got your own, built-in space hopper

I'll need a magic marker and someone to draw a face on it.

Made a date with the doc today just to make sure that it isn't anything more serious, or at least to ascertain the carnage. Reading through the info on-line, the signs have been there for a while, but I'm hoping it's a one off.

Roryboy, roughly how long after making the diet changes 'til they went away?

roryboy

Only three weeks or so, loads of bananas 'til my knuckles were scrapin the ground and i was just about swingin on every tree up the Great western Road. loads of water, fruit, bran, wheat, apart from sortin the ahem' grape problem out my general fitness and overall health was improving although i was oot the saddle a wee bit more than other riders, it did look a bit daft going downhill oot the saddle !! My problem was definetely my diet and its something i manage now, the doc did say i could go for the op but way too long off the bike, i'd rather manage it myself thanks.
I do hope your situation improves as its a bit debillitating and it can get you down especially being a cyclist. It is generally a huge problem for many people in this country.

DavidBelcher

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

Alternative comedy photo option:





David

campagone

Mum always told me to 'push it back in' :shock: that's assuming it's the type that dangle out of your a.hole, never worked for me though :?

Crapaud

DavidBelcher wrote:

Alternative comedy photo option:





David

There's absolutely no call for ^^^that^^^, David.

:P

MattC59

Preparation-H............ accept no substitute !!

roryboy

MattC59 wrote:

Preparation-H............ accept no substitute !!

I hear the company that makes this stuff were keen to sponsor a team in the tour this year, but for some reason nobody took them up on the offer.

Crapaud

The suggestiion of a change of diet was a good one. Loads of meuseli, bananas and salad - it's definitely taken the pressure off the nobbies. Cheers, Rory.

Got the docs tomorrow. Hopefully she'll give me the thumbs up.

MattC59

Crapaud wrote:

Got the docs tomorrow. Hopefully she'll give me the thumbs up.

You'd better hope not, that could make them worse !

jimmcdonnell

Suffered infrequently but moderately badly from them over the years. More dietary fibre, consciously not straining on the loo , making sure the nipsy and related geography is always clean, including shorts. They'll all help stop them occurring. Regarding remedies if they're already paying a visit, over-the-counter stuff is useless; apparently all the active ingredients from back in the day aren't in them any more, they're just grease to ease the discomfort. Go to the quack (and yes, prepare to get the 'thumbs up'!), get 'Scheriproct' ointment and if it's a particularly bad visit then 'Proctofoam' (the application of which is a bit of an eye-opener :shock: )

john-e-big-guns

Just take the saddle off..and keep pop'n e'm back with seatpin

DavidBelcher

jimmcdonnell wrote:

and if it's a particularly bad visit then 'Proctofoam' (the application of which is a bit of an eye-opener :shock: )

Is it like that expanding polyurethane gap-filler foam you can get in B&Q etc.?

David

john_kline

Crapaud

DavidBelcher wrote:

jimmcdonnell wrote:

and if it's a particularly bad visit then 'Proctofoam' (the application of which is a bit of an eye-opener :shock: )

Is it like that expanding polyurethane gap-filler foam you can get in B&Q etc.?

David

I was wondering that myself.


Anyhoo, after she'd given me the finger, I got the thumbs up. I even got her to laugh when she commented that my grape was quite small and I replied that it felt like an aubergine.

I turns out that there are 2 people registered at the surgery with my name and the Dukes went on the other bloke's file.

ishmael

Preparation H is very good - on the whole .....

dw300

Don't forget that you need soluble fibre and not just a bowl of All Bran everyday. Ever heard the rhyme 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'?

DavidBelcher

Crapaud wrote:

Anyhoo, after she'd given me the finger, I got the thumbs up.

"Out of the frying pan...." and all that, eh?

Crapaud wrote:

I turns out that there are 2 people registered at the surgery with my name and the Dukes went on the other bloke's file.

A stroke of good fortune there. Although possibly not for that other fella.

David

Crapaud

DavidBelcher wrote:

Crapaud wrote:

...

I turns out that there are 2 people registered at the surgery with my name and the Dukes went on the other bloke's file.

A stroke of good fortune there. Although possibly not for that other fella.

David

I wonder what ailments I'll get from him. :shock:

It was pointed out that it's been reported to the surgery's 'compiance officer' so, presumably, someone's going to get their knuckles rapped. There could be serious consequences if a medical history's not correct.