Friday joke.
Aggieboy
Posts: 3,996
A man walks up to a woman and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman storms off to the bosses office and complains about sexual harassment. Puzzled, her boss says, "What's wrong with a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?" "He's a midget!", she replies.
"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."
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Comments
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that is brilliant
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What goes..."Looney, Looney, here Looney" ?
Ji Sun Park running into the 18 yard box at Old Trafford!0 -
there's a new cream for hemorrhoids apparently
it's called fire in the holeCoveryourcar.co.uk RT Tester
north west of england.0 -
I used to play my guitar & sing to the kids at the nursery. But they sacked me, apparently 'the muslims on the bus go bang bang bang' isn't an acceptable verse!
My wife just told me that in 9 months I will have a little surprise!..............................Oooooh, I can't wait for Santa to come now...I hope it's an Xbox
What do you call an Irishman who steals your pint?................................Nick McGuinness
My Thai bride says I have a big cock. Sorry, I forgot my punctuation. My Thai bride says, "I have a big cock".
During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted".
Well, its taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true.
I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller"..........I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible".
And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it
Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.......................................It's called the iRon
Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.
Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.
Just for good measure, I kicked his labrador too.
My wife bought some jeggings. I said, "What are they then?".
She said, "They're a cross between jeans and leggings". I said, "Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt"
Mickey mouse and Minnie mouse are in court. Mickey wants to divorce Minnie.
The judge says to Mickey "You can not divorce Minnie on the grounds that she has got protruding teeth"
Mickey says "I didn't say she had protruding teeth, i said she was fu**ing goofy"
Next time your having a bad day, imagine this - You're a Siamese twin and joined at the hip. You're brother is gay but you're not. His lover is coming over and you've only got one ars*.
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Tarquin the teacher's pet, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Tarquin," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
What has Veronica Peroncell's chin got in common with a champions league goal post?
John Terry has whacked balls against both of them
A Welsh guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
I found a great chat up line that enables me to bed any woman i fancy, no matter how gorgeous or out of my league they are, it works every time......." excuse me love, could i ask your opinion , does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
A couple at a marriage counselling meeting are asked by the counsellor if they have anything in common? after a long and awkward silence the husband replies "well neither of us sucks c**k"
Discussing the recession wife says to husband " if you cycled to work we could get rid of the second car" husband replies " if you enjoyed anal sex and gave me a blow job, we could get rid of the nanny"
How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers and if you've got a d**k it isn't your turn.
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your washing.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit".
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said
"He choked on my socks".
a little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".
The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".
The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".
Why is the bible like a penis?.............................You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?...................Christopher Walken!
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if Anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord. Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler ?...................................................Hitler tried to finish the race
A ned and a junkie are in a car, who's driving?...........................The Cop!!!!
I was at a cash machine the other day,and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.
Jokes about the Holocaust/Second World War/Nazi's etc. really disgust me, My grandfather died in the Holocaust.................................................................................. It was really awful. He fell off his guard tower.
Why do men fart more than women?...........................Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?..............................Everyone has the same DNA.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?................................Mace will do that to you.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?.......................Why should we fix it? We never use it!
Why do they call it Pre-Menstrual Tension? ............................Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
A baby seal walks into a club..............................................!0 -
Greek public debt."I hold it true, what'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost;
Than never to have loved at all."
Alfred Tennyson0 -
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Dazaa ...thank you for making me laugh.
With the cr@p life I have at the moment, that was the first time I can recall actually laughing in a hellova long time.
Cheers
The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle. ...Stapp’s Ironical Paradox Law
FCN3
http://img87.yfrog.com/img87/336/mycubeb.jpg
http://lonelymiddlesomethingguy.blogspot.com/0 -
CHRISNOIR wrote:Not so much of a joke but has the subject matter of an article ever fitted so neatly with the authors name thanthis?
OK - I must be missing something here. When I use the link I get a story at timesonline about the Vienna Boys Choir. What am I supposed to be looking for? Ta.Visit Ireland - all of it! Cycle in Dublin and know fear!!
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Where the neon madmen climb0
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pedylan wrote:
Roger that! Visit Ireland - all of it! Cycle in Dublin and know fear!!0 -
Dazza2280 wrote:I used to play my guitar & sing to the kids at the nursery. But they sacked me, apparently 'the muslims on the bus go bang bang bang' isn't an acceptable verse!
My wife just told me that in 9 months I will have a little surprise!..............................Oooooh, I can't wait for Santa to come now...I hope it's an Xbox
What do you call an Irishman who steals your pint?................................Nick McGuinness
My Thai bride says I have a big fool. Sorry, I forgot my punctuation. My Thai bride says, "I have a big fool".
During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted".
Well, its taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true.
I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller"..........I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible".
And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it
Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.......................................It's called the iRon
Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.
Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shoot out of him.
Just for good measure, I kicked his labrador too.
My wife bought some jeggings. I said, "What are they then?".
She said, "They're a cross between jeans and leggings". I said, "Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt"
Mickey mouse and Minnie mouse are in court. Mickey wants to divorce Minnie.
The judge says to Mickey "You can not divorce Minnie on the grounds that she has got protruding teeth"
Mickey says "I didn't say she had protruding teeth, i said she was fu**ing goofy"
Next time your having a bad day, imagine this - You're a Siamese twin and joined at the hip. You're brother is gay but you're not. His lover is coming over and you've only got one ars*.
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Tarquin the teacher's pet, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Tarquin," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
What has Veronica Peroncell's chin got in common with a champions league goal post?
John Terry has whacked balls against both of them
A Welsh guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
I found a great chat up line that enables me to bed any woman i fancy, no matter how gorgeous or out of my league they are, it works every time......." excuse me love, could i ask your opinion , does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
A couple at a marriage counselling meeting are asked by the counsellor if they have anything in common? after a long and awkward silence the husband replies "well neither of us sucks c**k"
Discussing the recession wife says to husband " if you cycled to work we could get rid of the second car" husband replies " if you enjoyed anal sex and gave me a blow job, we could get rid of the nanny"
How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers and if you've got a d**k it isn't your turn.
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your washing.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit".
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said
"He choked on my socks".
a little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".
The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".
The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".
Why is the bible like a penis?.............................You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?...................Christopher Walken!
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if Anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord. Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler ?...................................................Hitler tried to finish the race
A ned and a junkie are in a car, who's driving?...........................The Cop!!!!
I was at a cash machine the other day,and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.
Jokes about the Holocaust/Second World War/Nazi's etc. really disgust me, My grandfather died in the Holocaust.................................................................................. It was really awful. He fell off his guard tower.
Why do men fart more than women?...........................Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?..............................Everyone has the same DNA.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?................................Mace will do that to you.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?.......................Why should we fix it? We never use it!
Why do they call it Pre-Menstrual Tension? ............................Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
A baby seal walks into a club..............................................!
Do you have a ruffled shirt, bow tie and sideburns like lamb chops ?
Hilarious, :roll:0 -
Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez goes to Iraq on a tip off about a new goal scoring sensation, a fantastic 19 year old. He sees the boy play and is so impressed he signs the boy immediately and takes him back to Liverpool. The first game is against old rivals Man Utd at home and things are not going well. Man Utd are 4-0 up with 20 minutes still to play. So Rafael Benitez sends on the young 19 year old and tells him to make a name for himself. The youngster duly obligies and scores 5 goals and Liverpool win. the crowd go wild, Benitez praises his new star and everybody is talking about the new Boy. The press want to talk to the newly found star but first the youngster wants to call his Mother.
The youngster calls his Mum and tells Her that we were 4-0 down with 20 Minutes to go, Rafael Benitez sent me on and I scored 5 goals and we won the game. The crowd love me, Rafael loves me and the press want to talk to me and take photos of me.
The Mother said, ''well let me tell you about our day''. Firstly your Father got shot dead, then me and your Sister were ambushed, beaten and gang raped while walking to the shops. Your Brother has joined a gang and sombody threw a petrol bomb through the front window.
The young man says ''well i am really sorry Mum'''and the Mother says ''its all your fault'' the young Man says ''how do you work that out..
The Mother says "'well its your fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place Ademort ademort
Chinarello, record and Mavic Cosmic Sl
Gazelle Vuelta , veloce
Giant Defy 4
Mirage Columbus SL
Batavus Ventura0
