Essex girl jokes please.

Anonymous
Anonymous Posts: 79,667
edited November 2009 in The bottom bracket
Not usually wanting to be offensive or insensitive but the blokes where I work have started a lot of banter about me being a Scot and defecting to England and working in Essex. I am looking for verbal ammunition so any Essex girl joke would be appreciated to annoy them with. Thanks Muchly. :wink:
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Comments

  • finchy
    finchy Posts: 6,686
    dmclite wrote:
    Not usually wanting to be offensive or insensitive but the blokes where I work have started a lot of banter about me being a Scot and defecting to England and working in Essex. I am looking for verbal ammunition so any Essex girl joke would be appreciated to annoy them with. Thanks Muchly. :wink:

    What's the difference between an Essex girl and a jumbo jet?

    A jumbo jet only has 1 cockpit.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Posts: 79,667
    johnfinch wrote:
    dmclite wrote:
    Not usually wanting to be offensive or insensitive but the blokes where I work have started a lot of banter about me being a Scot and defecting to England and working in Essex. I am looking for verbal ammunition so any Essex girl joke would be appreciated to annoy them with. Thanks Muchly. :wink:

    What's the difference between an Essex girl and a jumbo jet?

    A jumbo jet only has 1 cockpit.

    Famx mate, starter for 1. :D:D:D:D
  • Matt the Tester
    Matt the Tester Posts: 1,261
    google is your friend :) no that isn't a essex joke lol.

    sure there is a joke in there somewhere..
    Coveryourcar.co.uk RT Tester
    north west of england.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Posts: 79,667
    steady rider wrote:
    google is your friend :) no that isn't a essex joke lol.

    sure there is a joke in there somewhere..

    Aww, Googling them would not be as much fun. I am relying on the collective insanity found on here. :wink:
  • skyd0g
    skyd0g Posts: 2,540
    Q. What does an Essex girl use for 'protection'?
    A. A bus shelter.
    Cycling weakly
  • Matt the Tester
    Matt the Tester Posts: 1,261
    lol thats a goodun! ya you got a point lite ;)
    Coveryourcar.co.uk RT Tester
    north west of england.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Posts: 79,667
    steady rider wrote:
    lol thats a goodun! ya you got a point lite ;)

    That song is pants. :twisted:
  • Matt the Tester
    Matt the Tester Posts: 1,261
    lol =p i think it's brill! where do you live? if it's local im going too burn you when im out and if i see you =p
    Coveryourcar.co.uk RT Tester
    north west of england.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Posts: 79,667
    What does an essex girl do with her ar5ehole before having sex?

    Drops him off at the pub...


    How does an essex girl turn the light off before sex?

    Shuts the car door.
  • Aggieboy
    Aggieboy Posts: 3,996
    How do you know when an Essex girl comes?

    She drops her chips.
    "There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."
  • jellybellywmb
    jellybellywmb Posts: 1,379
    What does an Essex girl say after sex

    "Do you all really play for the same football team?
    "BEER" Proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy
  • skyd0g
    skyd0g Posts: 2,540
    Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl's been using the computer ?

    A: There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.
    Cycling weakly
  • Smokin Joe
    Smokin Joe Posts: 2,706
    What is an Essex girl's favourite wine?
    "I wanna go lakeside".

    Essex girl is hit by a car and lies dazed in the road. Passers by rush to help, and a man thinks he had better check for concussion.

    "Now listen carefully dear, how many fingers have I got up?"

    The Essex girl screams, "Oh my God no, I'm paralysed from the waist down"!
  • Matt the Tester
    Matt the Tester Posts: 1,261
    Essex girl is hit by a car and lies dazed in the road. Passers by rush to help, and a man thinks he had better check for concussion.

    "Now listen carefully dear, how many fingers have I got up?"

    The Essex girl screams, "Oh my God no, I'm paralysed from the waist down"
    god this is so funny!
    Coveryourcar.co.uk RT Tester
    north west of england.
  • 1footedninja
    1footedninja Posts: 269
    Whats the most confusing day in Essex?
    Fathers day

    What do you call an Essex girl with two brain cells?
    Pregnant

    How do you know an Essex girl is about to reach Climax?
    She spits out her chewing gum
    'since the flaming telly's been taken away, we don't even know if the Queen of Englands gone off with the dustman'.
    Lizzie Birdsworth, Episode 64, Prisoner Cell Block H.
  • Matt the Tester
    Matt the Tester Posts: 1,261
    she might choke on it instead :P
    Coveryourcar.co.uk RT Tester
    north west of england.
  • stevewj
    stevewj Posts: 227
    Essex girl goes to garage asking for a new 710. Mechanic hasn't a clue what she is on about. 'You know, a 710 - its plastic, it's round, its in the engine and it's got 710 on it. It was there last time I looked, now it's gone'.
    'Draw me a picture ' says the mechanic, so she does.
    Mechanic turns it upside down - 'you mean OIL'.
  • Roscobob
    Roscobob Posts: 344
    Jeremy Kyle visits a single mother of 10 in Essex. She shouts at her son Joe in the back garden and then immediately follows up by calling her daughter Jo.

    Jeremy asks why they have the same name.

    "All my kids are called Joe. It makes it so much easier. When their dinner's ready I just shout 'Joe, your dinners ready' and they all come running.

    "What if you want to speak to them individually?", Jeremy asks.

    "I shout their surnames"
  • Roscobob
    Roscobob Posts: 344
    Not sure if this only works in Scotland and Ireland.......anyway...........

    A girl calls her father on the phone to tell him that her waters have broken.

    "Where are you ringing from?", asks the father.

    "From my waist to my ankles.", replies the girl.
  • The Chingford Skinhead
    The Chingford Skinhead Posts: 718
    Essex Girl to boyfriend "OK let's play hide-and-seek. If you find me I'll blow you and then you can do me however you want. Now coount to 100 - and if you can't find me I'm in the barn!"
    Pain is only weakness leaving the body
  • skyd0g
    skyd0g Posts: 2,540
    Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a plate of choc-chip cookies?

    A. 7
    ...one to mix the dough and the other six to peel the Smarties.
    Cycling weakly
  • tebbit
    tebbit Posts: 604
    What have an Essex Girl and a jumbo jet got in common?

    Black box
  • Alinshearah
    Alinshearah Posts: 339
    What's the difference between a washing machine and an Essex's girl?

    Nothing, they both leak when they're f*cked
  • APIII
    APIII Posts: 2,010
    Very loud, unattractive, hard-faced essex woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
    The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children
    you've got there. Are they twins?"

    The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they
    bloody aren't you w****r! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one,
    she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you
    really think they look alike, you f*****g d*ckhead?"

    "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
    would sh*g you twice!"
  • bobtbuilder
    bobtbuilder Posts: 1,537
    A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the scale hit in the early hours of Monday.

    Epicentre: Basildon, Essex.

    Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "faaackin ell" ...

    The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

    Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

    Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

    Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

    Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

    One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Millie-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

    Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

    The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

    HOW CAN YOU HELP?
    This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

    Fila or Burberry baseball caps
    Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
    Shell suits (female)
    White sport socks
    Rockport boots
    Any other items usually sold in Primark.
    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

    Microwave meals
    Tins of baked beans
    Ice cream
    Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
    22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

    £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9

    £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

    **Breaking news**
    Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret

    - 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked

    - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"
  • hopper1
    hopper1 Posts: 4,389
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the scale hit in the early hours of Monday.......
    - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

    I knew that was going to be poor... :wink:
    Bob, I should slap you for making me read all of that! :wink:
    Start with a budget, finish with a mortgage!
  • STEFANOS4784
    STEFANOS4784 Posts: 4,109
    hopper1 wrote:
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the scale hit in the early hours of Monday.......
    - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

    I knew that was going to be poor... :wink:
    Bob, I should slap you for making me read all of that! :wink:


    +1, if i wasn't at work i'd feel robbed :wink:
    winter beast: http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff016.jpg
    Summer beast; http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff015.jpg
  • Stewie Griffin
    Stewie Griffin Posts: 4,330
    Whats the difference between an Essex boy and an Essex girl? The girl has a higher sperm count.

    Boy to Essex girl, fancy coq au vin later? Essex girl, only if you put a matress in the back first.

    ba dum, tchhhh :oops:
  • pst88
    pst88 Posts: 621
    - Why do Essex girls wear knickers?
    - To keep their ankles warm!!
    Bianchi Via Nirone Veloce/Centaur 2010
  • LorneC
    LorneC Posts: 149
    How can you tell an Essex Girl's Boyfriend???


    He's the one with the belt buckle matching the imprint in her forehead :-)
    Already signed up for the following 2010 rides:

    Etape Caledonia (May 16th)
    AMR's Trossachs Ton (June 20th)
    AMR's Cross-Border Sportive (Sept 19th)

    http://www.twitter.com/LorneCallaghan

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