Friday funnies

Clever Pun

but with a german twist

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.


A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her
terribly low self-esteem.


What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.


Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.


How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.


Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange
men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise
her drug habit.'


Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
_________________

ContrelaMontre

Very good

The cows in the field has to be the best one!

donnylad

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a
holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded
to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is
lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen
rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She
replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out
of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial
rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would
you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't
take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the
woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide
his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to
talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer
questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet,
a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This
woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for?" She stares into his eyes .

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..........." he swallows
excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....









Frigging hell don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?

McBain_v1

Little Johnny is playing in the garden, with his dad watching out for him. A butterfly keeps flitting around Johnny's head, aggravating him so he grabs a handy badminton racquet and swats it!
"Oh dear Johnny" says his dad "That's no more butter for you for a fortnight!"

Not bothered, little Johnny carries on playing but is soon bothered by a honey bee buzzing around his head. Seizing the same badminton racquet he soon succeeds in swatting the bee.
"Oh dear Johnny" says his dad "That's no more honey for you for a fortnight!"

Just then, Johnny's mam steps out into the backgarden, inadvertently squishing a cockroach that had been scuttling across the patio. Little Jonny sees this, turns to his dad and says...
"Do you want to tell her or should I?"

:?

shockedsoshocked

A man walks into a bar, orders himself a drink and sits down. Theres a man sat next to him with a head like an orange. So his drink arrives, he sits there sipping it, glancing at this man, until he asks him "sorry mate, i don't mean to be rude, but why have you got a head like an orange?"
"Oh, it's a funny story" he replies, "you see, i found this magic lamp. I rubbed it, and a genie came out. Told me I had three wishes. So, I wished to be obscenely rich. Went to an ATM, checked my balance, and there wasn't enough room on the screen to say how much money I had. My second wish, I said I wanted to live in the play boy mansion. So I headed home, and there where my old house used to be was the Play Boy mansion, with bunny girls and everything."
The man stops and takes a drink.
"And what about your third wish then?"

....










"Oh, I wished for a head like an orange"

donnylad

..............

How to Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How to Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake Willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your Willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire Willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

stevejmo7

That's cheered me up - so true - haven't laughed like that for ages !! Only thing wrong in my case is admiring size of willy :oops:

Garry71

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.
The judge says to Minnie Mouse; "You can't divorce Mickey just because his teeth stick out."
Minnie mouse replies; "You didn't understand me. I said he was f***king Goofey!"


Garry

trailtrash

A sausage and an egg in a frying pan

The egg says 'it's hot in here innit?'

The sausage says 'f*** me! a talking egg!'

SteveR_100Milers

Never buy a retarded dwarf, it's not big and it's not clever.

PhilofCas

SteveR_100Milers wrote:

Never buy a retarded dwarf, it's not big and it's not clever.

he he he , nice 1