Engineers

veronese68

This gem was in with a load of jokes about engineers in an email. Lucky I wasn't drinking tea when I read it...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful

woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,

"Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly,

'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

DrLex

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems have many thousands of electrical connections.''

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

meanredspider

A true engineering statement

"The greatest load is carried by the stiffest member" 8)

Kieran_Burns

A user, an engineer, and an IT techie were riding a three man bike - they came to a steep hill and the brakes failed...

Hurtling down the hill all three were screaming, fearing their imminent demise! They tore round the bends in the road, barely able to stay upright, the bike almost crashing out several times.

Finally, they get to the bottom and coast to a shuddering, panic laden halt.

The user jumps off the bike, screaming "That thing's a death trap! I'm getting the hell out of here!!!"
The engineer looks carefully at the brakes, saying "I'm sure it's a design fault... I may be able to sort it"
The IT techie looks thoughtful and says "I think I know what the problem is, can we try that again?"

SimonAH

The difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? The MEs build weapons, CEs build targets.

schweiz

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied,

"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

meanredspider

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOtoujYOWw0 The Knack

PBo

3 engineers in a car which breaks down.

the chemical engineer says: "i reckon it's a fuel problem"
the mechanical engineer says: "I reckon it's a problem with the drive shaft"
the IT engineers says: "can't we just turn it off and on again?"

tgotb

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

Allez Mark

Ask a brick layer what 2 + 2 is and he will count on his fingers 1 2 3 4. Ask an engineer what 2 + 2 is and he will get his calculator out, type 2+2 and get 4. Ask an accountant what 2 + 2 is and he will say "what do you want it to be"

walkingbootweather

Allez Mark wrote:

Ask a brick layer what 2 + 2 is and he will count on his fingers 1 2 3 4. Ask an engineer what 2 + 2 is and he will get his calculator out, type 2+2 and get 4. Ask an accountant what 2 + 2 is and he will say "what do you want it to be"

Ask DDD what 0x0 is and he'll tell you it's a tower in London. I reckon he must have been taken up there a few times to know so much about it

Sorry, weak excuse for resurrecting a memorable thread.

Greg T

So then.....

Three Military surgeons are having a drink in the mess after spending the day working on wounded soldiers, they are comparing the relative merits of operating on soldiers of various regiments and corps.

The first surgeon says:

"I like working on men of the Royal Logistics Corp, you upen them up, all the parts are bar coded, you scan the bit you want, fill in the NATO number on the form and a low loader will do a drop of the bit you need in minutes, you pop it in and away you go"

The second surgeon says:

"Well I prefer working on Royal Engineers, you open them up, all the parts are colour coded, you just match up the colours, stitch them up and they walk out happy as Larry"

The third surgeon has a different opinion

"Gunners are the best, they only have two working parts, one's a mouth and the other's the arsehole - it gets better - they are interchangable."

rick_chasey

Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".

veronese68

A wife asks her engineer husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

UndercoverElephant

Veronese68 wrote:

A wife asks her engineer husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Amateur engineer. He should have bought seven.

NGale

Jake has actually just snorted laughing at some of those jokes

My house is nerd central at the moment with him preparing to take up a chief engineers job (which he has been aiming for for 20 years in the mob) and the drawing boards and AutoCAD working over time and me working on Naval Architecture, Fluid Mechanics and Mechanical Principles assignments :shock:

NGale

UndercoverElephant wrote:

Veronese68 wrote:

A wife asks her engineer husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Amateur engineer. He should have bought seven.

Not a decendent of Brunel obviously. Would have broought 100 times the amount required to last well beyond it's use by date

SimonAH

An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist were driving through Wales in a car when they pass a black sheep on the verge.

“Hey” says the engineer “I didn’t know the sheep in Wales were black”

“No” says the mathematician “we only know that one of the sheep in Wales is black”

“You're jumping to conclusions” says the physicist “all we actually know is that there is one sheep in Wales and that half of it is black”

UndercoverElephant

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

veronese68

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be

UndercoverElephant

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

SimonAH

God and the Devil discuss an Engineer

Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they're in heaven and the next they're in hell. When it was God's turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair. As he poured a cup, God said, "You look pretty pleased with yourself." "Yeah," said the Devil, "Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He's put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I've been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here." God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer. "You know that you're not supposed to get any engineers," God said. "Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we'll straighten it out." But the Devil just chuckled and said, "No. I think I'll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself." "Send him back," demanded God "No," smirked the Devil. God thundered, "Send him back, or..." "Or what?" the Devil asked. "Or I'll sue," finished God. The Devil chuckled again. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Jay dubbleU

A geologist and an engineer go for a job interview.
One of the questions is 'What is the square root of 27 ?'
The engineer gets out his calculator and replies '5.19615'.
The geologist replies '5 and a bit'

The Rookie

Jay dubbleU wrote:

A geologist and an engineer go for a job interview.
One of the questions is 'What is the square root of 27 ?'
The engineer gets out his calculator and replies '5.19615'.
The geologist replies '5 and a bit'

And an Astro-physicist would say 1 (everything in Astro-physics tends to 0, 1 or infinity.....), I'm the Engineer, one of my best mates the A-P.

Simon

phy2sll2

The Beginner wrote:

Jay dubbleU wrote:

A geologist and an engineer go for a job interview.
One of the questions is 'What is the square root of 27 ?'
The engineer gets out his calculator and replies '5.19615'.
The geologist replies '5 and a bit'

And an Astro-physicist would say 1 (everything in Astro-physics tends to 0, 1 or infinity.....), I'm the Engineer, one of my best mates the A-P.

Simon

Or they'd give you an answer in natural units...

sufferingpete

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be

The pessimistic engineer the glass is half-empty and what is left is evaporating!

desweller

Rick Chasey wrote:

Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".

Most designers I know would collapse into an hysterical fit if they were put in a situation where they had to do any sort of manual labour!