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Office Banter

rick_chaseyrick_chasey Posts: 65,364 Lives Here
edited March 2011 in The bottom bracket
Just overheard this:

"I'm off to boots, does anyone want anything?"

"Yeah, hemeroid cream. censored "

"You don't need hemeroid cream. Just get monkey over here *points to guy next to me* to use his tongue to push them back in."

Err... I think I need to find another job.
_

Posts

  • davieseedaviesee Posts: 6,386
    Standard round here.

    None of us would last long at Sky. And the women are worse than the men.
    None of the above should be taken seriously, and certainly not personally.
  • rick_chaseyrick_chasey Posts: 65,364 Lives Here
    daviesee wrote:
    Standard round here.

    None of us would last long at Sky. And the women are worse than the men.

    I can believe that.

    It's standard here to - that's why I should probably move. It grates after a while (well, a short while).
    _
  • YossieYossie Posts: 2,600
    What a load of rubbish - cream scheam.

    Wire brush & paraffin, that'll do the job everytime.
  • rick_chaseyrick_chasey Posts: 65,364 Lives Here
    *sigh*.

    So predictable.

    You can imagine.

    "How did blah get my number?"

    3...2...1...

    "Maybe they got your name off the wall at *insert local gay cruising bar* when you were visiting the big maaan!"
    _
  • CHRISNOIRCHRISNOIR Posts: 1,400
    On a (vaguely) related note I once walked into my office to find one of the women saying "I took one look at the size of it and said 'You're not going up my a*se with that!' "

    Turned out she was referring to the time she went to the doctors with piles - the doctor had quite large hands.
  • tlw1tlw1 Posts: 21,110
    CHRISNOIR wrote:
    On a (vaguely) related note I once walked into my office to find one of the women saying "I took one look at the size of it and said 'You're not going up my a*se with that!' "

    Turned out she was referring to the time she went to the doctors with piles - the doctor had quite large hands.

    She added the doctor bit after seeing your jaw drop
  • Frank the tankFrank the tank Posts: 6,553
    Funnily enough a bloke at work told us this today.

    The other day he had gone to the Dr's, as a fortnight ago he had had a fall on his MTB and given his gonads a right good rattling on the top tube and was still getting pain in his groin.

    The doctor enquired if he had passed any blood and had it affected his sex life to which he answered no. Doctor gave him a plastic tube and asked him for a sample. Bloke duly went away and it took him half an hour to summon up the, ahem "enthusiasm" and provide a sample.

    On his return to the surgery the doctor said crickey you've been a long time, do you have your specimen? Whereupon he was presented with "the sample" the doctor looked at it and said

    I meant a urine sample. :lol:
    I believe this to be true as it's not the sort of story you would make up about yourself, surely.
    Tail end Charlie

    The above post may contain traces of sarcasm or/and bullsh*t.
  • AggieboyAggieboy Posts: 3,996
    Frank the tank wrote:
    Funnily enough a bloke at work told us this today.

    The other day he had gone to the Dr's, as a fortnight ago he had had a fall on his MTB and given his gonads a right good rattling on the top tube and was still getting pain in his groin.

    The doctor enquired if he had passed any blood and had it affected his sex life to which he answered no. Doctor gave him a plastic tube and asked him for a sample. Bloke duly went away and it took him half an hour to summon up the, ahem "enthusiasm" and provide a sample.

    On his return to the surgery the doctor said crickey you've been a long time, do you have your specimen? Whereupon he was presented with "the sample" the doctor looked at it and said

    I meant a urine sample. :lol:
    I believe this to be true as it's not the sort of story you would make up about yourself, surely.

    I had some embarrassment along the same lines myself, today. I got chucked off the 14 bus as wanking into the Beano doesn't count as Comic Relief, apparently.
    "There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."
  • redveeredvee Posts: 11,922
    Where I used to work I was in the office upstairs in the summer when the ice-cream van turned up and tinkled his choons. One girl, who wasn't the slimmest of things bounced acrosss the office if you get my drift and asked Mary, an older lady, if she wanted a 69. After the second of silence from all of us in earshot including the boss she corrected herself and said she meant a 99!
    I've added a signature to prove it is still possible.
  • OlliedaOllieda Posts: 1,010
    i remember my french teacher at school used to come out with some corkers purley by accident. Best ones were due to her badly placed pauses.

    One where the class was discussing what level of exam paper we should be entered into, lower or middle? her response "I feel myself"........................................................long pause.........................."that you should do the middle paper"
  • Mad RoadieMad Roadie Posts: 710
    redvee wrote:
    Where I used to work I was in the office upstairs in the summer when the ice-cream van turned up and tinkled his choons. One girl, who wasn't the slimmest of things bounced acrosss the office if you get my drift and asked Mary, an older lady, if she wanted a 69. After the second of silence from all of us in earshot including the boss she corrected herself and said she meant a 99!

    is it true that due to inflation the old position 69 has been renamed 96? .. because it costs more to eat out these days!
  • rick_chaseyrick_chasey Posts: 65,364 Lives Here
    Another standard line from this morning, 8.35:

    "Would you rather be in the ring with Mike Tyson or be in Tyson's ring?"
    _
  • shouldbeinbedshouldbeinbed Posts: 2,660
    Rick Chasey wrote:
    Just overheard this:

    "I'm off to boots, does anyone want anything?"

    "Yeah, hemeroid cream. fool"

    "You don't need hemeroid cream. Just get monkey over here *points to guy next to me* to use his tongue to push them back in."

    Err... I think I need to find another job.

    are you sure it was the guy next to you he was pointing at :wink:
  • rick_chaseyrick_chasey Posts: 65,364 Lives Here
    shouldbeinbed wrote:
    Rick Chasey wrote:
    Just overheard this:

    "I'm off to boots, does anyone want anything?"

    "Yeah, hemeroid cream. fool"

    "You don't need hemeroid cream. Just get monkey over here *points to guy next to me* to use his tongue to push them back in."

    Err... I think I need to find another job.

    are you sure it was the guy next to you he was pointing at :wink:

    I'm not the "monkey", or, as the picture above the guys name would have it "the flying censored monkey" (my boss drew a picture of an censored with wings and feet, cut it out, and stuck it over his name up on the wall).

    I'm apparently the homosexual one with a fetish for lycra and bums.
    _
  • Jez monJez mon Posts: 3,809
    Complain to wiggle?

    Or write a blog about your experience, hoping that someone out there is mildly riled by unfunny, but not especially offensive bantuuuur.
    You live and learn. At any rate, you live
  • rick_chaseyrick_chasey Posts: 65,364 Lives Here
    Jez mon wrote:
    Complain to wiggle?

    Or write a blog about your experience, hoping that someone out there is mildly riled by unfunny, but not especially offensive bantuuuur.

    It's more just irritating and boring and I want to moan about it :P
    _
  • WheelspinnerWheelspinner Posts: 6,157
    Rick Chasey wrote:
    I'm apparently the homosexual one with a fetish for lycra and bums.

    Aren't those the qualifying criteria for the Boonen Fan Club? :P
    Open O-1.0 Open One+ BMC TE29 Titus Racer X Ti Seven 622SL Kestrel RT1000 On One Scandal Cervelo RS
  • crazy88crazy88 Posts: 560
    I frequently go a full day speaking to nobody at work. An office full of PhD students is rather quiet to say the least. Whenever my phone rings I sound like my voice is breaking as I haven'tspoken all day.

    I'd love some office banter!!!
    Out with the old, in with the new here.
  • izzaizza Posts: 1,561
    Rick Chasey wrote:
    Another standard line from this morning, 8.35:

    "Would you rather be in the ring with Mike Tyson or be in Tyson's ring?"

    Met Barry Mcguigan years ago when Tyson was at his best/fearsome.

    He said, "There's a rumour that Mike Tyson is gay, but no-one has the nerve to ask him............then again, no-one's got the nerve to refuse him."
  • HeadhuunterHeadhuunter Posts: 6,494
    PM me your CV, I'll get you a job at my firm.... We have a better class of office banter...
    Do not write below this line. Office use only.
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 79,667
    I have essex factory floor banter to contend with. Lordy, lordy.
  • CrapaudCrapaud Posts: 2,483
    The office banter in my last place was poor. So much so that I had to lead the way.

    One of the girls, an ocassional smoker, asked me for a match. Realising who she was taking to, she tried to pre-empt a response with, "And don't say my censored and your face."

    *pause for effect*

    "Are you saying I've got a big face?", I asked.
    A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject - Churchill
  • finchyfinchy Posts: 6,686
    It's when you get told on your first day that "you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps" that you know the banter is going to be particularly lame.
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 79,667
    Although, one wit here did mention that he had to go to the doctors for tests. he said the doctor wanted a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample and he quipped, " so I just gave him a pair of my pants".

    Nice. :D
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