I have done a new about me page, your thoughts pls

gb155

Hey All

I am currently writing the about me page on my blog and would REALLY appreciate some honest feedback on it.

http://theamazing39stonecyclist.wordpress.com/about/

Its pretty long winded and only about half done, its intended to be

a heart warming, tear jerking, inspiring account of how I have gone from a no hoper, dead man walking, to someone who cycles up to 30 miles a day.
Is it hitting those notes or do I need a rewrite ? If we are all agreed that its what it needs to be then I will crack on with the second half.

Thank you very much in advance !

Gaz

cjcp

Your blog, Gaz; do what you want.

P.S. I like it.

EDIT: There's the small matter of the, er, Chargers top. Might want to switch to something more respectable. Like the Raiders.

davis

First, I'm really genuinely impressed with your achievements and your dedication. I don't know if I could achieve what you have.

Second, are you looking for comments on the writing? Grammar, etc?

Third, you might want some easy indicator of progress, such as:

2008-01: 254 Kg
2008-04: 216 Kg
2008-10: 197 Kg

(I've converted to Kg because it's easier -- for me, at least -- to scan down the columns a view your progress in a single simply formatted unit).

Fourth, the abbreviation "lbs" reads like "Local Bike Shop", at least with my cycling head on.


Your story is a good one.

desweller

It's really good, well-written, I like it! Reads well!

Although, why's your face blue in that finish line photo?

DiabloJoe

I enjoy reading your blog and ive mentioned it a few times to my dad and some guys at work who are on the big side, to give them some inspiration and its worked. So your doing a good job, keep it up.

gb155

cjcp wrote:

Your blog, Gaz; do what you want.

P.S. I like it.

EDIT: There's the small matter of the, er, Chargers top. Might want to switch to something more respectable. Like the Raiders.

I know mate, but I just wanted to make sure its not too "waffling" and if it is then people wont read it

Raiders ? CJ I used to like you !!!!!

gb155

davis wrote:

First, I'm really genuinely impressed with your achievements and your dedication. I don't know if I could achieve what you have.

Second, are you looking for comments on the writing? Grammar, etc?

Third, you might want some easy indicator of progress, such as:

2008-01: 254 Kg
2008-04: 216 Kg
2008-10: 197 Kg

(I've converted to Kg because it's easier -- for me, at least -- to scan down the columns a view your progress in a single simply formatted unit).

Fourth, the abbreviation "lbs" reads like "Local Bike Shop", at least with my cycling head on.


Your story is a good one.

Thanks for that/

Im looking on comments as to weather you would , if you stumbled upon it, as an obese person, or someone with a few extra KG's would sit down and read it all, I know its a long write up, I suppose I am just hoping its not TOO long.

I will look at adding n some more weights and try and set them out so they are better to read too.

Your comment about Local Bike Shop is a good one and one that I never even thought of, thanks.


Thanks again and thanks for your comments

gb155

DesWeller wrote:

It's really good, well-written, I like it! Reads well!

Although, why's your face blue in that finish line photo?

Thanks very much, so you dont think, for just half of the story its too long then ?

Crap camera !

gb155

DiabloJoe wrote:

I enjoy reading your blog and ive mentioned it a few times to my dad and some guys at work who are on the big side, to give them some inspiration and its worked. So your doing a good job, keep it up.

Excellent, Thanks Joe

desweller

gb155 wrote:

DesWeller wrote:

It's really good, well-written, I like it! Reads well!

Although, why's your face blue in that finish line photo?

Thanks very much, so you dont think, for just half of the story its too long then ?

Crap camera !

No, it had me wanting to read more, although that might be because I'm already aware of your achievements. I hadn't realised that you'd crashed the hybrid on the ice - I take it that's the bike that you were desperate to get rid of, I remember there was a lot of negativity about that bike!

gb155

DesWeller wrote:

gb155 wrote:

DesWeller wrote:

It's really good, well-written, I like it! Reads well!

Although, why's your face blue in that finish line photo?

Thanks very much, so you dont think, for just half of the story its too long then ?

Crap camera !

No, it had me wanting to read more, although that might be because I'm already aware of your achievements. I hadn't realised that you'd crashed the hybrid on the ice - I take it that's the bike that you were desperate to get rid of, I remember there was a lot of negativity about that bike!

Excellent I have (for now) finished it and added from Febuary to now.

Yup thats the bike, to be fair, it was a good bike, bloody cheap as well, but that accident REALLY REALLY messed me up and every time I looked at that bike it was just a reminder, a lady who called 999 who was behind me at the time said my head was inches away from being hit by a car in the second lane, scary stuff !!!!!

Kieran_Burns

Gaz - good story. Good read and well structured.

One thing I would like to see is a weight loss graph and timeline. this kind of representation makes things more real for me and it would show the (ahem) ups and downs....

lost_in_thought

Hey Gaz

For me it's too long and too continuous - maybe break up the flow with paragraph headings, you could give them dates and weights, so for example

time to put my road bike away and get on my Hybrid, the snow and ice was a challenge but something I had cycled in the last winter, only last time I was on a MTB, nothing could go wrong, I was too focused and on the ball…Until…

January 2010, 200kg - the accident
It was the first week in January 2010, I had gained a few lbs due to being off over xmas and relaxing a little, nothing major, it was xmas after all, I had it under control. I was on the last day of the week, the snow and ice were hard going

Obviously I don't know how much you weighed then! But do you see what I mean? Maybe it's because I'm a bit too MTV generation...

Also, d'you want me to proofread it for you when you've got a final version?

Definitely agree with a timeline/graph, you could even do a silhouette drawing to show your diminishing size!

Trying to think what else they do in those 'fat families' shows...

Ooooh yeah, some indication of how your diet's changed - I've seen a lot about your cycling, but nothing about your diet, so some kind of indication of what you typically ate when you were gaining weight and what you're eating to lose it.

shouldbeinbed

I like the more chatty personal style over facts and figure myself, I imagine this being the story you'd tell to group of friends and you wouldn't be pulling out a flipchart there.

I suppose thought as a blog to be inspirational to others (which you are), they may need to see the transformation in manageable increments.

It could be broken down into time blocks, maybe a couple of months or a season at a time.

A bit of blog/prose about you and your life (the crash and its aftermath etc) along with a facts section along the lines of a photo of yourself during that period, start and finish weight for it, a representative sample daily diet and the calories consumed, the miles you've ridden, any notable rides or weight milestones you hit.

Agent57

cjcp wrote:

EDIT: There's the small matter of the, er, Chargers top. Might want to switch to something more respectable. Like the Raiders.

It's all about the Bucs! Best team in the NFL! (For very small values of "best".)

deptfordmarmoset

Apart from your amazing self-shrinkery there's another theme that you could perhaps develop.

The fact that we know your story is because you put yourself publicly on the line and (very skilfully) used this forum for support. I think this might be an important part of the process which you've gone through. I would like to hear more about how much committing yourself to a public challenge has helped you. (I'm not saying the people who have supported you on this forum deserve credit for what you've achieved under your own steam but they seem to have played a part - because you brought them into the process.)

Agent57

Overall, I think it does the job, Gaz. But maybe deptfordmarmoset has a point; getting other people involved and making a public statement can help keep you on track. Without it, it's all too easy to slip back into old ways, and even when things are going well the support and encouragement of others is welcome.

That's not to say you wouldn't have made it without the blog or Bikeradar forum, but if your aim is to help others make the same journey (and I'm sure it is), it'd be worth mentioning that while they have to do it themselves, they don't have to do it alone.

Kieran_Burns

Agent57 wrote:

cjcp wrote:

EDIT: There's the small matter of the, er, Chargers top. Might want to switch to something more respectable. Like the Raiders.

It's all about the Bucs! Best team in the NFL! (For very small values of "best".)

I'm a Jags fan.... I tend to keep quiet about this :oops:

Agent57

Kieran_Burns wrote:

I'm a Jags fan.... I tend to keep quiet about this :oops:

Hehe, I should keep quiet about the Bucs, frankly! Just about the worst team in the NFL last season. Still, at least I got to see them play in the flesh. Shame they got hammered by the Patriots.

Got my tickets to 49ers vs Broncos this year. \o/

gb155

Thanks everyone, you all make great points (Apart from the Bucs and Jags ) Gonna update with suggesions and then polish up, its all about paying it forward, if I can help save just one other person !!!!!!! The more I help the better of course !

Thanks Very Much Again

Gaz

PBo

Agent57 wrote:

Kieran_Burns wrote:

I'm a Jags fan.... I tend to keep quiet about this :oops:

Hehe, I should keep quiet about the Bucs, frankly! Just about the worst team in the NFL last season. Still, at least I got to see them play in the flesh. Shame they got hammered by the Patriots.

Got my tickets to 49ers vs Broncos this year. \o/

I'll see your bucs and jags, and go all in with my Lions.........

I win!

Agent57

PBo wrote:

I'll see your bucs and jags, and go all in with my Lions.........

I win!

Hehe, OK. W2-L14 is worse than the Bucs W3-L13.

Any Rams fans in the house? I think they'd take the pot with W1-L15 last season.

a340driver

Good work mate keep it up. You've obviously got a lot of drive, how did you end up in such a state?

Aguila

Gaz I always enjoy reading your blog/posts. As a hospital chest consultant many of the new referals I get to my clinic are suspected sleep apnoea cases, like you used to be. we always talk about weight loss and people usually tell me it's not possible to lose the weight (my glands/I eat very little etc etc)

I have started directing people to read your blog for inspiration and last week a lady came back to see me who has lost a substantial amount of weight having been inspired by your story.

So.. the website needs a little polishing in terms of content and a few typos but looks great. It should prove to be a great tool for me in the clinic too!!

jonnyboy77

I just read the 'about me' page ... very interesting, and I would hope it might inspite others too. I dropped ~1 stone in the first month of commuting, its settled now but I find myself feeling 100% better for it.

I would be interested to know what else you did aside from cycling though, I'm assuming you made some other adjustments?

Keep up the good work!

Jon

gb155

a340driver wrote:

Good work mate keep it up. You've obviously got a lot of drive, how did you end up in such a state?

Thats one of only a few qustions that I cant answer !

gb155

Aguila wrote:

Gaz I always enjoy reading your blog/posts. As a hospital chest consultant many of the new referals I get to my clinic are suspected sleep apnoea cases, like you used to be. we always talk about weight loss and people usually tell me it's not possible to lose the weight (my glands/I eat very little etc etc)

I have started directing people to read your blog for inspiration and last week a lady came back to see me who has lost a substantial amount of weight having been inspired by your story.

So.. the website needs a little polishing in terms of content and a few typos but looks great. It should prove to be a great tool for me in the clinic too!!

WOW<> , Thank you very much, I have deiced I want to work with morbidly obese people and show them that no matter what there is always light, I have contacted Dr Haslam and the NOF however as of yet I am not getting anywhere, so to hear you story really gives me hope, lets just hope that before too long I will be able to help people who are like I was , in a professional capacity , day in day out !

a340driver

gb155 wrote:

a340driver wrote:

Good work mate keep it up. You've obviously got a lot of drive, how did you end up in such a state?

Thats one of only a few qustions that I cant answer !

Either way it's all very inspirational.

gb155

a340driver wrote:

gb155 wrote:

a340driver wrote:

Good work mate keep it up. You've obviously got a lot of drive, how did you end up in such a state?

Thats one of only a few qustions that I cant answer !

Either way it's all very inspirational.

Cheers Man