Joke

heavymental

I heard this on the radio yesterday. Genius.

Whats green and wears oven gloves.





A cooking apple. :? :roll:

Crapaud

Q: What's green and flies through walls?










A: Casper the friendly cooking apple.

Salsiccia

Q. What's green and smells of pork?



A. Kermit's middle finger.

A clean one:
Q. What's hot and runny?


A. A jogger.

lardarse rider

Q. Whats green and slides out of your arse?

A. I'll let you know what the doctor says :oops:

suspectdevice

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Center and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

12volt

a horse with a set of jump leads walks into a bar
the barman says to him

i can cope with the long face but dont start anything !!!!!

trailtrash

A Sausage and an Egg in a frying pan.

The egg says, 'It's hot in here isn't it?'

And the Sausage says 'F*** me! A talking egg!'

lardarse rider

suspectdevice wrote:

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Center and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You should have got your coat and be halfway home by now. You should be ashamed

DavidBelcher

suspectdevice wrote:

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Center and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

Your are Tim Vine, and I claim my £5

David

DavidBelcher

Heavymental wrote:

I heard this on the radio yesterday. Genius.

Whats green and wears oven gloves.





A cooking apple. :? :roll:

What's green and lives in a rock pool?

A crab apple.

:oops:

I'll get me coat....

David

heavymental

Did anyone else watch BBC breakfast news this morning. There was a bit of a humour theme today as one of their stories was about regional sense of humour. This prompted a few puns making it into the news but then the sports chap told a joke that he's obviously made up a couple of minutes beforehand. It was appaling. It went something like this...

A man comes home and his wife says "would you like a fried egg?".
The fella says "yes that would be nice".
The wife starts cooking it and the husband is intefering and giving her all kinds of advice on how to do it.
The wife says "what are you doing?! Just let me cook the egg!"
The man says "now you know what its like when I'm driving."

Does that even qualify as a joke!? I was cringing with embarrassment watching it.

suspectdevice

lardarse rider wrote:

suspectdevice wrote:

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Center and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You should have got your coat and be halfway home by now. You should be ashamed

Nobody said they had to be any good.

Actually, i had my coat on whilst i was posting that one...........