Bike shop employee/owner stories

biondino
biondino Posts: 5,990
edited July 2009 in Commuting chat
This is the thread from the other side of the shop floor - the poor underpaid schmucks, struggling to run a business, having to deal with us all full of "knowledge" but not willing to spend anything unless it's on the internet. Tell stories here! Or cut and paste them, which is what I'm doing, as I think this is funny.
Date: 2009-05-27, 4:05PM PDT

Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru.

So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let's keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs "Why are there so many people here?"

Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:

- I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down here.

- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet
of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your shit out.

-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you fucking squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure.

- No, I don't know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much".

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike.

- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.

- I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering fucking thing anywhere near me.

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS:

-If you shitheads had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.

- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's shit. It was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still shit, even with more air in the tires.

SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.

-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows fuck all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.

- You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.

ABOUT YOUR KIDS:

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike.

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are FUCKING AWESOME.

Comments

  • Cafewanda
    Cafewanda Posts: 2,788
    "So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good"

    Ace :lol::lol:
  • gabriel959
    gabriel959 Posts: 4,227
    That is really good and I am guilty of the trying to describe problems by phone!!! :) Really good :D
    x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
    Commuting / Winter rides - Jamis Renegade Expert
    Pootling / Offroad - All-City Macho Man Disc
    Fast rides Cannondale SuperSix Ultegra
  • rolf_f
    rolf_f Posts: 16,015
    Cafewanda wrote:
    " Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good"

    Ace :lol::lol:

    Except it doesn't really work with 'fast' as well as 'light' - a fast and cheap bike? If it is fast it is going to have to be light whatever the price and comfort. Clearly this chap comes from Bikehut USA :lol:
    Faster than a tent.......
  • soy_sauce
    soy_sauce Posts: 987
    Rolf F wrote:
    Cafewanda wrote:
    " Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good"

    Ace :lol::lol:

    Except it doesn't really work with 'fast' as well as 'light' - a fast and cheap bike? If it is fast it is going to have to be light whatever the price and comfort. Clearly this chap comes from Bikehut USA :lol:

    fast doesn't mean it have to be light. e.g. a Hybird is faster than a MTB with the same weight.
    "It is not impossible, its just improbable"

    Specialized Rockhopper Pro Disc 08
  • rolf_f
    rolf_f Posts: 16,015
    soy_sauce wrote:
    fast doesn't mean it have to be light. e.g. a Hybird is faster than a MTB with the same weight.

    Trying not to get OT; there is a presumption that you are comparing like for like. The point is that if you have a cheap and comfortable bike, it won't be fast. If you have a cheap and fast bike, it won't be comfortable. If you have a comfortable and fast bike, it won't be cheap. Works with those three, doesn't work with the four.

    Anyway, whatever happened with 'the customer is always right - even when he/she is clearly wrong!'?
    Faster than a tent.......
  • justresting
    justresting Posts: 292
    I think someone famous? is quoted as saying " Strong, light and cheap, pick any two."
    ' From the sharks in the penthouse,
    to the rats in the basement,
    its not that far '
  • Greg T
    Greg T Posts: 3,266
    Fast Cheap Good

    Applied to application development.

    You can have any two combinations - the one you omit is inverted.
    Fixed gear for wet weather / hairy roadie for posing in the sun.

    What would Thora Hurd do?
  • il_principe
    il_principe Posts: 9,155
    I think someone famous? is quoted as saying " Strong, light and cheap, pick any two."

    Keith Bontrager.

    True 'nuff :lol:
  • jrduquemin
    jrduquemin Posts: 791
    I've never seen a fast bike before, they're only fast if someone rides it fast, correct?

    Nitpicking aside, that was very funny :-D
    2010 Lynskey R230
    2013 Yeti SB66