In need of support - your puns here.
CiB
Posts: 6,098
You're a good bunch so I thought I might share this bit of news with you - I'm getting through it, touch wood.
My wife left me last night – said she couldn’t cope with my OCD. I told her to close the door five times behind her on the way out, and then to come back three times to check that the oven is off. And apparently she doesn’t like my habit of storing everything up for future arguments. I wrote that one down and filed it under ‘I’ for insult. Once I’d realised what was happening I shouted "Please come back. You've forgotten the kids".
It started last week when she was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table, and she suddenly got angry and started shouting and crying for no reason! I thought to myself.... "She's going through the change". And then she said she thought it was weird how much I love touching pasta.....I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I’m as bad. I'm having difficulty spelling the word "apocalypse". I'm OK with it though; I mean it's not the end of the world. I want to build my own spaceship, but am daunted by the technical complexity of the task. I won’t be to be put off by it, after all, it's not rocket science.
For those who are a bit slow out of the blocks, this is a joke email doing the rounds. My wife is fine thanks, under the patio where she's been for the last 8 months.
My wife left me last night – said she couldn’t cope with my OCD. I told her to close the door five times behind her on the way out, and then to come back three times to check that the oven is off. And apparently she doesn’t like my habit of storing everything up for future arguments. I wrote that one down and filed it under ‘I’ for insult. Once I’d realised what was happening I shouted "Please come back. You've forgotten the kids".
It started last week when she was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table, and she suddenly got angry and started shouting and crying for no reason! I thought to myself.... "She's going through the change". And then she said she thought it was weird how much I love touching pasta.....I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I’m as bad. I'm having difficulty spelling the word "apocalypse". I'm OK with it though; I mean it's not the end of the world. I want to build my own spaceship, but am daunted by the technical complexity of the task. I won’t be to be put off by it, after all, it's not rocket science.
For those who are a bit slow out of the blocks, this is a joke email doing the rounds. My wife is fine thanks, under the patio where she's been for the last 8 months.
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Comments
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fairer than tha....
ffffairer....than....
fairer, ffffff
fairrrrrrrrer.... ththth
I cant say fairer than that"Encyclopaedia is a fetish for very small bicycles"0 -
He's heading towards a breakdown.
Who is?
The AA man.Fat lads take longer to stop.0 -
I spent a night in hospital last weekend after I got injured in a pillow fight.
The doctors were afraid I had con-cushion.
(Is this the Milton Jones thread?)"Consider the grebe..."0 -
I was feeling sympathy til I got to the cannelloni - bad punster0
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My neighbours eat roast swan on Sundays, We can't afford it. Ut's just swanupmanship.FCN 5 belt driven fixie for city bits
CAADX 105 beastie for bumpy bits
Litespeed L3 for Strava bits
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.0 -
Buying new tyres has made me realise the cost of inflation0
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I've got some bad news on the job front, I've had to do a few part time things because my poultry dating agency failed as I just couldn't make 'ens meet.
Since then I've been fired as a human cannonball, let off from the firework factory & binned by the recycling department.
Worst of all was being sacked from my job on the dodgems for something I didn't do & now I'm having to sue for funfair dismissal.
Like my uncle in Death Valley says, it never rains.0 -
My LBS couldn't sort out my disc brakes this morning because apparently their mechanic was bleeding.0
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Human cannonball eh? Small world - I did that for a while, great job, custom built cannon to accomodate my wide shoulders, the lot. When I left my boss was superb. I'll never forget his parting words to me - "We'll struggle to find another bloke of your calibre."shouldbeinbed wrote:I've got some bad news on the job front, I've had to do a few part time things because my poultry dating agency failed as I just couldn't make 'ens meet.
Since then I've been fired as a human cannonball, let off from the firework factory & binned by the recycling department.
Worst of all was being sacked from my job on the dodgems for something I didn't do & now I'm having to sue for funfair dismissal.
Like my uncle in Death Valley says, it never rains.0 -
Did the London to Brighton ride today.Someone threw an apple core at me right on the finish line-pipped at the post!
My missus is a terrible cook-even when she's got the recipe.I mean,how hard can it be?
'Seperate 2 eggs'-she put 1 in the living room......0 -
The wife come in crying her eyes out today and asked me to console her,so i smashed her over the head with the Xbox!0
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Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse. My local church exploded when a bunch of atheist physicists went in - turns out it was a critical mass.0
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Old Macdonald was dyslexic,O I O I E.0
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I thought it was the dyslexic bulimic who choked on her own vimto?
Anyways, apparently the vatican stinks of cat-pee cos there's so many cats living there.
The pope loves them, can't get enough. He's a cat-a-holicFCN = 40 -
I was going to join a gay apathy club, but I couldn't be arsed....Chunky Cyclists need your love too! :-)
2009 Specialized Tricross Sport
2011 Trek Madone 4.5
2012 Felt F65X
Proud CX Pervert and quiet roadie. 12 mile commuter0 -
The most popular boy names in the UK now are Ronnie and Reggie. They're all the craze.0
