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Tazer...

LucanLucan Posts: 336
edited April 2012 in The bottom bracket
nicked from another forum......cos it made me laugh :lol:


''Only a man would attempt this!!''

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this....

Last weekend, I saw something at Larrys Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest..The occasion was our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for something a little special for my wife Julie. What I did come across was a 100,000 - volt, pocket sized Tazer....

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with little or no long term adverse affects on the assailant..allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..ideal, I thought..)

Long story short...I bought the device and brought it home..I loaded the two AAA batteries into to it and pushed the button...Nothing...I was devastated...I did learn, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface, I would get a blue arc of electricity, between the two prongs..cool!!! ( I have yet to explain to Julie, what that brown burn mark is, on the front of the microwave!)

Okay...so I was home alone...with the new toy, dying to see if it worked....

There I was..sat on my lazy-boy chair..with our cat Gracie looking on intently..(trusting little soul)..while I was reading the instructions and thinking that I really must try this thing out!!!..well on a flesh and blood target at least........!

I must admit..I did think of zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second, but dismissed it as cruel..Am I wrong?..

So....there I am..sat in a pair of short and a T-shirt..glasses on the tip of my nose, instructions in one hand, Tazer in the other..

The Instructions said:..
1. A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant..
2. A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control.
3. A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water, unable to carry out any function on his own...
4. Any burst longer than three seconds, could be very dangerous and is not advised.

So..there I was..looking at the Tazer and wondering what to do....

I'm sitting there alone...with Gracie looking up at me with her head cocked to one side, as if to say..''Don't do it stupid!!''...Hmmh..I thought otherwise..I would just give myself a one second burst!! So I touched the prongs to my naked thigh and pressed the button.............................................................

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION..WTF!!!!!

I'm pretty sure, Hulk Hogan ran into the room, picked me up (in the recliner!) then body slammed me to the floor over and over again....I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking with sweat, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position..

NOTE
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!!!..You will not be able to let go until either convulsions force the Tazer out of your grip, OR the batteries run out..(after around 18 seconds of use..so I am led to believe!!)...

So...A few minutes later, I came around..(well sort of)..and surveyed the landscape...

My bent reading glasses were fused to my head.....
The recliner was upside-down and about eight feet from where it had been!!
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching!!
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs.
I had no control over my drooling.
Apparently, I had shat myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair....

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it...
Summer: Kuota Kebel
Winter: GT Series3

Posts

  • RonBRonB Posts: 3,984
    :D:D:D

    Thing is there will still be a significant number of blokes thinking...."nah can't be all that bad", or ..."cool gotta give that a go".

    See Veet For Men thread for proof of this phenomenon.
  • Cleat EastwoodCleat Eastwood Posts: 8,191
    he must have been born in skem...he just must have.
    The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
    momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.
  • pipipipipipi Posts: 332
    Shocking

    Tee hee hee. But AAA batteries causing that much 'fun'?
  • finchyfinchy Posts: 6,889
    That brings back bad memories of the time I accidentally pepper sprayed an entire pub table full of people (including myself). Very painful and I just wanted to do a tiny, tiny squirt to see what it's like. I didn't know that even the lightest touch would send a veritable blast of the stuff all over the place.
  • jim453jim453 Posts: 1,420
    johnfinch wrote:
    That brings back bad memories of the time I accidentally pepper sprayed an entire pub table full of people (including myself). Very painful and I just wanted to do a tiny, tiny squirt to see what it's like. I didn't know that even the lightest touch would send a veritable blast of the stuff all over the place.

    Very funny, please elaborate on this. Did the people present see the funny side immediately or did it take some time?
  • finchyfinchy Posts: 6,889
    jim453 wrote:
    johnfinch wrote:
    That brings back bad memories of the time I accidentally pepper sprayed an entire pub table full of people (including myself). Very painful and I just wanted to do a tiny, tiny squirt to see what it's like. I didn't know that even the lightest touch would send a veritable blast of the stuff all over the place.

    Very funny, please elaborate on this. Did the people present see the funny side immediately or did it take some time?

    It took a few hours for everybody else to see the funny side. The pain actually subsides once you've washed the spray out of your eyes.
  • CambsNewbieCambsNewbie Posts: 564
    johnfinch wrote:
    jim453 wrote:
    johnfinch wrote:
    That brings back bad memories of the time I accidentally pepper sprayed an entire pub table full of people (including myself). Very painful and I just wanted to do a tiny, tiny squirt to see what it's like. I didn't know that even the lightest touch would send a veritable blast of the stuff all over the place.

    Very funny, please elaborate on this. Did the people present see the funny side immediately or did it take some time?

    It took a few hours for everybody else to see the funny side. The pain actually subsides once you've washed the spray out of your eyes.

    Just to let you know pepper spray is illegal in the UK and washing your eyes is the worst thing you can do.. The water reactivates the ingredients. Sometimes having a shower the day after is enough to make your eyes water..
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 28,799
    johnfinch wrote:
    That brings back bad memories of the time I accidentally pepper sprayed an entire pub table full of people (including myself). Very painful and I just wanted to do a tiny, tiny squirt to see what it's like. I didn't know that even the lightest touch would send a veritable blast of the stuff all over the place.
    God, that made me laugh, I just sprayed coffee all down myself. Thank you, you have just made my night. :D
  • finchyfinchy Posts: 6,889
    johnfinch wrote:
    jim453 wrote:
    johnfinch wrote:
    That brings back bad memories of the time I accidentally pepper sprayed an entire pub table full of people (including myself). Very painful and I just wanted to do a tiny, tiny squirt to see what it's like. I didn't know that even the lightest touch would send a veritable blast of the stuff all over the place.

    Very funny, please elaborate on this. Did the people present see the funny side immediately or did it take some time?

    It took a few hours for everybody else to see the funny side. The pain actually subsides once you've washed the spray out of your eyes.

    Just to let you know pepper spray is illegal in the UK and washing your eyes is the worst thing you can do.. The water reactivates the ingredients. Sometimes having a shower the day after is enough to make your eyes water..

    Thanks, but it wasn't in the UK. I think it was in Germany, but not quite sure. It was definitely a German girl who was carrying it. It's very common for women to carry it out there because of the high incidence of rape.

    Maybe it was something similar to pepper spray (I know there are some alternatives), as washing my eyes ended the pain.
  • finchyfinchy Posts: 6,889
    johnfinch wrote:
    That brings back bad memories of the time I accidentally pepper sprayed an entire pub table full of people (including myself). Very painful and I just wanted to do a tiny, tiny squirt to see what it's like. I didn't know that even the lightest touch would send a veritable blast of the stuff all over the place.
    God, that made me laugh, I just sprayed coffee all down myself. Thank you, you have just made my night. :D

    I'm glad my pain made somebody :D
  • mr_sjmr_sj Posts: 507
    Ha ha, that actually did make me cry with laughter, brilliant !
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