helping someone with depression...?

SimonAH

My dad is clinically depressed, he ticks every box on every list of.diagnostic symptoms.

He also refuses to accept this, or any help. Instead lives an almost nocturnal existance, shutting himself off, drinking too much and sporadically bursting into tears.

There was a serious trigger (the death of my brother four months ago) but this is not healthy. There's a shotgun in the house and I don't want to lose a dad as well.

What the hell is one supposed to do? I can't see him more than once a week or so (eight hour round trip) and call him daily but on the phone and in person he puts on a perfectly fine facade..

davis

Ouch. Anyone else near (geographically) to him? Other family, his friends, etc? From what you've said it doesn't sound like you're in an obvious position to be his single-person support network...

steelie600

Get in touch with your GP or even better your dads and explain the situation they will point you in the right direction.

I too suffer from clinical depression and am on medication for it, And I have also tried to take my own life. The best thing you could do is like I say get in touch with a gp who will point you in the right direction and just be there for him. Maybe up your visits etc take your dad the pub with you or something get him involved and out of the house! I know in my instance the surrounding 4 walls did my head in! But I cba to do anything about it, It when I was dragged to do stuff (well you know what I mean) I then started to come out of it so to speak.

Wish you all the best in sorting this.

Kev

BillyMansell

You could advocate for him and contact his GP to explain the situation but it will still be up to your dad to go to see him. Has he previously been in contact with a community mental health team or is there a mental health crisis service in his area that could provide a more direct response and someone to talk to? Are there any support groups for the bereaved in his area?

If you speak to any of these agencies or even the police you could mention there is a gun in the house as even if he expresses ideas or intent to use it there's little they can do other than make sure he is safe - he couldn't be detained under the Mental Health Act if in his own home for the thought or suggestion of self-harming.

First.Aspect

I don't have any suggestions but I sympathise. My parents went through this about 6 years ago. No parent should have to outlive their child.

But one thing I think you should realise is that 4 months is a blink of an eye. 4 years and they might just think about your brother a few times each day. I would say that as this stage if your father wasn't depressed, there would be something wrong.

A GP is helpless in this sort of situation. Councelling can help but you have to have the right sort of personality.

You and other family and friends are possibly the best treatment. The death and the preceding life cannot be taboo subjects. To get through this your father will have to have examined the grief from every angle and be familiar with every texture of it. Only then will it be possible to put it carefully away.

woodnut

You/ your dad may have already been in touch, but, if not please try....
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
They may be able to give you some good advice
Good luck and wishing him a speedy recovery

asquithea

In any case, I would deal with the presence of the shotgun. Raise your concerns with the police - I think it highly likely they will take the shotgun away (only needs to be on a temporary basis). This isn't a bad thing.

SimonAH

Thanks all, some good suggestions.

daveyroids

Simon ring your local mental health crisis and home resolution team you will be able to find the number easy by contacting your local hospital or mental health NHS trust. Even on line. Don't hesitate.

They are a 24 hour service. Give them all of your dads details about his current mental health status, the fact he has a gun and please be clear about any suicidal ideation, plan or intent that he may have. Even if he has spoke about suicide in a flippant way its important to tell them. Even mention that he puts on to what you say as a perfectly fine facade.

Be clear about any worries at all that you may have about him. Include any mental health history. Even if your dad has not been treat for depression or anything like that before he may have suffered from it previously. Any what people term as 'nervous breadowns' in the past in fact anything, that you can think of.

If he is not suitable for their service they should advise you what to do. Don't know where your dad lives but I know that in my area the crisis teams are staffed by very well trained mental health nurses who have years of experience. It will not be the first time that they have heard something similar to your dads situation.

Heres some information for you: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/medical_and ... s_services

mudcow007

My experiences from "local crisis teams" are they only get involved with a patient that is willing to be helped. if the patient says "they are fine" the team wont do anything.

+1 to speaking to the Police about the shotgun. or could you not ask to "borrow it" off him for a while, for safe keeping.

daveyroids

mudcow007 wrote:

My experiences from "local crisis teams" are they only get involved with a patient that is willing to be helped. if the patient says "they are fine" the team wont do anything.

+1 to speaking to the Police about the shotgun. or could you not ask to "borrow it" off him for a while, for safe keeping.

I do agree but im also guessing that we have only heard an overview of the issue on a public forum. My gut feeling would still be crisis as they would be able to advise me if they felt that they could not help.

+1 about the shotgun though.

SimonAH

I will be removing the shotgun on Tuesday (tomorrow), although truthfully I don't think there is an immediate danger, taking the easiest tool out of reach seems prudent.

What I'm really after is any suggestions or tactics that anyone knows of to get someone out of denial and to accept help for depression. My understanding is that the system is pretty good once someone asks for help, but you have to get them to ask for help in the first place?

Again, thanks for all your help.

mudcow007

My Mrs mum is a booze hound - she has lost her job because of it but still doesn't think she has an issue, an blames everyone else.

we haven't been able to tell/ show her that she isn't well, even crisis teams an doctors dont really seem to have an effect on her.

you cant help someone that isn't willing to be helped.

does your dad not mention about depression when you are with him at all? is there a chance you could spend a few days with him? or how about asking him to stay with you for a week or so?

iclestu

mudcow007 wrote:

how about asking him to stay with you for a week or so?

That was my thought too.

Is he retired? Can he come 'help you' with DIY or painting or something for a bit? Physical activity will help him in the short term and may just give him enough strength to see he has a problem that might need some help in the longer term?

My mum suffered with depression for years (and probably still does). Remember that you are his child. No matter how much he loves you, you are probably the HARDEST person he can admit to needing help to (obviously depends on your individual relationship but I can only give you my own personal experience). Perhaps there is an element of leading the horse to water but stopping short of trying to force it to drink? Speak to him about anything and everything (preferably whilst 'doing' something - be it walking cycling painting - anything that takes the focus away) but don't pressurise him into 'admitting' he's struggling or into talking about difficult stuff.

rjsterry

What I know about depression could be written on a very small piece of paper, but I do think a change of environment can help someone open up a bit. Could you arrange a short break somewhere neutral and out of the way - a cottage or a B&B (I seem to remember you being a fan of B&Bs) in some nice countryside, where there's not much to do but go for walks stopping off at the occasional pub for lunch a beer and a chat.

SimonAH

Yeah, that's what I do with him - diversion therapy. Keep him occupied, arguing politics, anything.....and whilst we are doing that he's fine.

As soon as I'm out of the way he reverts to black dog mode.

It's a feedback circle of sitting, moping, staring at walls too much, so feeling worse because of it so sitting, moping and staring at walls....

twist83

I cannot assist with the Mental Health issues I hope this does get sorted.

However I am not teaching grandmother to suck eggs. If you have a Shotgun Cert you can only borrow it from him for 72 hours (or there abouts!). To take it more permenantly you would need to sign it from his cert to yours. Or lodge it with an RFD. However being his shotgun he could retrieve at anytime.

If you do not have a shotgun cert then obviously do not move it. As above not meaning to teach you what you already may know. But a close friend did the above and got into a whole world of hurt

jonnyboy77

The people at Compassionate Friends (http://www.tcf.org.uk/) were a massive help for my parents when my sister was killed in a car accident. They went through the ringer, but came out the other side mostly intact. The hardest part may be getting over the first hurdle and connecting your dad with help.

- Jon

rjsterry

SimonAH wrote:

Yeah, that's what I do with him - diversion therapy. Keep him occupied, arguing politics, anything.....and whilst we are doing that he's fine.

As soon as I'm out of the way he reverts to black dog mode.

It's a feedback circle of sitting, moping, staring at walls too much, so feeling worse because of it so sitting, moping and staring at walls....

Again I hedge this round with all sorts of disclaimers, but is there a way that you can work some opportunities - to start talking about his/your loss and how he and you are dealing with it - into the diversion activities? The diversion is great as a stop gap, but if it's just diversion, then it's just delaying dealing with the underlying issues.

Also, don't forget to look after yourself in all of this.

davis

jonnyboy77 wrote:

The people at Compassionate Friends (http://www.tcf.org.uk/) were a massive help for my parents when my sister was killed in a car accident. They went through the ringer, but came out the other side mostly intact. The hardest part may be getting over the first hurdle and connecting your dad with help.

Hmmm. I think it might have been them that turned up for us (exact same situation). The guy was blinking useless, as I recall (this was in 1997), and my parents ended giving him something to do just for the sake of it!

Overall, the experience brought us closer together (in my eyes), and reinforced our already very strong family bond. Simon, I've got no idea if you've got other family who can take the load off, but it really doesn't sound like you can "fix" this one by yourself.

Cleat Eastwood

sounds like grief. Most assume grief is a deep sadness - its not, its a complete change of state of being - everything seems grey and pointless. He's not the dad he was before your brother died, so take a deep breath and talk to him as you would a stranger - probe him question him, dont assume he wont talk about his loss- help him find the language - tell him your concerns - he's still your dad and wouldn't want to hurt you - if you let him know your worries you can hopefully work together to find a solution- it must be pretty tough on you too Si, so make sure you have a means to cope with the feelings of loss too.