Modern Britain Nursery Rhymes
Clever Pun
Posts: 6,778
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there the cupboard was bare because she had spent 13 years creating public sector non-jobs for people with worthless degrees. So the poor little doggie shat in her bed.
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house that he bought with a secret loan from a millionaire chum that he didn't declare to his mortgage lender because he's a sleazy prick who thinks he's better than you.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl but he only got his bowl because some bullshit statistics showed that if he smoked his pipe then at least two of his fiddlers would die of cancer.
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
They were all sitting on the platform at Bristol Temple Meads and had been there for about three hours because the rail system in this country is a pile of fucking shit.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Did not have enough helicopters to put Humpty together again and anyway it's a waste of time because it is a vicious tribal dispute that will continue long after we have been forced to withdraw.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.
Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
By the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really bad for you and that excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children.
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, but it will cost you £1.20 a bag because of the government's latest hike in wool duty and the fact that sterling is now worth less than the Albanian Lek.
Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.
One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.
Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Fucking Arseholes.
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there the cupboard was bare because she had spent 13 years creating public sector non-jobs for people with worthless degrees. So the poor little doggie shat in her bed.
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house that he bought with a secret loan from a millionaire chum that he didn't declare to his mortgage lender because he's a sleazy prick who thinks he's better than you.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl but he only got his bowl because some bullshit statistics showed that if he smoked his pipe then at least two of his fiddlers would die of cancer.
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
They were all sitting on the platform at Bristol Temple Meads and had been there for about three hours because the rail system in this country is a pile of fucking shit.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Did not have enough helicopters to put Humpty together again and anyway it's a waste of time because it is a vicious tribal dispute that will continue long after we have been forced to withdraw.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.
Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
By the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really bad for you and that excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children.
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, but it will cost you £1.20 a bag because of the government's latest hike in wool duty and the fact that sterling is now worth less than the Albanian Lek.
Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.
One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.
Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Fucking Arseholes.
Purveyor of sonic doom
Very Hairy Roadie - FCN 4
Fixed Pista- FCN 5
Beared Bromptonite - FCN 14
Very Hairy Roadie - FCN 4
Fixed Pista- FCN 5
Beared Bromptonite - FCN 14
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Comments
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The wheels on the bus go
err nowhere mate. This service has been cut.0 -
Clever Pun wrote:Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there the cupboard was bare because she had spent 13 years creating public sector non-jobs for people with worthless degrees. So the poor little doggie shat in her bed.
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house that he bought with a secret loan from a millionaire chum that he didn't declare to his mortgage lender because he's a sleazy prick who thinks he's better than you.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl but he only got his bowl because some bullshit statistics showed that if he smoked his pipe then at least two of his fiddlers would die of cancer.
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
They were all sitting on the platform at Bristol Temple Meads and had been there for about three hours because the rail system in this country is a pile of fucking shoot.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Did not have enough helicopters to put Humpty together again and anyway it's a waste of time because it is a vicious tribal dispute that will continue long after we have been forced to withdraw.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.
Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
By the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really bad for you and that excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children.
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, but it will cost you £1.20 a bag because of the government's latest hike in wool duty and the fact that sterling is now worth less than the Albanian Lek.
Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.
One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.
Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Fucking Arseholes.
Quite possibly a contender for POTY.....Road bike FCN 6
Hardtail Commuter FCN 11 (Apparently, but that may be due to the new beard...)0 -
This is amazing.FCN - 10
Cannondale Bad Boy Solo with baggies.0 -
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Wow, you're a bit grumpy today CP.1985 Mercian King of Mercia - work in progress (Hah! Who am I kidding?)
Pinnacle Monzonite
Part of the anti-growth coalition0 -
Excellent stuff.
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/a-child's-guide-to-modern-britain-201003172568
All your own work?"Impressive break"
"Thanks...
...I can taste blood"0 -
Hey mods, what's up with the URL function?"Impressive break"
"Thanks...
...I can taste blood"0 -
BustedRule #5 // Harden The Feck Up.
Rule #9 // If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.
Rule #12 // The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.
Rule #42 // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.0 -
Oh the grand old duke of York he had
no air cover because we can't achieve savings by having both harriers and tornado's in service, so we're getting rid of the harriers that we still sell to other countries.."I get paid to make other people suffer on my wheel, how good is that"
--Jens Voight0 -
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
But incoming at 20kms - we're all going to die0 -
Attica wrote:Hey mods, what's up with the URL function?0
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Shouldn't that be Baa baa ethnic minority sheep?0
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whyamihere wrote:Attica wrote:Hey mods, what's up with the URL function?
Thanks WAIH
Thought I was going mad"Impressive break"
"Thanks...
...I can taste blood"0 -
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Georgie Porgie pudding & pie
Cut the jobs & made us cry
When the students came out to play
Georgie Porgie ran awayRiding on 5310 -
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Clarion wrote:Georgie Porgie pudding & pie
Cut the jobs & made us cry
When the students came out to play
Georgie Porgie ran away
Much better - actually rhymes and scans. Thought the OP ones were a bit meh TBH.1985 Mercian King of Mercia - work in progress (Hah! Who am I kidding?)
Pinnacle Monzonite
Part of the anti-growth coalition0 -
One that needs no adapting at all:
Half a pound of tuppeny rise
Half a pound of treacle
That's the way the money goes
Pop goes the weasel
Up & down the City Road
In & out of The Eagle
That's the way the money goes
Pop goes the weaselRiding on 5310 -
Attica wrote:Excellent stuff.
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/a-child's-guide-to-modern-britain-201003172568
All your own work?
Not at all, saw it somewhere else, it amused me so I thought I'd sharePurveyor of sonic doom
Very Hairy Roadie - FCN 4
Fixed Pista- FCN 5
Beared Bromptonite - FCN 140 -
Clever Pun wrote:Attica wrote:Excellent stuff.
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/a-child's-guide-to-modern-britain-201003172568
All your own work?
Not at all, saw it somewhere else, it amused me so I thought I'd share
Sorry, overly harsh of me.
They are good, thanks for sharing."Impressive break"
"Thanks...
...I can taste blood"0 -
Can I be a dissenter and say that I don't like the Daily Fail tone of the OP?
Sorry, but there it is
It's just a hill. Get over it.0