When it all becomes to much...

LeicesterLad

...How do you know?

I'm feeling down at the minute to say the least, there is no singular reason, its a combination of things.

Finanacial stress - Need to pay for my wedding

Homelife - I'm not happy in my house, or indeed where I live, the house is a rental and its not in great shape, on a horrible estate, but its all I could afford at the time and we were so desperate to move we took it. My heart isn't in it, in fact my heart isn't in Leicester, but trying to build a life elsewhere - just upping sticks, is such a hard thing to accomplish. My fiances parents are elderly and not in the best of shape, we know they want us to stick around for if and when they get 'to' old (which personally i think is extremely selfish, i will never ever tell my kids I need them to stick around to look after me!).

It's a pipe dream really, and that seems to be what my life consists of, waiting for that lotery win, waiting for things to 'change' but it never happens, ive put in effort before, ive started businesses i've tried to follow my dream and forge a writing career, more than once, I've change habits but none get me anywhere, i know these things take graft but we are so skint at the minute we barely even go out for a meal and when we do a pub carvery it's like some big effort, a highlight almost which in itself is saddening. Food shopping on a budget sucks, out house, though decorated, doesn't have a homely feel because we don't have possessions - Ive got a bit of artwork that I cherish but thats it - budget furniture, sofa, electrics, second hand TV, Laptop etc make up the rest.

Work Life - This is the big one, I don't like to moan about my job knowing that i#m one of the lucky ones to actually have a job. But. Life isn't like that - Ive had the same job in the MOJ for the last 6 years, it was always pretty dull, office job and I used to moan about it but recent changes to the environment and working practice mean that now i actually miss how it used to be - there is now twice as much stress, twice as many targets, half as many staff, the environment is horrible, depressing, everyone feels/looks miserable - It's getting to a point where many are off on sick, making matters worse. It's now so bad that the though of being at work almost makes me sick, Sunday nights I'm honestly close to tears with just the thought of coming in, I don't like the people, I certainly don't like my boss, everyone tries to make out they are doing there best for the staff, put on a cheery face and then behind the scenes they couldn't give a flying f*ck, they don't listen to our concerns or issues, all we get is 'It's probably just one of those days' type responses but would they actually step in our shoes and see for themselves? No. The whole thing is like that tunnell with no light, I do not have a degree, ive never done anything other than office works, prospects for future jobs look awful.

Health - I'm only 25 and in decent shape, recently gave up smoking etc. However I have pulsatile tinnitus in my right ear and doctors have no idea what to do with it, also dental health - ive basically had toothache for about 2 years, my dentist was useless, i Paid out £3000 for crowns, only to have one of those teeth removed after it got infected again. One infection, he prescribed me Amoxicilin on 8 seperate occasions over a course of 5 months in which i was in constant agony, when it clearly wasn't touching the infection - I can no longer take Amoxicilin for anything as i'm pretty much imune to it now. Anyone long story short, went to another dentist who was horrified at the previous dentists style of practice (ie constant antibiotics, crowning and removal of teeth when there were much better options. Needless to say i'm now still in pain and going for yet more treatment - life is so much less enjoyable when there is a niggling pain in your mouth every day of your life.

I feel like I need a break, except with summer upon us and our policy of 2 off on annual leave per team, most of the summer is booked up, summer holidays even worse because parents always get first dibs (don't get me started on the level of discrimination when it comes to parents versus non parents - Havn't people heard of child care? if you can't afford to have kids don't have them.). I don't want to just become another sickness statistic, the thought of taking time off sick makes me feel like a grubby little fraudster but I really really need a bit of a break, i'm burning out, im nakard all the time, snappy, can't focus, avoiding all manner of things, starting to effect my relationship with a missus who feels in pretty much the same boat...

I don't really know why i'm writing this, just feel I need to vent...my apologies if this drags anybody else down...


Some suggestion on improving my situation anyone?

Hoopdriver

Writing can be very cathartic. So can talking to strangers, even virtual ones. And so, of course, can going on a long bike ride.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate for someone twenty-five. And not enough on your plate of the good things. What is it you most want to do? You mention writing and if your blog is anything to go b you're a good writer. What kind of writing do you wan to pursue?

LeicesterLad

Hoopdriver wrote:

Writing can be very cathartic. So can talking to strangers, even virtual ones. And so, of course, can going on a long bike ride.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate for someone twenty-five. And not enough on your plate of the good things. What is it you most want to do?

I think the main thing would be to get my gob sorted (hopefully this is just a matter of time) and to just have a job I 'quite' enjoy - this is not to say I want lots of money, or some exceptional career, but work is where we spend most of our working hours, to be able to enjoy them somewhat would make life a whole lot better! The missery here is beyond belief. I'd like to not be in an office, something outdoorsey like conservation would be great for me.

Cleat Eastwood

oh god not another one...pass the razor blades - haha only joking. I think your problems stem from one thing...Leicester.

You obviously havent been trying the happy diary - it works wonders.

Yeah life can seem cobblers sometimes I was lucky enough to come across meditation when I was younger - mind blowing - really puts everything into perspective - try deep breathing techniques - an easy way to ease stress. Thing about being 25 is you've no real experience of life that helps you sort of categorise problems- all problems seem to be bundled as one massive hiccup with no cause or rhyme or reason - so writing worries anonymously on a forum can only be a benefit...isnt that right dad.

capt_slog

MTFU

No not really.

Take a step back and look at your problems., it's very easy to get so stuck in them that it is all you can see
Write them down and then address the bits you can change, this will help you feel better because you then have some control.

I was in a similar state to you at about your age (28yrs ago!) with being skint. I remember us sitting in the house one bankholiday monday almost crying with frustration because we couldn't even afford to nip across the road to the pub or put petrol in a car to go somewhere.

It does get better.

LeicesterLad

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

oh god not another one...pass the razor blades - haha only joking. I think your problems stem from one thing...Leicester.

You obviously havent been trying the happy diary - it works wonders.

Yeah life can seem cobblers sometimes I was lucky enough to come across meditation when I was younger - mind blowing - really puts everything into perspective - try deep breathing techniques - an easy way to ease stress. Thing about being 25 is you've no real experience of life that helps you sort of categorise problems- all problems seem to be bundled as one massive hiccup with no cause or rhyme or reason - so writing worries anonymously on a forum can only be a benefit...isnt that right dad.

I remember you posting a while ago about how you once visited Leicester on the train and it was a complete dive, so you know well enough!

The revelation that you Meditate has done wonders for my mood already. :shock:

Capt Slog: It's always nice to hear that people have been there and things have got better - that Bank Holiday situation rings very familiar with me.

holmeboy

Jeez I thought I had problem's with the wife leaving me.
Don't really know what the answer's are , can only suggest stop dwelling on the negative and think of the positives. ie riding you're bike is one. The love of a good woman is another.

Frank the tank

Read your post back to yourself.

I think the main thing is your employment, but a lot of the things you complain about are pretty much standard wherever you work if you're in a production environ. The company always want more and stress levels go through the roof. Alas fella it's about your income, then you can sort your housing out. Organizing a wedding is also stressful (Just gone through it with my eldest) are you and your fiance "singing from the same song sheet" as regards its budget and indeed the inlaw thing aswell.

Show your fiance your post (Ooooeeerr missus ) and see her response.

I'm no psychologist mate but you sound like you could be heading for a dark place if you're not careful and you really need her help and support. Dont be too proud to ask for help, all this MTFU job is a load of bravado and boll0cks when you feel as you seem to do. Soz for goin' all serious.

Just had a thought, ya could always post in "road beginers" and ask for some advice.

rick_chasey

I once got told to not take myself too seriously, and to not go over and over and over the problems I had that weren't directly, 100% in my control.

Didn't like it much at the time but it was good advice.

SoYoureAWaffleMan

Capt Slog wrote:

It does get better.

Agreed - when you're struggling with a load of issues and you can't organise your thoughts then the only thing to do is dwell on them. I know from experience that that can become a habit & after a while, burning yourself with the hopelessness of it all can become a kind of selfish masochism that you don't want to let go of.

Woh, heavy.

Calm your mind. Meditate as part of a routine. Take some basic steps towards your goals like:

- Get your cake hole sorted. - Plan a career you want, evening courses & distance learning are very common these days. DON'T stay in a job you hate for god's sake life's too short. - Plan to up-sticks if that's what you and your Missus want. Talk to her olds about it - they can move too if it's important. - Shake it up. If night courses aren't enough learn a musical instrument, study ju-jitsu, learn to paint & hang your own artwork.

Understand that you're weathering the storm. Use your time wisely and find calm waters. When your efforts start to pay off you'll feel much better!

Cleat Eastwood

Haha I actually lived there for a bit - some naffhole by the bridge by the jewish wall - what used to depress me about Leicester - nice people by the way - was the fact that after 6 oclock weekdays it was basically shut - there was no fun - anyway could be worse you could be living in Coalville.

Anyway I actually just read your post - haha I am a mong arent I - heres what I get from it all - seriously - you must be one lucky guy to have a fiance to stick by you (and you by her) during the hard times and I'd say that relationship needs to be treasured above anything else - your job, your mates, your house. So why just go off sick, make a pact that your fiance both just get away and recharge your batteries, just being in nature, out in the wind, rain, sun, englands green and pleasant together can work wonders.

Here's a though too - one thing I found different about leicster was the attitude to work - people there seemed to work just to earn money to get by and have a good time - in other places I've been it was all about seeing work as a transient thing before you realise that creative dream. I've always been involved in creative things - writing - film making - scripts and loads of my mates are arty - it makes a massive difference if you want to be a writer to be with others who share that vision. Theres nothing more soul destroying than being in an office with others who sole raison d'etre is the 9 to5 routine.

Take a break - your health and relationship are worth far more than another meaningless target.

this always cheers me up-

Ben6899

I would get on the sick. Seriously. I think the time away from the office allowing you some time to write and on the bike and with the missus (what hours does she work? can she take the odd day off, work from home, early finish?) would do you the world of good. And in that time, you can also put energy into looking for new work.

Seriously. Get on the sick so you see some of the summer. Two off maximum and favour to parents is ridiculous - shove it up their ar$es!

How about dropping the BikeRadar owners a line, see if they'll trial some of your writing for "Cycling Plus"? Maybe not to publish, but set you a typical brief and see how it stacks up. You just never know; they might find themselves a real gem of a writer. Their offices aren't in Leicester either, but they're not far away so you can pop back up the M6/M1 to see to the in-laws.

cornerblock

Do you think you may be suffering from a bit of SAD? I know a bit of sunshine is not going to improve your financial situation or make your job enjoyable, just that this gloomy weather can make everything seem that bit more miserable.

You are still young enough to retrain and find a job that you can look forward to doing, so make it happen.

If trying to pay for a big wedding is putting you both under too much pressure then delay it, or have a nice simple wedding, they don't have to be big do's. Personally I can't understand wasting money on flash cars and bridesmaids dresses that get worn once, we just put that money towards the bar bill. As long as you, your partner and all your guests have a happy day, that's all that matters.

And as has been said, it isn't that unusual to feel like this at the age you are now, things will fall into place. Think you're down now, wait till you've been married ten years!! And just think, it could be worse, you could be BaghdadLad!

daviesee

Consider yourself lucky. You could be looking for a graduate IT job in Manchester

On a serious note - Change the things you can. Make the most of the things that you can't.

It may not sound like much but once you get your head round that things get easier.
Oh, and try to resolve one issue at a time (prioritise) instead of chasing your tail trying to sort out everything at once.

Squarepants

This is a random bit of 'advice' and wish I could do more, but something that has helped me put things into perspective and has made my thinking alter is The Joe Rogan Experience podcast (stick with me here)

It may not be your thing as I'm sure it's not everyones and I don't think it will solve any problems but I do find the podcasts very enlightening and modify my thought patters on - well my life. In particular #214 with Duncan Trussell is an interesting listen. Can be had on iTunes for free in the podcasts section. Search Joe Rogan.

Other than that I have no advice. In this situation I think the smallest thing can seem monumental and cause major issues. The in-laws for example, this is ultimately not your concern and whilst sounding selfish it may be something you can dismiss for now which will represent one less issue. That may not be viable but try and put all of your issues into perspective and delete some of them. Someone once said if you can't change something; why worry about it?

Write your issues down, formulate them, talk about them, much like you have already here. It's already been tsaid that talking/writing is cathartic and allows your brain to organise its thoughts properly rather than a jumble of issues hitting you like waves on a beach.

Two columbs on paper one with 'can influence/change one with cannot influence/change. Stop worrying about the ones you can't influence and work on the ones you can.

GROW

Goals

Reality

Options for change

Wins- how will you know when you've made a positive change (keep these 'wins' small i.e. saved £20 this month = win)

Use these as headings once you have your 'able to influence' list and work from it. Talk about it, come back on here.

Together we can rebuild you

(ok looks like I did have some advice afterall)

You are not alone

LeicesterLad

I'm a little overwhelmed! Don't really know what to say...

This is why I love this forum, we are all strangers but time and time again the caring attitude and decent human nature on here is bar none. Such responses on an internet forum genuinely give me hope for mankind.

Everyone on this thread has made some great points and given good advice, I know many of you have probably had the same emotions and lived through them so have plenty of experience in these things. We all rip the p*ss out of each other on here but I know your all soft git's really

Think i'm going to sit down with the missus tonight and have a proper chat about everything, see if we can take on board all of the suggestions on here and come up with some of our own. Get some stuff down on paper. We do talk about it, though quite off the cuff usually for fear of tackling it all head-on and I know she feels she's in the same predicament as me, so i'm not facing it all alone, otherwise I really would be struggling!

Genuinely this thread has been a massive help. Even Cleats munter has served to cheer me up a little!

Cheers Guys!

CambsNewbie

Really felt for you reading this. I used to have a job that made me feel like you. I was a service adviser at a busy BMW dealership where we never had enough staff and half the technicians might as well have monkeys for all skill they had. Every morning driving to work I would start feeling sick about the same place, 5 miles away. By the time I got to work I was a mess before the day even started! Luckily I managed to get out and now do a job I love.

Reading your post it seems like getting your mouth problems are the priority, being in constant pain will bring you down for everything else. Really feel for you here, I have to be knocked out before I will let a dentist anywhere near my mouth!

I got 'civil partnered' a couple of years ago and we had no money to spend either. We had simple registry office service for close family and friends then a pub meal after. Then in the evening we had a party at our house. Didn't cost much, only the people we really wanted were there. I don't know if people were just being polite, but a lot of our friends said it was nice to go to wedding that wasn't stuffy, and everyone was there because we really wanted them there, not because we felt obliged to invite them.

Choose your battles, and as someone else said, try not to get upset by things you cant change. It may not seem like it but better times will come. And at least you have the love of a good woman!

andy46

I know times are hard with work etc, I can't afford to do anything really as my ex left me a couple of years ago and I decided to keep the house as I'd put so much into it and didn't want to move back with my parents at 30 years old.
I had to start from scratch really, as my ex emptied the house and all I had was an armchair, a portable tv, a kettle, a microwave and a bed.

Luckily my bikes were at my Dads garage.

Things do get better though, with time. Yeah I've got a decent home now, I met someone else which is going really well. I even got a new bike at the start of the year!

At the minute all I do is go to work then come home, go to sleep and do it all over again with a little bike riding in between if I'm lucky. However there is light at the end of the tunnel as my GF as just got herself a job after being unemployed for so long. We don't live together yet, but we are talking about it when the time is right for us both.

I hope things turn around for you soon, as I was really low 2 years ago. Things aren't perfect now, far from it in fact but they are a hell of a lot better


This is why I love Cake Stop, we can talk about anything!

dw300

I'd love to have a job and a woman that wanted to marry me .. cherish what you DO have.

LeicesterLad

dw300 wrote:

I'd love to have a job and a woman that wanted to marry me .. cherish what you DO have.

I do agree with you, and I said as much in my OP. But life isn't always that black and white. My problems are my problems regardless of whatever else goes on in the world. I should appreciate the things I have, and I do. But that doesn't mean I can't be unhappy with the way other things are...

Hoopdriver

Fair enough too. You mention follwing your dream and forging a writin career in your OP. what did you try doing? And what kind of a writin career did you try?

Cleat Eastwood

Hoopdriver wrote:

Fair enough too. You mention follwing your dream and forging a writin career in your OP. what did you try doing? And what kind of a writin career did you try?

Begging letters - hence his wish for a lottery win.

Redhog14

I think you should get married at the top of the Cat n Fiddle, but all the guests have to arrive on bike, only the bride gets a lift to wait at the top and the ceremony starts the second you arrive, , that way you'll know who your mates are...Eccles cakes and Zipfit for the reception...cept for me 'cause Eccles cakes are mingin.

LeicesterLad

Hoopdriver wrote:

Fair enough too. You mention follwing your dream and forging a writin career in your OP. what did you try doing? And what kind of a writin career did you try?

Hi Roff

I spent 6 months prior to the last general election writing a political analysis style blog which actually got quite alot of recognition, voted in the top 50 political blogs in the country and featured on the Beeb and in the Guardian, unfortunately post election I had some real issues to deal with and the blog took a backburner, fading into obscurity - I lost all interest in politics, and trying to convey my opinion got tiresome and made me quite angry. So the failure of that is mainly my own fault.

I spent a good year submitting magazine articles and pitching ideas to editors of varying magazines to do with Countryside/Wildlife/Folklore/Nature/Environment of which i was given plenty of feedback, had some published in smaller national magazines and niche magazines but for the effort put in the reward was very small and I couldn't sustain it at a level to make it work as well as hold down a full time job. In the end the rejection letter got more and more and i submitted less and less.

I know this is your sector so maybe you might have a take on this?

LeicesterLad

Redhog14 wrote:

I think you should get married at the top of the Cat n Fiddle, but all the guests have to arrive on bike, only the bride gets a lift to wait at the top and the ceremony starts the second you arrive, , that way you'll know who your mates are...Eccles cakes and Zipfit for the reception...cept for me 'cause Eccles cakes are mingin.

haha, thats not a bad idea! Not sure the missus would be to keen on all the cycling association though!

Cleat - now theres an idea!

Mad_Malx

Cornerblock wrote:

Do you think you may be suffering from a bit of SAD? I know a bit of sunshine is not going to improve your financial situation or make your job enjoyable, just that this gloomy weather can make everything seem that bit more miserable.

I know that this godawful spring is really getting me down. The hot week in May now feels like a very long time ago.

andyrr

Don't have a massive amount to add here :
Your wedding day should be a day to remember for positive reasons, not one you dread and think mostly about how much money is being spent and how skint you will be afterwards so you could scale this back or suggest a delay?
Making a major switch in career can be mega difficult but in your favour you have no kids, no mortgage and are young plus you have obviously exhibited skills other than the ones used in your current employment so you can do it and at this stage you should be prepared to take a risk !
I, like many, have done jobs where I've hated it and dreaded getting in to work. In fact some aspects of my current job still sometimes make me sweat just thinking about them but with wife/kid/mortgage/bills I have a harder job to stop what I can get well paid doing and start doing something I'd look forward to spending time on so you should actively look for other avenues you could feasibly pursue. Don't give up on them because when you are old and have spent 40 or 50 years doing something that you know you should have jumped ship from you will regret it.
My attitude to my work is now that I essentially don't care. I care about doing the best I can and I don't think that many think I do a 'bad' job - I try to do be professional but try not to feel stressed about what I do, what other people might say, what work they might throw at me, learn to say "No, unfortunately I can't take on that work because I have X, Y and Z to do before that," Being firm and polite about saying NO won't necessarily be seen as rude but can stop you being treated as a doormat and gives you a bit more control over the workload you have to get through.
Freelance stuff is hard to make a go of and it might be worthwhile being choosier about where you target your effort.

Hoopdriver

LeicesterLad wrote:

Hoopdriver wrote:

Fair enough too. You mention follwing your dream and forging a writin career in your OP. what did you try doing? And what kind of a writin career did you try?

Hi Roff

I spent 6 months prior to the last general election writing a political analysis style blog which actually got quite alot of recognition, voted in the top 50 political blogs in the country and featured on the Beeb and in the Guardian, unfortunately post election I had some real issues to deal with and the blog took a backburner, fading into obscurity - I lost all interest in politics, and trying to convey my opinion got tiresome and made me quite angry. So the failure of that is mainly my own fault.

I spent a good year submitting magazine articles and pitching ideas to editors of varying magazines to do with Countryside/Wildlife/Folklore/Nature/Environment of which i was given plenty of feedback, had some published in smaller national magazines and niche magazines but for the effort put in the reward was very small and I couldn't sustain it at a level to make it work as well as hold down a full time job. In the end the rejection letter got more and more and i submitted less and less.

I know this is your sector so maybe you might have a take on this?

It is genuinely tough. I was a feature writer for a couple of big papers in Australia, and a senior writer for Time Magazine, and although I have been freelancing for 16 years since leaving Time, and write mainly for National Geographic who know me very well by now, it is still genuinely tough to land commissions. So do not take your dificulties to heart. It is a tough market even with a lot of experience and credits behind you. Obviously you have to eat and earn money, but if you want to make it in the game you can. It takes perseverence and a willingness to put in hours writing even after your regular day job is done. Think up ideas, knock on doors. I've read your blog. You can write and report. And you're only 25 so you've plenty of time. When I was 25 I thought it would never happen, writing as a career that is. Do not give up if that is your dream, or let anyone tell you it's impossible.

Feel free to PM me and if I can give you any useful advice I'll be glad to try. A lot of people were awfully good to me when I was starting out, and I'd be pleased to have a chance to put something back.

Pardon the typs. I am writing n an iPad screen, something I've not mastered!

verylonglegs

Hmmn, my own humble contribution to this...Job/Career wise, have you considered the OU? They may offer something to help you achieve your aims and they do offer financial assistance if you aren't flush. When I started a course one of the things that I really enjoyed was being amongst people of the same mindset, those wanting to learn and being passionate about the subject. There is always a wide cross-section on most courses too, retired folks still keen to do more, people looking to change careers and some just doing it as an interest. It may not definitely lead to a new career but I think just spending time with some people who have more about them than slouching in front of the tv everynight will help you.

Your health issues may be linked to your stress, I'm not saying your problems are in your mind in anyway but that any minor health problems are exacerbated considerably when under duress so being signed off sick as suggested should seriously be considered too if it really is that bad and they won't grant you proper annual leave, forget the stigma you might have in your own mind and consider your own health. I was offered it by my GP once but refused as my problems at the time weren't work related but my brother took it for six weeks to sort himself out and it was enough for him to get a handle on what he needed to do, make plans and go back knowing he was now in control. Which kind of comes back to Rick's contribution, I derived the same sentiment from a book about Bhuddism which is saying something as normally I wouldn't buy into that kind of stuff but what I gathered from it was only really worry about things in your control...which is actually very little when you really think about it.

Finally don't worry about materialistic things you can't afford, I realise it's hard to do in the modern culture we have now but it really is a curse chasing the latest and shiniest looking things, leave that to the less enlightened. Apart from cycling of course..ooh new groupset that's 2grams lighter than current one...gimme gimme. Joking

Jez mon

I don't have a massive amount to add.

Sort of been there myself, totally got to the end of my tether after the Easter break at uni, and nearly broke down whilst having a meeting with my project supervisor. Looking back, I can't really remember why now, just suddenly all got to much for me. At the time, it felt like it would never end, but it did, or rather will, on Thursday and I've even managed to have 4 days off in the last 6 weeks.

But reading your post sort of makes me feel embarrassed, at least I knew my problems had a fixed time-scale, and that was the only thing that really got me through.

Have a chat with your other half about how unhappy you're feeling. It's a cliché, but just talking about it does help, so long as it's to the right people! If possible go for a less expensive wedding, I would put a priority on finding somewhere to live where you feel happy, rather than saving up for one day. (I don't want to tell anyone how to spend their money though)

Finally, good luck, I'm sure it'll get better!

mattshrops

Started writing out my own experiences and realised that i'm a lucky bastard so maybe wasn't the best of help for you. Me old nan used to say "he could fall in a pile of horseshit and come up smelling of roses" (she was a bit like swearing nan)http://youtu.be/wrZRrzfMF3o

But thats got me thinking , I believe i'm lucky that i feel lucky.
I've been married 20 years and we were as poor as dirt. we had to buy an old wreck of a house cos thats all we could afford and do it up after work(that took 7 years) We never went out to pubs and shopped around for bargains. what i remember from this period is the laughter and the love. we were so happy with nothing.
Sort out the things you can. The things you cant let them go. Surely you could find another job? Cherish what youve got.Cherish still being young. Life is not a rehearsal. If you're really dipping into depression get some professional help- there is no shame there. I wish you both a lot of luck for the future.