Forum home Road cycling forum The bottom bracket

Funniest jokes of this year's Edinburgh Fringe

Le CommentateurLe Commentateur Posts: 4,174
edited August 2010 in The bottom bracket
The top 10 Edinburgh Fringe festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Tim Vine:
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson:
"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips:
"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall:
"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney:
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop:
"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham:
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8 ) Gary Delaney:
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White:
"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards:
"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

Posts

  • rick_chaseyrick_chasey Posts: 53,295 Lives Here
    Been making the once in a lifetime joke for years.


    Shame no-one laughs whenever I make it.
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 79,692
    Heh heh...

    Some good 'uns there.
  • afx237viafx237vi Posts: 12,630
    Well at least they all have a future career in writing jokes for the inside of christmas crackers.
  • 2 groaningest: 2 and 3
    2 grinningest: 7 and 8
  • CrapaudCrapaud Posts: 2,666
    I haven't heard of Emo Philips for years. Love the guy's off-the-wall lateral thinking:

    "I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

    "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

    "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

    "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day. "
    A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject - Churchill
  • LazyBoycpLazyBoycp Posts: 320
    I quite liked the one voted last year's worst:

    "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

    :)
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 79,692
    That was voted last year's best!
  • Thems censored jokes. But then again thems censored comics. Bo Burnham? censored me that retard appeals to 15 year old middle class wanks. And tim vine has done much classier. The edinburgh fest is for wanks from london to assume an artistic stance.

    comedy is dead ...long live max keiser

    I always liked steve wrights

    "Its a small world....but I wouldnt want to paint it"
    The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
    momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 79,692
    Why did the chicken commit suicide?

    To get to the 'other side'.
  • LazyBoycpLazyBoycp Posts: 320
    napoleond wrote:
    That was voted last year's best!

    :oops: Oops, you're right! That explains why it was actually funny. :)
  • SplottboySplottboy Posts: 4,208
    My FAVOURITE, FAVOURITE VERY CLEVER joke, not really mine, but my favourite...
    And I've heard/told 1,000's :-

    A fat kid goes for a job interview, The interviewer asks him about his hobbies.
    " Oh, I see it say's here that you like music. Were you in the school band?"
    The fat kid replies, "Yes, I was."
    The interviewer says, "Really? What was your favourite musical instrument in school?"
    Fat kid replies, "The dinner bell..."
  • garrynolangarrynolan Posts: 625
    The top 10 Edinburgh Fringe festival funnies were judged to be:

    1) Tim Vine:
    "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

    2) David Gibson:
    "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

    3) Emo Philips:
    "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

    4) Jack Whitehall:
    "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

    5) Gary Delaney:
    "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

    6) John Bishop:
    "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

    7) Bo Burnham:
    "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

    8 ) Gary Delaney:
    "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

    9) Robert White:
    "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

    10) Gareth Richards:
    "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"


    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202


    Don't understand number 10.... what am I missing?
    Visit Ireland - all of it! Cycle in Dublin and know fear!!
    exercise.png
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 79,692
    What's the best cheese to hide a small horse?


    Mascarpone.
  • OlliedaOllieda Posts: 1,010
    garrynolan wrote:

    Don't understand number 10.... what am I missing?

    Not sure if this is a wahhh or not but i'll bite......

    Lot's of pubs are now trying to be cool by using wooden spoons with numbers written on them to mark tables for food orders, as opposed to simply having the tables numbered. Joke being that if you sit at a table with a wooden spoon with the number 4 written on it (or any number) then you might get served the food that was ment for number 4 as the waiter/waitress assumes its for you.
  • garrynolangarrynolan Posts: 625
    Gotcha - don't do that here so no wonder it wasn't funny to me.
    Visit Ireland - all of it! Cycle in Dublin and know fear!!
    exercise.png
  • SplottboySplottboy Posts: 4,208
    Here's one I thought of today.

    Q...Where's the best place to see a Moose?

    A...In a Moose Seeum, ( Museum...get it? )
  • grandad3grandad3 Posts: 322
    Ollieda wrote:
    garrynolan wrote:

    Don't understand number 10.... what am I missing?

    Not sure if this is a wahhh or not but i'll bite......

    Lot's of pubs are now trying to be cool by using wooden spoons with numbers written on them to mark tables for food orders, as opposed to simply having the tables numbered. Joke being that if you sit at a table with a wooden spoon with the number 4 written on it (or any number) then you might get served the food that was ment for number 4 as the waiter/waitress assumes its for you.

    I must be thick cos I still don't understand!!! :oops:
    'Collapse the Light into Earth'
  • mtb-idlemtb-idle Posts: 2,177
    you can make your own dinner with a wooden spoon or steal someone else's in the pub with that same wooden spoon :roll:
    FCN = 4
  • grandad3grandad3 Posts: 322
    :D i see the light :D
    'Collapse the Light into Earth'
Sign In or Register to comment.