A real cycling vs marriage dilemma

Mendip rouleur

I am due to go to the Pyrenees on Monday to cycle the Raid Pyrenean. I have been planning, preparing and training for this for 14 months. Although I am not a brilliant cyclist, I am as good as I have ever been at the moment.

Sadly my father in law has just passed away and the funeral is next week. My wife has said to me, "you decide what to do".

My question to fellow cyclists is "what would you do in my position?"

pb21

You should stay.

popette

I don't know you or your wife, and the precarious nature of own marital situation might indicate that I'm not someone who you should listen to, however, FWIW, I think that the right thing is to be there for your wife - before, during, after the funeral.

The mountains will always be there. It may never be forgotten if you go away at at time like this. And if you do stay, I hope that it will also never be forgotten in a very positive way.

Just my 2p

Anonymous

Funeral.

If you know you are in shape this year, you can do it next year. If you do not do the funeral it could have the potential for massive problems later on. It is only a postponement out of respect for the loss and your Mrs, as long as that is clear and you make dates for the future then it is a bitter pill to swallow, but one which I think you will not regret.

Hope this helps, bad situation to be in.

Martincan

pb21 wrote:

You should stay.

+1

arthur_scrimshaw

Condolences to you and your Wife.

It's a tough call as only you know your wife and all the other factors in this, however as you asked I would stay with my wife. My father in law died unexpectedly last Summer on the first day of our two week holiday in the West Country, we loaded up the car and all drove home. It was a c*appy two weeks but I felt it was the right thing to do.

These things also have a habit of festering and coming up later.

richardvaltos

There's absolutely no doubt that you should stay. Of course the damage may already be done, in that you've even considered going. Just my opinion of course, based on my own relationship. Only you know your wife to make the right call. Perhaps the fact you're asking means in your heart of hearts you already know you should postpone the trip?

chrishd883

It's disapointing to train for 14 months and to have the opportunity taken away from you.

But the fact that you've asked the question, tells me that you already know what you have to do......

It has already been said above, but the mountains will always be there!!

Splottboy

Stay home, do the marriage thing.
There will be another Raid.

Father in Law died suddenly, had to drive 7 hrs from Essex to N.Wales with 2 toddlers.

Think the Mrs will appreciate the support, even though you'll feel a bit useless at the time.

Mrs supported me/my Dad in return when my Mam died very suddenly.

Ginjafro

Quote, "you decide what to do". When your wife says that - I would take that as code for, "if you go there will be consequences!". As much as you have prepared for the Pyrenees and to miss that is understandably hugely dissapointing, to go not feeling 100% right with any doubts and gulit will not make it worth it - in my opnion for what its worth.

jim453

So the day of the funeral comes around. Your wife is a very central figure and all the great and the good of the family are present. They are all asking your wife on this terribly distressing day where you are. She has to keep replying 'He's gone on a cycling holiday'.

You're really asking what we would do?

It's a no brainer. For goodness sake don't go and ride this event.

Keep the condition and hit it twice as hard next year. And don't let your wife find out you've asked such a question on this forum.

Bit of an irritation for you compared with a world of support for your wife.

Bobbinogs

Two weeks ago my FIL died and I cannot even begin to think how my wife would have coped on her own. To be honest, it has been bloody hard for me too. So, definitely, you should stay.

My condolences to your family at this difficult time.

Splottboy

pyranees will be there next week, next year etc your wife needs your support now!

splott boys wife

Anonymous

I bet if you went you wouldn't enjoy it.

They'd be a niggling doubt about if you'd done the right thing or not.

crumbschief

Ohh how could she ask such a thing at this time in your training,If only she understood cycling,ahem.

C'est la vie,look at next year and plan for that.

Mendip rouleur

Thank you for helping me it's at times like these that I realise two things. 1. How great other cyclists are, and 2. What is really important is people, I'm going to the funeral. I feel slightly S*** for even considering doing otherwise, but you know what, I wasn't thinking straight, and when I told her I could her the relief in her voice.

Next year I'll be even better.

tebbit

You've made the right decision.

Best of luck for next year

crumbschief

Don't feel bad,a love for something can be very strong and distracting from life around you,take care fella.

Mothyman

...well done mate..
best wishes for the week ahead....

markos1963

My dad died last year from cancer. My wife didn't come to the funeral, she was more worried about not being off work. I can't forgive her for it and it has driven a rift into our marriage. I know she didn't get on with him but I needed her there for me. It was bad enough for me to look after mum and her grief, I needed her to help with mine. So for the sake of your marriage be a husband and go to the funeral.

MJackson

You've absolutely made the right choice.

Sometimes you can't see the correct thing to do from the inside which seems so obvious to an outsider.

andyxm

Just another note of support for your decision, my mother-in-law died a few weeks ago, a couple of days after the funeral I was supposed to be doing a 400km Audax to help me pre-qualify for PBP next year. I thought about what to do, and eventually stayed, I now know in retrospect that it was absolutely the right decision, I might not be able to qualify for PBP next year now, but I was there for my wife when she needed me, and there will be other events in the future.

Frank the tank

Condolence to you and your family.

You've made the right choice, a "no brainer" in the coldness of light unless their had been other issues.

I didn't speak to my dad for the last ten years of his life. Due to the manner of his death I was never able to say goodbye. The point I'm making is Mrs Tank refused to attend his funeral as she wasn't prepared to be an hypocrit and my family accepted her absence, as I did.

These things are never straight forward and (no disrespect/offence intended) to ask advice from a bunch of people who only share with you the common bond of cycling with you,but, have no idea of your domestic situation is on one level strange, but on another totally understandable.

Just to reiterate you've made the right desision to be there for your wife and condolence's again. Hope everything goes as well as funerals can.

Bugly

:shock: you ask that question - man to even ask it should tell you that you are a self centred immature person. In reality I think the act of asking indicates that your relationship has issues.

White Line

You have to even ask? What's wrong with you!

The Pyrenees will still be there tomorrow.

BasilBrushTheFirst

popette wrote:

I don't know you or your wife, and the precarious nature of own marital situation might indicate that I'm not someone who you should listen to, however, FWIW, I think that the right thing is to be there for your wife - before, during, after the funeral.

The mountains will always be there. It may never be forgotten if you go away at at time like this. And if you do stay, I hope that it will also never be forgotten in a very positive way.

Just my 2p

I agree with Popette and most of the others. Lets face it, some of us cycle because our marriage is in trouble (me included) but I would always try and support the other half in circumstances such as these. Do the decent thing, and book something else another week.

andy162

There will be plenty more Funerals to go to. Get yourself of the France.


....seriously tho, the correct decision has been made. Stand by your wife. She needs you more than the mountains do. By the sounds of things you've grafted hard this year to get fit? Keep the momentum going over winter, use what you've gained as groundwork for next years ride.

mrushton

Sensible decision. Even if you didn't get on with him you take the diplomatic option and support your wife otherwise you will NEVER be allowed to forget it and cycle outings may be vetoed. Always take the strategic view.If you have insurance get the money back and go next year.

HebdenBiker

markos1963 wrote:

My dad died last year from cancer. My wife didn't come to the funeral, she was more worried about not being off work. I can't forgive her for it and it has driven a rift into our marriage.

I'm not surprised you can't forgive her.

I think you need to get this out into the open with her. In a "I was very upset that you didn't come to my dad's funeral and I can't stop being angry with you" way. Her reaction will indicate the way your marriage will probably go. If she says, "Look, I know and I'm really sorry" then that's a result and you should let the matter go and move on. If she says "Oh I wish you'd stop going on about it" or "I've told you I had to work!" or whatever, then you have a decision to make.

If she reacts badly to you bringing it up then it is unlikely to be a surprise to you. She will probably have been self-centred and unsupportive about other things too. She was probably like that before you married her. But you still married her. And she will probably behave like this again.



To the OPer, I can't believe you've used an internet forum to decide between going on holiday or being there for your grieving wife. But at least you've made the right decision now. My condolences to you both.

batch78

My condolences, I believe you've made the correct decision.

vitesse169

+1 for staying and going to the funeral.