Speech at Club Dinner - ideas - jokes / funny stories please

harrywolper

I am doing the club dinner speech this year. Does anyone have any good ideas for subjects, funny stories, jokes or anything that I might be able to use please? Obviously I will acknowledge anything provided by saying I thought of it first ;-)

Regards, Harry.

Cleat Eastwood

speedking, steelem, bhima. Kept many a forumite entertained for daaaaays

Anonymous

Are you having steak/beef? That'll be a good starting point for a quick quip about the club TT champ...

disquieting_museeuws

The mock training diary of a well-known character in the club that you've 'found' (i.e. made up) could be good - they'd have to not mind obviously. Also has the advantage that you don't have to learn it by heart but can read it out. Lots of scope for in-jokes which is inclusive towards other members as well.

BeaconRuth

One of the best club dinner speeches I've heard was where the speaker stood up and said he'd had a dream about going on a clubrun............. and then proceeded to mention loads of the club members and that they were doing whatever was humourous about them - I thought it was a very clever device to bring up all the eccentricities and quirks of the characters in the club. Certainly got lots of laughs.

Failing that, a slightly rude joke which makes me laugh every time I think of it:

"I was out on my bike the other day and I came up alongside a bloke riding along with no shorts on. I asked him what on Earth he was doing. "It was my wife's idea, the chap said. The other day I went out for a ride without a jersey on and came back with a stiff neck"...................." boom boom!

Ruth

prb007

Joke – the club president dies and goes (surprisingly) to heaven.
Upon arrival, St.Peter shows him in to the arrival lounge and
promptly offers him a wish as he’s lived a good life.

The prez asks him if he could build a bridge from Dover to Calais
as he’d always wanted to cycle to France but the channel always got in
the way!

St Peter responds; ‘but think of the colossal waste of resources, the steel, concrete, tarmac and manpower that it would take, don’t you have a more reasonable request?’ he asked.

Well, alright says the president, how about making all roadies more sociable, you know, make them wave to each other, say hello to all other cyclists, etc.?

Quick as a flash, St.Peter replies…………
Right then, this bridge, do you want two lanes in each direction, or three?

jimmcdonnell

It's not cycling related, but you might want to watch 'The Aristocrats'...

Don't get it confused with Disney's 'The Aristocats', BTW.

Nuggs

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'll be honest with you, this isn't the first time today that I have risen shakily from a seat nervously clutching a piece of paper in my hand.

Being asked to do this speech is a lot like being asked if you want to have sex with [insert suitable name of revered but fugly person]. It's an honour to be asked but you don't really want to do it.

mroli

-1 to Nuggs' selection - done to death!

Don't bang on too long, don't make it too "in-jokey", think of who your audience is and who you need to appeal to.

Don't get mega pissed beforehand - practice saying it out loud a couple of times before delivering it for real. People tend to speak too quietly and too quickly when the time comes.

Nuggs

Everyone's a critic...

fleshtuxedo

Write a funny poem - I did one for my wedding speech and it went very well. Easier than story telling, if you ask me.

mroli

Nuggs wrote:

Everyone's a critic...

At a Club dinner - everyone certainly will be!!!

zippypablo

have a look at some old Cycling Weeklys if you can. Hutch's "acts of cycling stupidity" could give you some stories to adapt to club members. I was the best man at a wedding in the summer and the groom is notoriously tight with money. I ended the speech by saying that it wasn't champagne that we were all drinking but Blue Nun that had been put throug a Soda Stream. If the organisers are a bit frugal you could use that. Got a laugh at the wedding.

mmuk

you could try:

''bear with me a minute - (take a drink) - the chairman's bought the top table a drink, and it's my turn to take a sip''

good luck

mm

tomstickland

I was best man a year ago. I nicked loads of my jokes from the internet, friends and books. I only used jokes that I would have invented myself if I'd had the time and kept it really simple. Plan it and rehearse it. Avoid really complicated jokes that go on for hours.
Think through the people who will be there, try to think of stupid things that have said or done. Embellish the stories. Make stuff up that sounds plausible.