Proposed Changes to the Highway Code

spen666

Exciting news from the Stationery Office. (You remember — it used to be called Her Majesty's Stationery Office when the Queen went through that extended phase of putting her name on everything. Not sure why she did that; possibly so she could prove what was hers if she and Philip ever split up.)

According to my sources, the SO has decided that since road conditions in London are like nowhere else, unless you include whatever that city was in Blade Runner, we should have our very own Highway Code formalising some of the prevailing practices.

The Standard is delighted to be able to give you a sneak preview of some of the highlights.

For cars and vans, the use of indicators is finally to be completely abandoned and all signals will instead be made with a couple of flashes of the hazard warning lights.

This will cover all intended meanings from “I'm going to go in one direction or another at some point within the next three junctions” to “Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on — check out this handbrake turn”. It will be the responsibility of the terrified cyclist behind to divine the intention.

On realising that they are about to enter the congestion charge zone, it will be legal for drivers to slam on the brakes and reverse across three lanes back onto the roundabout they just exited.

For purposes of clarification, there will be a new signal by which bus drivers may indicate to puzzled, would-be passengers that even though the vehicle is stationary at the bus-stop, “regulations” preclude them from re-opening the doors now that they've closed them.

After consultation it has been decided that this signal will be the driver staring blankly ahead and pretending not to hear the repeated hammering on the doors.

In addition, yellow boxes at junctions will be downgraded from their current status of indicating an area which must remain clear to a new designation as jaunty, pointless road decorations.

For cyclists, it will become compulsory to wear a reflective jerkin bearing the legend “I'm better than you”.

It is hoped that this will help other members of the public to understand why they feel they can ignore Section 72 of the Highways Act of 1835 and Section 36 of the Road Traffic Act of 1988 which make it illegal for them to ride on pavements and pedal through traffic lights respectively.

Pedestrians, meanwhile, will undoubtedly benefit from a clarification of where they have right of way.

As under the general Highway Code, this will be at marked pelican and zebra crossings but the London version will confirm that pedestrians have been right in their apparently long-held suspicion that when drunk on a Friday night they may wander out onto the road at will so long as, instead of looking where they're going, they're trying to fit as much of a kebab into their mouth as physically possible.

I don't know why those weren't in the Highway Code in the first place.