Funniest jokes of this year's Edinburgh Fringe
Le Commentateur
Posts: 4,099
The top 10 Edinburgh Fringe festival funnies were judged to be:
1) Tim Vine:
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson:
"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips:
"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall:
"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney:
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop:
"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham:
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8 ) Gary Delaney:
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White:
"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10) Gareth Richards:
"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202
1) Tim Vine:
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson:
"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips:
"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall:
"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney:
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop:
"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham:
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8 ) Gary Delaney:
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White:
"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10) Gareth Richards:
"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202
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Heh heh...
Some good 'uns there.0 -
Well at least they all have a future career in writing jokes for the inside of christmas crackers.0
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I haven't heard of Emo Philips for years. Love the guy's off-the-wall lateral thinking:
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day. "A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject - Churchill0 -
I quite liked the one voted last year's worst:
"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
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That was voted last year's best!0
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Thems shit jokes. But then again thems shit comics. Bo Burnham? Feck me that retard appeals to 15 year old middle class wanks. And tim vine has done much classier. The edinburgh fest is for wanks from london to assume an artistic stance.
comedy is dead ...long live max keiser
I always liked steve wrights
"Its a small world....but I wouldnt want to paint it"The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the 'other side'.0 -
My FAVOURITE, FAVOURITE VERY CLEVER joke, not really mine, but my favourite...
And I've heard/told 1,000's :-
A fat kid goes for a job interview, The interviewer asks him about his hobbies.
" Oh, I see it say's here that you like music. Were you in the school band?"
The fat kid replies, "Yes, I was."
The interviewer says, "Really? What was your favourite musical instrument in school?"
Fat kid replies, "The dinner bell..."0 -
Le Commentateur wrote:The top 10 Edinburgh Fringe festival funnies were judged to be:
1) Tim Vine:
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson:
"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips:
"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall:
"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney:
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop:
"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham:
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8 ) Gary Delaney:
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White:
"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10) Gareth Richards:
"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202
Don't understand number 10.... what am I missing?Visit Ireland - all of it! Cycle in Dublin and know fear!!
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What's the best cheese to hide a small horse?
Mascarpone.0 -
garrynolan wrote:
Don't understand number 10.... what am I missing?
Not sure if this is a wahhh or not but i'll bite......
Lot's of pubs are now trying to be cool by using wooden spoons with numbers written on them to mark tables for food orders, as opposed to simply having the tables numbered. Joke being that if you sit at a table with a wooden spoon with the number 4 written on it (or any number) then you might get served the food that was ment for number 4 as the waiter/waitress assumes its for you.0 -
Gotcha - don't do that here so no wonder it wasn't funny to me.Visit Ireland - all of it! Cycle in Dublin and know fear!!0
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Here's one I thought of today.
Q...Where's the best place to see a Moose?
A...In a Moose Seeum, ( Museum...get it? )0 -
Ollieda wrote:garrynolan wrote:
Don't understand number 10.... what am I missing?
Not sure if this is a wahhh or not but i'll bite......
Lot's of pubs are now trying to be cool by using wooden spoons with numbers written on them to mark tables for food orders, as opposed to simply having the tables numbered. Joke being that if you sit at a table with a wooden spoon with the number 4 written on it (or any number) then you might get served the food that was ment for number 4 as the waiter/waitress assumes its for you.
I must be thick cos I still don't understand!!! :oops:'Collapse the Light into Earth'0 -
you can make your own dinner with a wooden spoon or steal someone else's in the pub with that same wooden spoon :roll:FCN = 40
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i see the light 'Collapse the Light into Earth'0
