Gazlar's Practical Joke and Drunken Shenanigans Emporium

Gazlar

Seeing as the dating pages have turned into a catalogue of tales about making mates thing they've been sexually violated by a man whilst unconcious, lets have a different thread about the beest practical jokes and funny fibs you have played, whilst drunk, sober or high on ketamine, as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson would say "it doesn't matter". Feel free to tell your tales of woe when under the influence, or add pics of a "mate in a state"

My opening gambit will be the time I got very drunk in Wolverhampton Student Union. At the Time I lived on Batmanshill Road on the edge of Tipton and Bilston so I wandered back, in a state from Wolves with my old mukka Joey. I went wrong somewhere and ended up on Princes End High Street where we stumbled across a set of roadworks and traffic cones. What do drunk people do with traffic cones, put them on their head? Climb up a statue and put in on its head? not us, we decided to use the cones and the signs to divert all of the traffic into Kwik Save's car park.

Aggieboy

While out in a group I put a cone over a small concrete bollard, while a friend was distracted. Asked him to see how far he could boot the cone. Oh, how we laughed

angry_bird

Gazlar wrote:

What do drunk people do with traffic cones, put them on their head? Climb up a statue and put in on its head? not us, we decided to use the cones and the signs to divert all of the traffic into Kwik Save's car park.

We closed the road outside our uni and completely farked up the one-system around camden and mornington crescent...

supersonic

We used to steal alsorts of street furniture - cones, for sale signs, bollards. My mate once dragged a grit bin back! We tried to nick a whole bus shelter once but couldn't get it out of the ground.

spongtastic

Well

I've turned indoors into outdoors, turned indoors upside down with a nail gun, diverted the A52, stolen the halogen lamps from Nottinghamshire cc for a hemp farm, used beer bottles and weedkiller sugar and batteries as grenades, driven a cosworth the wrong way down the M1, posted anti gov stuff all over trains, plus more whilst pissed. Think that's enough shenanagins for now.

cat_with_no_tail

I painted "David [name removed] has no foreskin" in white emulsion in 5ft letters across 3 lanes of the M621 in Morley.

I was also taken home in a police car once for being so drunk I couldn't stand (16ish at the time). I made it all the way back to our driveway before throwing up all over the WPC in the passanger seat.

Within hours of arriving at the hotel on a rugby club holiday to Teneriefe, I was so shitfaced I tripped and fell out on the terrace.
Luckily my face broke the fall though. I broke my nose and took a big chip out of one of my front teeth.

From the age of 15, me and a couple of mates all used to tell our parents we were going to sleep over at each others houses, then we'd go buy a load of cheap booze (think white lightning etc) and kip in the shed at the bottom of my parents garden. We'd spend the night running round generally causing mayhem, racing shopping trolleys down the highstreet, setting fire to wheely bins etc.

Gazlar

My polish mate wojciech once got very drunk, forgot his pin in a cash point so it wsallowed his card, so he ripped off the surround and took it home.

We also got my mate (joey again) drunk on half pints of aftershock then went to 24 hour asda. He wanted pizza so wandered off, when we found him he was face down in the pizza freezer, legs in the air fast asleep

we often shaved one of my mates, don't think he had a uni pic that didn't lack an eyebrow or sideburn, we shaved his eyebrow once but cut it, his eyelids stuck together with blood and he thought he was blind the next morning

cat_with_no_tail

After one of my mates had a messy break up with his GF (again, whilst we were still at school) we all got plssed one night, then proceeded to empty every single wheely bin on her street into their front garden and all over her dads car.

We have also used a set of clippers to do reverse mohawks on a few people in the past.

My parents house had balconies on some of the guest rooms, we have previously stripped people, and locked them outside. It's particularly funny when you strip 2 people (male) and lock them both outside, together, naked. It's even more funny when you consider the fact that these balconies face out onto a main road.

Gazlar

One I think I've told before happened in Amsterdam, I was with Mrs G and her sister walking around the Albert Cuypmarkt when they started girlily ganging up on me and being generally lippy, so I turned to Mrs G and said "you wanna shut it, or you know whats gonna happen" she went "ooh big man, whatcha gonna do, I'm so scared" I said This, let a force 10 Gazlar guff rip into my hands and cupcaked her with a loud "POW!!!" I then smugly turned to her sister to see Mrs G stood next to her, I turned around again to see a confused but clearly angry Dutch woman staring at me who had just recieved a very publicly announced gift of the gaseous kind!

cat_with_no_tail

Gazlar That's one of the funniest things I've read on here in a long time.

sheepsteeth

i once convinced man to do this to his hair by way of a bet he couldnt win



i call it the reverse monk.

spongtastic

'on a mission' sticker on the back of a met police car, giant picture of the 'Police' the band on the wall of Chelmsford Essex Police Station, stealing and running off with the 'old salutation' inn sign, pouring fluorescent dye into the trev fountain, leaving flyers on first great eastern trains comparing them to concentration camp cattle trucks. Being arrested for discussing ways to paralyse London with 4 bombs in a pub frequented by mi staff.

sheepsteeth

i once convinced my sister's friend at university that i had a fake leg with a real foot on the end of it.

she was sceptical at first but when i explained that it was a military procedure done as a test he seemed to believe it. she fell for the idea that my veins were joined togther using veins from a pig hind quarters.

i kept up the charade by limping everywhere i went and he asked to see it, i went all bashfull and said i should never have bought it up as i am self concious about the way it looks.

she felt terrible and preoceded to buy me a lot o drinks to apologise.

tlw1

One drunk night we got a mate to leave a message on the student house phone declaring love for one of the girls in the house.

She took it way too seriously, and we got him to ring back a couple of nights later to rectify the situation. So he said he was from the nottingham police rape centre and traced the call to our house from a known rapist!

She locked herself in the toilet for hours crying about a man she had never met and didn't twig when the policeman was called inspector P. Nurse :roll:

She also superglued herself to a window once - she was on a teaching course

IcarusGreen

I've been trying to find the picture of one of my mates escort van on top of an iso container where the recover mechanics put it.

We used to put a metal pole through the arms of birthday boys coveralls and lift them up on the gantry crane.

In the falklands we used to have a seat that you could strap people in and lift them on a vehicle crane, then proceeded to wash them down with a fire engine.

For 3 months we convinced the Americans we we're working with in Iraq that the only way Brits did Tequila was by 'stuntman'. (snort salt, lemon in eye, drink tequila) and if they wanted to drink with us thats how they had to drink it.

On the same tour we introduced the Americans to the '3 man lift'.

Raymondavalon

About 20 years ago I launched a 1000ft bright white flare off over the runway of an international airport.
This caused a massive security alert and resulted in hours of delays.
This airport was not in England I am pleased to say

tlw1

IcarusGreen wrote:

On the same tour we introduced the Americans to the '3 man lift'.

Haven't done that for ages! As life has moved on, is it ok to do it at kids parties?

Muttly1981

Gazlar wrote:

One I think I've told before happened in Amsterdam, I was with Mrs G and her sister walking around the Albert Cuypmarkt when they started girlily ganging up on me and being generally lippy, so I turned to Mrs G and said "you wanna shut it, or you know whats gonna happen" she went "ooh big man, whatcha gonna do, I'm so scared" I said This, let a force 10 Gazlar guff rip into my hands and cupcaked her with a loud "POW!!!" I then smugly turned to her sister to see Mrs G stood next to her, I turned around again to see a confused but clearly angry Dutch woman staring at me who had just recieved a very publicly announced gift of the gaseous kind!

Awesomes

One of the mates was asleep so we thought it'd be funny to veet his chest, we applied it and just left to go home. At somepoint in the night he scratched his chest and also scratched his head, he came into the pub the day after with a bald spot on the side of his head.

pingu lord of all penguin

My mates 21st at our local rugby club we got the ladies team to Immac his wedding veg while he was taped to a weights bench! This stuff is meant to be left on for 5min tops but being pissed we forgot and left it on for 45min. later that night he comes out with his sack bright red and the size of a grapefruit! Come Monday training he shows up after being to the docs, saying that the Immac has destroyed some of the hair follicles meaning his pubes will grow back in tufts!! :shock: 8)

Ryan Jones

Gazlar wrote:

My opening gambit will be the time I got very drunk in Wolverhampton Student Union. At the Time I lived on Batmanshill Road on the edge of Tipton and Bilston so I wandered back, in a state from Wolves with my old mukka Joey. I went wrong somewhere and ended up on Princes End High Street where we stumbled across a set of roadworks and traffic cones. What do drunk people do with traffic cones, put them on their head? Climb up a statue and put in on its head? not us, we decided to use the cones and the signs to divert all of the traffic into Kwik Save's car park.

Thats poor, go to the other end of batmanshill road and do that diverting people onto the gypsy site, now that would be interesting


Funniest I can remember was at at school, we used to hang around up Coseley and on the way back through to by teddy bear park, we went past this girl out my class' house. No cars were there but her bedroom light was on, so we figured she was home alone, however unlike rational people who would knock the door and try get a quick nightcap we did one better, one of my mates knocked the door and I stood in the road with my trousers down shaking my ass like Bart Simpson ! Of course she wasn't home alone and we ended up getting chased by her dad, who nearly punched me in when I got cornered in a cul-de-sac ! I later found out he ran for tipton harriers, pretty bad however the best was to come when last year at work I bumped into him at his desk in the office

MountainMonster

Shaved 2 of our friends heads, but only at the back, leaving a patch in the shape of a wang. Took them 2 weeks to notice, since we only shaved the shape in, and left most hair there. Made for some funny looks.

Also stripped 2 of my friends down after passing out from drunkeness at a party, moved a metal frame bed outside on the street, handcuffed the 2 of them naked there, and had them touching each other. Police were not too happy about that one, especially considering it was about 3 in the afternoon.

Kaise

decided on my first lads holiday to replace water with vodka, got so dehydrated i gave myself liver poisoning which led to me collapsing in the middle of a street in malia and then waking up in a hospital, on a drip for 2 days.

It could have been worse though as the german dude i was shairing a hospital room with had hired a scooter and fallen off braking both arms and his collar bone and a minor fracture to his lower leg, he wasnt going anywhere for some time, and it was only the second day of a 3 week holiday!

my mates did bring me porn and haribo to cheer me up, good lads!

spennyy2k

a mate of mine used to draw on people at parties when they fell asleep, one day it was his turn to take a nap so i wandered off to the shed got my tin of black hammerite and plastered his face in it

cat_with_no_tail

When I was at school we got up to allsorts.

One time we turned round all the taps in an upstairs science lab so they were over the desks and then turned them all on. Flooded the whole science block.

Another time me and 2 mates went into Morrisons on lunch one day and bought a few sets of cheap, multi-head screwdrivers (the little magnetic kind) then proceeded to unscrew absolutely everything we could get out hands on. Tabletops, radiators, hinges, door handles, light switches, the LOT.

We also made the "durex tree" (got a load of rubbers from the family planning, blew them up, and tied them to the little tree in the main quad).

Gazlar

When I worked cheffing at the golden dingle stadium we had a chef I worked on section with who did the Brian Clough, phone goes in the kitchen, he picked it up and says "fook off" and put the phone down again. It rang back and he yells "I told you to fook off" a voice the other end said something he said "do you know who you are speaking to?......... No well fook off then". Problem was the voice on the other end was John Richards, then the md of Wolves FC and Gary the chef was the only American working in the kitchen, it led to his sacking.

I also saw him stir a customers creme anglaise with his Wang after they complained about their wait for their maim course so they were offered dessert for free!

VWsurfbum

Gazlar wrote:

I also saw him stir a customers creme anglaise with his Wang after they complained about their wait for their maim course so they were offered dessert for free!

I have worked in resturants, i never send the food back, if its shit i'll leave it and and complain at the end!

Gazlar

VWsurfbum wrote:

Gazlar wrote:

I also saw him stir a customers creme anglaise with his Wang after they complained about their wait for their maim course so they were offered dessert for free!

I have worked in resturants, i never send the food back, if its shoot i'll leave it and and complain at the end!

correct othewise you know you will end up with jizzcustard on your spotted dick

crazy88

Gazlar wrote:

VWsurfbum wrote:

Gazlar wrote:

I also saw him stir a customers creme anglaise with his Wang after they complained about their wait for their maim course so they were offered dessert for free!

I have worked in resturants, i never send the food back, if its shoot i'll leave it and and complain at the end!

correct othewise you know you will end up with jizzcustard on your spotted dick

Is that not normal? Maybe I go to strange restaurants?!

bails87

A friend of mine at uni was (apparently ) shagging a girl on the stairs of her house.

As he reached the point of no return he shouted "FIRE! FIRE! HEEEELLLPPP!". He managed to pull his trousers on and run off just as the girl's housemates came out of their rooms expecting a fire, but found their housemate, who certainly didn't need any more damping down.......


On a more boring note we created a spiders web in a mates room by wrapping string around practically everything, lamps, door handles, general bits of crap on shelves. It was made much funnier by the fact that we'd done it at the beginning of a night out, so he came back pi55ed, went scissor-happy on the string and woke up in the morning to find out he'd pulled a load of stuff over and also chopped through light switch and blind cords.

A (sober!!) friend also threw a broom at another mate. He had to go into college with a black eye for the next week....."no, I'm not being bullied.......it was a broom".

kona_matt

I've got loads but being all grown up and a father now, i'll have to do some thinking to recall the best ones. for now, this inventive prank by my nephew springs to mind.

he's at uni, bored one day, one of his housemates is away all day so him and his other housemates decide to cover the absent housemate's room entirely in tin foil. I mean everything, walls, door, floor, desk, bed, books, CDs (individually wrapped), furniture, TV, clothes, the lot. cost them a small fortune but said housemate was unwrapping things for weeks afterwards.

bails87

I've heard of people blowing cress seed under dorm-mates' doors while they've been away, and then returning daily to water the seeds.

Dorm-mate returns from holidays to find a well established colony of watercress which means buying a lawnmower or a new carpet.