Cow Economics
iainf72
Posts: 15,784
Stolen from Popbitch today. It did make me LOL.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
Fckin' Quintana … that creep can roll, man.
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Comments
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Wow - it's 2001 all over again!
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you forgot:
AN IRISH CORPORATION
you have two cows thats turn out to be magical unicorns
you sell the unicorns to start up your own tarmacadam business.0 -
And the rural Anglesey one:
You have 200 cows,
You try moving them around the county and having them inspected by three different Ministry inspectors so that you can claim subsidy for 600 cows.
You get caught, and get a fine so heavy you have to sell your farm.
That happened to someone my grandad knew.
Epic fail!0 -
IRISH GOVERNMENT
You have two cows.
The government decides that the ordinary person only needs one cow in their lifetime, so if you have two it is for commercial reasons so you become subject to a cow ownership tax, payable annually, as well as any other tax they can think of.
Minister passes legislation that the First cow is tax free, second cow is hit with a 6% cow tax, rising to 9% on all subsequent cows. Unless you're under 25, speak Gaelic, have lived on the farm all your life and are married to a rock star.
You then sell one cow to avoid the tax and get hit with some other tax on profits from the sale, in the end you would have been better off with two cows and paying the tax.
This still leaves you with one cow, that still provides more milk than you need, which you decide to sell. To do so, you need the appropriate food safety certificates etc in place, which cost as much as 10 cows (ex tax), or the profits from 5 years sale of the milk.
You give up on this and decide to flush it down the sewer and find you need a waste management licence and environmental impact statement, possibly tertiary treatment of the cow juice. All this you can't afford, as you just lost your day job as a builders labourer (seeing as dairy farming doesn't pay).
In the end you give up and decide to just leave the cow there in a field, but the minister for agriculture finds that your paperwork isn't up to date so calls in the army that shoots your cow in the field.
In the end you have no cows, produce nothing, and have to spend a lot of money to get the milk that you once used to get for free, that now comes from France, and you still find you're paying the cowtax as the government hasn't got around to updating your records yet.'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that caught the cycling craze....0 -
brilliant,Chuckcork you wouldnt be a retired farmer would you? 0 -
CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You milk them. Then, because supply outstrips demand, you have to sell it at a loss. You're in debt. You shoot yourself.
Unless, of course, you own a massive agri-business, in which case you get millions in EU subsidies and can drive smaller competitors out.0 -
nipon wrote: brilliant,Chuckcork you wouldnt be a retired farmer would you?
No, I'm an Architect and its a parody of things Irish like excessive stamp duty on houses, the tendency towards begrudgery in government policies, the paradoxical requirements of EU legislation that can make doing anything productive more expensive than the results of the being productive, and so on.
[Also, moving back to London in a week and leaving a house empty as it is cheaper under government tax policy to do that than it is to rent it]'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that caught the cycling craze....0 -
I'd like to add (and then quickly get me coat after);
A NEW TOWNS COMMISSION (not thinking of any New Towns in particular, honest guv ):
You have two cows.
Both appear to be made from reinforced concrete.
David"It is not enough merely to win; others must lose." - Gore Vidal0 -
THE ARTIST
You have one cow.
You kill it, immerse in some embalming/solidification solution, cut in half when solid, immerse in a tank of urine, and then sell to Saatchi for millions.
The art world thinks you're a show off but wishes it had thought of it first.
You go in pickle various other animals and make even more money and show that being rich is not a guarantee you'll have taste.'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that caught the cycling craze....0 -
i could see this being true but you forgot to mention the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, lepricorns, unicorns and all the other magical stuff that comes with being irish. it must feature somewhere.chuckcork wrote:IRISH GOVERNMENT
You have two cows.
The government decides that the ordinary person only needs one cow in their lifetime, so if you have two it is for commercial reasons so you become subject to a cow ownership tax, payable annually, as well as any other tax they can think of.
Minister passes legislation that the First cow is tax free, second cow is hit with a 6% cow tax, rising to 9% on all subsequent cows. Unless you're under 25, speak Gaelic, have lived on the farm all your life and are married to a rock star.
You then sell one cow to avoid the tax and get hit with some other tax on profits from the sale, in the end you would have been better off with two cows and paying the tax.
This still leaves you with one cow, that still provides more milk than you need, which you decide to sell. To do so, you need the appropriate food safety certificates etc in place, which cost as much as 10 cows (ex tax), or the profits from 5 years sale of the milk.
You give up on this and decide to flush it down the sewer and find you need a waste management licence and environmental impact statement, possibly tertiary treatment of the cow juice. All this you can't afford, as you just lost your day job as a builders labourer (seeing as dairy farming doesn't pay).
In the end you give up and decide to just leave the cow there in a field, but the minister for agriculture finds that your paperwork isn't up to date so calls in the army that shoots your cow in the field.
In the end you have no cows, produce nothing, and have to spend a lot of money to get the milk that you once used to get for free, that now comes from France, and you still find you're paying the cowtax as the government hasn't got around to updating your records yet.0 -
rapid_uphill wrote:i could see this being true but you forgot to mention the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, lepricorns, unicorns and all the other magical stuff that comes with being irish. it must feature somewhere.
I'm not Irish....'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that caught the cycling craze....0 -
obviously0
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What really happened according to the media and political parties::
Two cows fart in a pre-recorded episode of Country File, but are overheard by a retired listener from Tunbridge Wells. In the media furore, John Craven is forced to apologise for such a terribly offensive thing to occur on a farming programme whilst his production company continues to be paid for the programmes they were contracted to produce.
The Daily Mail claims that the cows are being paid £7 million a year each and should be sacked by the BBC, and all license fees should be refunded in the meantime. The Express claims that Princess Diana told the Tapas 7 that she thought cows would fart on a farm one day and it's all a plot by MI5 and Phil the Greek, who has been spotted in Morocco. The Sun publishes a topless picture of Debbie from Stoke who loves creamy udders and asks you to log onto the Sun website for more pictures. The Llanelli Reporter reminds readers to be careful if they are stood behind farm animals for any reason.
Gordon Brown says the BBC should do the right thing and prevent cows from farting on air. In the meantime, cow farting is a global issue and there will be a public enquiry into the failure of the local council to take responsibility for cow farting
David Cameron says that under a conservative government, cows may be prevented from farting, but may be allowed to fart under a general tradeable offset which will be paid for by (then he mumbles and becomes indistinct).
Nick Clegg says the prevention of cow farts will be paid for by a 15p increase in tax.0 -
hahah nice one NickcukFCN 8 mainly
FCN 4 sometimes0
