The unwritten 10 commandments for road cyclists

secretsam

As a noob roadie, who breaks many rules, there seem to be a number of rules and etiquette thingies that I should adhere to. Therefore I have derived this handy, almost-entirely-non-serious, list of ten commandments:

1 - Thou shalt wear lycra, if thou does not then thou art weak and feeble
2 - Likewise, MTB style pedals and shoes on a road bike are the worketh of Satan
3 - Though shalt not get off and push, for that is what old men and fat people do
4 - Visors on helmets are for weaklings and simpletons, thine helmet (if one wearest) shall be unadorned
5 - Though shalt not wear anything obviously waterproof, ever, for the pros do not ergo it is the way of righteous man to get wet
6 - Thine bottles and cages shall match if though havest more than one
7 - Though shalt have ones bars relatively low and use the drops at least once on each ride
8 - When out riding, though shalt only consumest foodage which comes from a silvery package and costeth much, and which doth resemble not any real food in any way
9 - Though shalt coolly wave and say a cheery "hello" (etc) to other roadies whislt out riding
10 - Though shalt not, however, acknowledge the existence of any rider of a flat barred machine, particularly those of a knobbly tyred variety (and they shall ignore thou also)

These are the commands, thou shalt obey or not be a proper roadie. Here endeth the lesson. 8)

Gizmodo

I'm going to get into trouble posting this link again, many people think that "Velominati > The Rules" is the work of the devil, but if you can take them as intended, with humour, then they are a bit of fun - nothing more than that! Please laugh at them and do not take them seriously!

Kerguelen

I'm a bad boy then, I knowingly break commandments 2, 6 and 8.

And I break number 3 to get past the roadworks at the end of my street.

ptr_

#9 - roadies wave and say a cheery hello? a nod will suffice.

slowondefy2

I break no. 5 to avoid being the fat man all in lycra.

wasabi_m

What kind of swollen attempt at English was that?

kingrollo

11. You must tell everyone that cleats are easy once you mastered them - even though they are not

12. You must have a filmstar looking wife (i fail on this one)

wishitwasallflat

You must always add 10% (at least) when asked how far or fast any ride was.

You must always subtract 10% (at least) when asked by a spouse how much anything to do with a bike cost.

If anything goes wrong you must blame Wiggle.

ddraver

ptr_ wrote:

#9 - roadies wave and say a cheery hello? a nod will suffice.

Surely it's more of a sneer!

Oh and Kingrollo - Surely both are way more than 10%!!!

navrig

Of course these are now written down and hence bollox ;-)

essjaydee

Gizmodo wrote:

I'm going to get into trouble posting this link again, many people think that "Velominati > The Rules" is the work of the devil, but if you can take them as intended, with humour, then they are a bit of fun - nothing more than that! Please laugh at them and do not take them seriously!

That's genius

Particularly loving

Climbing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.

zanelad

ddraver wrote:

ptr_ wrote:

#9 - roadies wave and say a cheery hello? a nod will suffice.

Surely it's more of a sneer!

Oh and Kingrollo - Surely both are way more than 10%!!!

Damn right. 50% minimum.

EarlyGo

Sorry fellas but as you all know there is only one set of Rules for the real faith:

http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/

If you find this revelation emotionally damaging, then you make seek solace in rule 5.

Regards,

EarlyGo

Thebigbee

Only responding because you used "Thou Shalt Not" in the OP!

Reminded me of this track from a few years ago which I quite like

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoN6XfyQsr4

Funnily enough Dan Le Sac is the guy that Zoe Ball had an affair with when she split up with Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook.

blackhands

Well after 55 years of being a roadie I break the following of your rules:

2. I use MTB pedals – even on my TT bike.
4. I have a visor on my TT head fairing
5. I use waterproofs – and so do the pros, sometimes, but not always (eg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnJvU0ofskc ).
6. I use odd byottles
7. I ha rdly ever ride on the drops – can’t remember the last time.
8. I eat proper food on the go.
9. Generally nod not wave, 10 even to people on any type of bike.

ShutUpLegs

blackhands wrote:

Well after 5 years of being a roadie I break the following of your rules:

2. I use MTB pedals – even on my TT bike.
4. I have a visor on my TT head fairing
5. I use waterproofs – and so do the pros, sometimes, but not always (eg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnJvU0ofskc ).
6. I use odd byottles
7. I ha rdly ever ride on the drops – can’t remember the last time.
8. I eat proper food on the go.
9. Generally nod not wave, 10 even to people on any type of bike.

Proof that riding a road bike doesn't make you a roadie

StayingLate

I agree that Rule 5 should be applied at all time, if in doubt- see rule 5

Thebigbee

Poorly executed thread. Severely lacking in any thought, warmth or wit.

Comes across like a desperate 1st year Uni student attempting, and then massively failing, to ingratiate himself with the lecturer.

It's incredibly easy to exagerate common stereotypes for a cheap "laugh".

Being funny or at least witty is one thing. Attempting to be both but failing quite so cheesily is, well, embarrassing.

It's about as funny as jokes about stereotypes of people that aren't white or come from a different ethnic group.

There was an Irishman, a Welsh man and a Scotts man.......

Dull as and even less funny

pliptrot

I thought it was funny. Some of the following comments make me glad this forum is the closest I'll ever get to the posters. Churlish and sour are 2 words which spring to mind. Being funny and witty is one thing, (it's 2 actually), and we should applaud anyone who tries. Unlike some....

ddraver

Oh wow, I bet you two are a bundle of laughs at parties! :roll:

liquor box

wishitwasallflat wrote:

You must always add 10% (at least) when asked how far or fast any ride was.

You must always subtract 10% (at least) when asked by a spouse how much anything to do with a bike cost.

If anything goes wrong you must blame Wiggle.

You have to think like a woman when explaining the cost of bike equipment, it is not the price that is important, it is how much you saved.
my bike was considered expensive until I explained that I saved $400, my bib Knicks were expensive until it was revealed that I saved $90.

markyboy2005

Thebigbee wrote:

Poorly executed thread. Severely lacking in any thought, warmth or wit.

Comes across like a desperate 1st year Uni student attempting, and then massively failing, to ingratiate himself with the lecturer.

It's incredibly easy to exagerate common stereotypes for a cheap "laugh".

Being funny or at least witty is one thing. Attempting to be both but failing quite so cheesily is, well, embarrassing.

It's about as funny as jokes about stereotypes of people that aren't white or come from a different ethnic group.

There was an Irishman, a Welsh man and a Scotts man.......

Dull as and even less funny

You are a tw@t....

...and what is a Scotts man? The guy on the porridge box?.....

The OP is trying to have a wee laugh and you come out with this response? Honestly, it's no wonder you are in a perpetual argument with someone on this forum - and in case you are wondering - see my first sentence.....

ddraver

liquor box wrote:

wishitwasallflat wrote:

You must always add 10% (at least) when asked how far or fast any ride was.

You must always subtract 10% (at least) when asked by a spouse how much anything to do with a bike cost.

If anything goes wrong you must blame Wiggle.

You have to think like a woman when explaining the cost of bike equipment, it is not the price that is important, it is how much you saved.
my bike was considered expensive until I explained that I saved $400, my bib Knicks were expensive until it was revealed that I saved $90.

liquor box, you re a genius!!!

rake

can we start a heavy handed asassination thread, markyboy can start it off.
you shall shoot down forum users at every oportunity

markyboy2005

rake wrote:

can we start a heavy handed asassination thread, markyboy can start it off.
you shall shoot down forum users at every oportunity

Two in a row Rake....thanks.

But he is...and I know I should bite my tongue (and fingers)....but he is.

I also on occasion post nice things, honest.

Kerguelen

Thebigbee wrote:

...a Scotts man...

Is that someone who rides a Scott? In Scotland?

MattC59

F*ck me sideways Thebigbee, you're a sh*te Troll.

If you're not a Troll, do you have some form of Tourettes ? as you just seem intent on having a go at people and acting a d*ck.