Funny conversations

pottssteve

A while back I was in a bakery shop in Whaley Bridge, some of you may know it, just at the bottom of Old Rd, I think it is.

Anyway, I wandered in towards closing time (after lunch) and surveyed the huge list of sandwich combinations available on the blackboard. Noticing a scarcity of any sandwiches in the display cabinet, the conversation went like this:

Me;" What sandwiches have you got left, please?"

Rural Shop Assistant: "What would you like?"

Me:"I'll have a prawn salad, please?"

RSA:" Oh, we haven't got any prawns left, we've sold out. We can make you something else up, though, anything."

Me:"Oh, how about beef then?"

At this point she half turns and yells through the curtained doorway, exactly like the Little Britain sketch.

RSA (loudly):" Have we got any beef left?".

Voice from behind curtain:"No".

RSA:"Sorry, we've got no beef left...."

Me:"OK, so what can you do for me?"

RSA:"Anything..........."


I had 2 meat and potato pies.....

robmanic1

Is this a cheese shop?

pottssteve

Rob,
It does a bit of everything. It used to be 2 shops, a bakery on one side and a deli/cheese typr place on the other side, I think. It has been knocked through and now does all sorts of things to get by, I think. It's a couple of doors down from the butchers and opposite a place that used to do hardware/ironmongers, I think. Mind you, I'm going back a while now....

EDIT: I've just read this post back - I should do less thinking, I think.

Anonymous

When selling my first flat, and asking the woman estate agent what the 5% fee covered in selling the property was , it went like this...
Me; what does the 5% fee get us?

Estate agent; well, everything...

Me; what is everything?

Estate agent; mm, everything..

Me; Ok, I have never sold a property before, have no idea what "everything" is, can you please elaborate?

Estate agent; well, everything really...

This went on for 10 minutes, gave up and went elsewhere. :?

robmanic1

Not a big "Python"fan then Steve?

pottssteve

Rob,
No, I prefer Spam to pythons any day...


When an estate agent says, "everything", they mean "nothing". They get 5% for doing eff all really. It's like legalised mugging...

Crapaud

Robmanic1 wrote:

Is this a cheese shop?

International Cheese Emporiium

Stewie Griffin

5 mins ago I handed 2 Invoices to our accounts dept. "Tell them they will be paid on Thursday or Friday next Week." But they need to be paid by the 28th (which is Tuesday) at the latest I replied. Yes, Monday or Tuesday next week, thats what I just said :?

Is this a cheese shop?
No!
Well thats this sketch knackered then eh?
Laziest tribute ever, from the Young Ones.

BigDarbs

Last Sunday I was out on a long ride and stopped at a petrol station in Cleobury Mortimer, Shropshire to get something to eat.

I was in my full cycling kit, clomping about with look cleats, lycra shorts, team top, Oakley M frames and helmet on. I bought a snickers and a bottle of water. As I got to the front of the queue to pay the cashier said "Any fuel?"

I think she needs to vary her job a little, it must be the only thing she says all day!

Le Commentateur

Called in at Sainsburys on the way home from a ride.

Elderly cashier working at the checkout: "That's a nice colour!"

Me: "Er.. yes, it's a jersey from the Tour of Italy bike race. They have different colours for the various competitions; this one is the overall winner's jersey."

Cashier: "Oooh, fancy that. Well done, dear!"

pottssteve

BigDarbs wrote:

Last Sunday I was out on a long ride and stopped at a petrol station in Cleobury Mortimer, Shropshire to get something to eat.

I was in my full cycling kit, clomping about with look cleats, lycra shorts, team top, Oakley M frames and helmet on. I bought a snickers and a bottle of water. As I got to the front of the queue to pay the cashier said "Any fuel?"

I think she needs to vary her job a little, it must be the only thing she says all day!

Darbs,
Maybe she meant a Ginsters?

Le Commentateur,
That's awesome! He/she's obviously been on a course... My question is, did it make you feel bad that you were wearing a jersey you hadn't actually won, or good that she mistook you for Alberto Contador/Denis Menchov....?

Elderly people are great! I love them (except Chinese men who yell all the f*ckin' time and bore the arse off you). I was waiting at a bus stop once, on the way to university, and these 2 elderly ladies were muttering behind me. As the bus pulled up one of them reached up and tapped me on the shoulder (she was about 4 foot 6 tall) and said, "You have lovely hair, young man". I mean, what can you do....?


















We dated for a while but she didn't want to make a commitment, and the smell of Deep Heat put me off a bit.....

Frank the tank

Sometimes I can't help myself.

I was in the local butchers with Mrs Tank, who was making a purchase at the end of the counter, and I was salivating over the rathe delightful cuts of meat through the glass counter.

I said to the lady (late 50's)

"I those pork loins look nice and that steak looks gorgeous.I love meat, I could never be a vegetarian".

"yes I like a nice piece of silverside" she says.

"Have you got a sheeps head? I asked

"No" she replied.

"Oh, it must be the way you've had your hair done".

Mrs Tank "I can't believe you've just said that".

Shop lady "niether can I, but it's made me laugh".

pottssteve

Frank the tank wrote:

Sometimes I can't help myself.

I was in the local butchers with Mrs Tank, who was making a purchase at the end of the counter, and I was salivating over the rathe delightful cuts of meat through the glass counter.

I said to the lady (late 50's)

"I those pork loins look nice and that steak looks gorgeous.I love meat, I could never be a vegetarian".

"yes I like a nice piece of silverside" she says.

"Have you got a sheeps head? I asked

"No" she replied.

"Oh, it must be the way you've had your hair done".

Mrs Tank "I can't believe you've just said that".

Shop lady "niether can I, but it's made me laugh".

Frank,

HAHAHAHA - I like it.

The version I heard was that you bought a sheep's head and left the eyes in so it would see you through the week...... :roll:

jos2thehua

Haha, That really sucks. I think that's happened at a ice cream parlor one time for me. They claimed to have over 48 flavors. Too bad in reality it was more like 8...

Crapaud

Frank the tank wrote:

Sometimes I can't help myself.

I was in the local butchers with Mrs Tank, who was making a purchase at the end of the counter, and I was salivating over the rathe delightful cuts of meat through the glass counter.

I said to the lady (late 50's)

"I those pork loins look nice and that steak looks gorgeous.I love meat, I could never be a vegetarian".

"yes I like a nice piece of silverside" she says.

"Have you got a sheeps head? I asked

"No" she replied.

"Oh, it must be the way you've had your hair done".

Mrs Tank "I can't believe you've just said that".

Shop lady "niether can I, but it's made me laugh".

Another version:

Me, "Have you got pigs feet?"

Butcher, "Yes, I have."

Me, "I'll have a pound of mince then, porkie!"
____________________________

I was in a shop with a mate and his girlfriend (now wife). Mate's girlfriend was looking at stuff - shoes, probably - so I'm left shuffling about on my own and an assistant approaches:

Assistant, "Can I help you?"

Me, "Why? Are you a psychiatrist?

pottssteve

Or......

Me (To French waiter): "Do you have frog's legs?"

Waiter: "Oui, Monsieur"

Me:"Well hop over there and get me a cheese sandwich"......



Bob :roll:

Barkiesnake

I was in a bistro in Calais once when the waiter asked what i wanted

I said i'd like the crab, toasted

at which he raised my glass of vino, looked at my girlfriend and said

Your health Madame.

I fell off my chair laughing :oops: and said girlfriend didn't speak to me for the rest of the trip.

I have since married someone else

robmanic1

barkiesnake - had me shooting water out my nose that one!

Anonymous

I told the woman at the cashpoint that i was doing the shopping 'cos my wife had gone to prison and she leaned toward me to tell me " I was always wary of her..,."

She's not really in prison. Honest. :P

Station

Many years ago in Manchester ...

Walking along Wilmslow Road away from the city centre, just in Rusholm I was approached by a large guy in full highland dress which struck me as odd.

"S'cuse me", he says, "is there anywhere I can get a curry round here ?"

My mind audibily boggled.

CHRISNOIR

Not a full conversation but a few months ago I came into the office to find a (young, female) co-worker saying "I took one look at the size of his hands and thought 'Yer not going up my ar*e with them...'" ‘Woah’, thought I. ‘Sexytime, the ladies are talking filth!’

Turns out she was talking about a doctor who was going to examine her following a bout of post-natal piles. Non-sexy time…

thebikeliker

Overheard:

"She got married twenty years ago and I haven't seen her since. In fact, I don't think I'd recognise her if she passed me in the street."

So, how does she know that she ....

Oh, never mind.

thedaffodilfish

Crapaud wrote:

I was in a shop with a mate and his girlfriend (now wife).

Your wife or his wife? Are you still friends?

Crapaud

thedaffodilfish wrote:

Crapaud wrote:

I was in a shop with a mate and his girlfriend (now wife).

Your wife or his wife? Are you still friends?

His wife. I didn't fancy her. They moved to France and we lost contact. I believe that they are now in Saudi Arabia.

I'm still available, for any of the forum ladies who fancy a short, baldy bloke with hairy legs (and buns of steel). 8)

toshmund

Was on the treadmill alongside the girlfriend. The gym overlooks the Derbyshire County Cricket ground. Late afternoon/early evening - innings still in progress. She seemed a bit quiet, possibly puzzled

Me; You OK?

Her; Yeah, how many players is there in a Cricket team?

Me; 11, why?

Her; There does not look to be 22 people out there though...

She had a habit of trying to make me fall off the back of the treadmill in amazement. Like the time when the "Goddess of the gym" came up the stairs, which always led to loud screeches as the males watched her instead of their footing, feet straying off the belt etc

"Oh she was in the showers the other day...she is shaven into the shape of a heart down in the whatchamacallit area!?!?!" Too much information...