Friday Jokes

Anonymous

Ok, Friday afternoon, heres a joke.

Young bloke gets sent to jail for 6 months. by mistake he is put in a cell with a big, fat, tattooed, Hairy smelly biker who is in for life.
The Biker takes a look at the young lad and says "right, we're gonna play mummies and daddies, who d'you wanna be ?"
The young lad, trying to make the best of a terrible situation says " Ok, em, I'll de the daddy"

So the biker replies,

"Rightm get over here and suck mummys C ock "

You must have better jiokes than this.

wiffachip

was in the queue in ASDA earlier and the woman behind me started helping herself to some stuff out of out trolley

I said to the missus ' you've got to watch your peas in queues'

also so a bloke in there with his c0ck in a toilet roll, fkn charmin

Anonymous

A French cat (called Un deux trois cat) and an English cat (called one two three cat) decided to have a race to swim across the english channel.

one two three cat made it across fine but un deux trois cat sank.

Aggieboy

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it? 'The doctor asked.'

Actually, yes, I do.

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No... I rather like it.

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if That's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from.'

crumbschief

A body was found in the back of an ice cream van today,it was covered in hundreds and thousands,cherries,mixed nuts and a flake.

The police think he topped himself.

Frank the tank

Bloke goes into A&E with two black eyes a broken nose and shattered cheek bones.

What happened to you? asked the Dr.

You won't believe this. There was a knock at the door and when I answered it there stood this 6'6" tall cockroach. Before I had a chance to ask what it wanted BANG it slaps the nut on me, face all over the place. Can you believe that?

Oh yes, replies the Dr. I've heard there was a nasty bug going around.

redvee

A blonde is having problems with her PC s ophones the tech support team and the geek on the end of the line asks her for her password and she replies 'dopeymickeydonaldgoofyminniesneezysnowwhitecinderella'. The tech guys asks why she has such a long password and she replies 'It said to create a password of seven characters or more'

AyrshireBacon

Two monkeys are sharing a bath.

The first goes "Oooh! Oooh Eeeh! Eeeh! Aaah! Aaah!"

The second goes "Hang on a minute, I'll put some cold in."

Anonymous

AyrshireBacon wrote:

Two monkeys are sharing a bath.

The first goes "Oooh! Oooh Eeeh! Eeeh! Aaah! Aaah!"

The second goes "Hang on a minute, I'll put some cold in."

That was posted in last weeks thread...

AyrshireBacon

NapoleonD wrote:

That was posted in last weeks thread...

B****r! Never saw it. Still funny though...

ellsbells1973

Dear sir, your application to join our matchmaking service has been rejected. you failed to answer question 14 correctly. 'what do like best in a woman?' 'my dick was not an acceptable answer'

shouldbeinbed

A man takes his dog to the vets complaining that the pooch keeps tripping over andbumping into things.

The vet pick him up looks straight in his eyes and says

your dog is cross eyed, I'm going to have to put him down

the man is distraught and says you can't put him down just because he's cross eyed.

the vet says I'm not, I'm going to put him down because he's heavy

mocev

Woman is involved in horrific car accident and is undergoing surgery.
Several hours later, surgeon leaves operating theatre and speaks to panicking husband..
"Mr. Jones, we've finished operating, and I have good news and bad news... Which would you like first?"
"Start with the bad news please..."
"Well... there were complications. We've had to amputate all four of your wife's limbs. You'll have to feed her, bathe her, dress her and take her to the toilet everyday for the rest of her life. She'll be totally dependent on you."
"Oh my God!" cries the husband. "What's the good news??"
"I'm only kidding. She's dead."


*cough* ...... sorry..... :?

BobGeldart

A doctor was doing his rounds in a hospital when he overhears a conversation between two African nurses.
One says, "It's spelled 'whoooom'."
The other says, "No, I'm sure it's spelled 'whooouuum'."
They carry on like this for a bit, then the doctor goes over to them and says, "I'll settle this for you, it's spelled 'womb'."
One of the nurses replies, "Look, I doubt you've ever seen a hippo, let alone heard one farting underwater'.

Tonymufc

Lad says yo his dad " I've got a part in the school play, playing a man who's been married for 23years" Dad says "never mind, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part"

Aggieboy

NapoleonD wrote:

AyrshireBacon wrote:

Two monkeys are sharing a bath.

The first goes "Oooh! Oooh Eeeh! Eeeh! Aaah! Aaah!"

The second goes "Hang on a minute, I'll put some cold in."

That was posted in last weeks thread...

Monkeys like to bathe weekly.

garrynolan

Old MacDonald had Tourettes..
E...I...E..I... F$%k, C^&t, spit :oops:

garrynolan

Tampax have a new seasonal product... replacing the string with a length of tinsel. But only for the Christmas period!

spen666

I'd like to apologise for the late arrival of the following jokes, this was caused by the wrong type of email

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seals?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.


That’s the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards


Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree ... he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver


I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.


Tiger's wife went for him after he scored a birdie.


What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident? The police found the driver in the trunk.


What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.


What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

STEFANOS4784

I don't know why there's no jokes sticky. Always forget my best ones, apart from ones which are not suitable for public viewing, i recieved one by phone its text followed by a puicture. It mentiobns christmas turkey iof anyones seen it? Hilariously wrong :oops:

Splottboy

Dr. "Do you have trouble passing water?"
Del Boy, "Well I had a funny turn once walking over Tower Bridge."

---

Tommy Cooper: "I helped the Mrs clean the attic. Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs.
But at least she's good to the children."

---

A guy gets a job in a zoo. First day, he leaves a cage door open by mistake.
He runs round the zoo in panic, asking visitors if they've seen the animals.
He shouts to one guy, "Have you seen a few king penguins?"
The guy shouts back, "Yeah, just being eaten by a few-king big lion."

---

crumbschief

My Aunty Marge has been ill for so long that i am changing her name to I can't believe she's not better

stigofthedump

Two nuns in the bath.
Nun 1 "where's the soap"
Nun 2 "Yes it does doesn't it"

Aggieboy

STEFANOS4784 wrote:

I don't know why there's no jokes sticky. Always forget my best ones, apart from ones which are not suitable for public viewing, i recieved one by phone its text followed by a puicture. It mentiobns christmas turkey iof anyones seen it? Hilariously wrong :oops:

Got that last week. You wouldn't want to stuff it, would you!!? :shock:

Aggieboy

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say Congratulations!!!

But none of them rub your DICK and say Well Done!!!

thejesusandsedischain

i was out on the bike today when a RAC van comes flying past me, the driver looked very upset and was in floods of tears.i thought to myself that man is heading for a breakdown.

garrynolan

Two oul wans sitting on a park bench. Streaker runs by. One had a stroke... the other one couldn't reach.

Matt the Tester

ellsbells1973 wrote:

Dear sir, your application to join our matchmaking service has been rejected. you failed to answer question 14 correctly. 'what do like best in a woman?' 'my dick was not an acceptable answer'

lol classic

Matt the Tester

A nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Susie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

jc4lab

Arnold Swarzeneggar in PC World..when asked he wants a computer with windows 7....No ..Hasta a Vista Baby..

Matt the Tester

Weight Loss
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing
but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up
for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The
next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:

"If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's
definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four
days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he
weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as
promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the
door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man
standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around
his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."