Friday Jokes

Mike Willcox1

I told this joke at my daughter's wedding a few weeks ago and it brought the house down. I thought you might like to share it.

I recently heard of a couplewho married after a whirlwind romance lasting only a couple of weeks.

On their honeymoon sitting by the pool at their hotel the man turned to his new bride and said “Isn’t it wonderful darling, we have the rest of our lives to find out about each other” and with that he strode on to the spring board and leapt 12 feet into the air performing a double somersault with twist and making a perfect entry into the pool. He proceeded to do three more perfect dives with pikes, somersaults and twists.

He came back to where his wife was sitting and she said “Wow that was fantastic” to which he replied “Thank you darling, you know I used to be an Olympic diver”. His bride then walked towards the pool, dived in and swam a powerful stroke for 30 lengths, and then when she came back she was hardly out of breath. Impressed he said to her “that was fantastic; did you used to be an Olympic swimmer?” “No” she said “I used to be a hooker in Venice and worked both sides of the canal”.

the ferry

better live then

on the road

Some people will laugh at anything

jibi

The owner of a golf course in Essex was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of London and I need some help."

"If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,













"Everything but my earrings."

BigWomble

Authentic Buddhist joke.

As you know, Buddhists believe that people are reincarnated, as a species depending on their behaviour in their previous life. In fact it was a Buddhist priest who told us this joke!

This man believes himself to have led a good and just life. As he lay on his deathbed, he thought back on all the good and charitable things he had done. His wish was to be reincarnated as an angel, feathers and all.

He died, and in a heartbeat was reincarnated.

A quick check - yes, he had feathers. He was an angel. Overjoyed, he exclaimed...

Quack.

:shock:

daowned

I guy walks into a pub and the bar maid says hello you look like a funny guy can you give me a joke like maybe a double entendr...
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So he jumped over the bar and gave her one.

simonhead

Thought this very old thread may have some legs.

Was on the way down from the 10th floor in the lift. Stopped at the 8th and this girl with the most amazing tits steps in. "Cat you hit 1 for me please" she says.

How am i going to explain the black eye?

PerformingMonkey

What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair?



Nothing, you just just push them both to one side and carry on eating.

pesky_jones

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?











Doctor Dre

arran77

How many Rolf Harris victims does it take to change a light bulb?










Fifty.

Three to change it now and 47 to change it in 30 years when it's more profitable.

sungod

i was going to start a friday thread, as i'm extremely miffed about some of the goings on in the abattoir

but using that many unexpurgated malcolm tucker quotes in daylight hours would probably have not ended well

pesky_jones

A duck goes into a post office and asks "have you got any bread?"

The postal worker replies "No..This is a post office". Duck leaves

Duck returns the next day and asks "have you got any bread?"

The postal worker replies "No, I told you yesterday, this is a post office, we have no bread". Duck leaves

Duck returns the next day and asks "have you got any bread?"

The postal worker, now irritant, replies "No! We havn't got any farking bread, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your farking beak to this counter". Duck leaves.

Duck returns the next day and asks "have you got any nails?"

Postal work replies "No..."

Duck - "Got any bread?"

simonhead

'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.

hypster

A man is drinking heavily in a bar and looking distraught so the barman asks him what the matter is?

"I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend" says the man.

"Blimey" says the barman "what did you do?"

"I threw her out with all her clothes" the man replied.

"And your best friend?" enquired the barman.

"I sat him down, looked him straight in the eye and said Bad Dog!!"

pinno

A man says to his wife "Wife ! It's Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, you and me and the dog are going fishing. You are going to get up at 6am and make the sarnies". wife replies "F*ck off, I am going shopping with the girls. I hate fishing".

Man says "Okay, i'll get up and make the sarnies at 6am and you, me and the dog are going fishing". Wife replies, "Get lost. I am not going fishing on Saturday, I am going shopping with the girls". Man says "Right, I will get up at 10am, make the sarnies and make you your favourite breakfast and you, me and the dog are going fishing". Wife replies "God, you are stupid. Listen to me. I AM NOT GOING FISHING, I AM GOING SHOPPING WITH THE GIRLS".
Next morning at 6am, bloke gets up and makes the sarnies and her favourite breakfast. He delivers the breakfast to her bedside and wakes her up gently. Blinking in the early morning light, her husband says "sorry about our little disagreement last night. I have made you your favourite breakfast and the sarnies and you and me are going fishing". "Oh ffs" she says "I do not want to go fishing. is there anything I can do to you to make you understand that I do not want to go fishing?" Bloke replies "Okay, you can either give me a bj or let me roger you up the bum". She says, "All right, i'll give you a bj if it shuts you up and I won't have to go fishing". 10 seconds into the bj and she is gagging and starts spitting and tries to wipe her tongue clean. She says "Christ, that tastes f*cking awful". Bloke replies "I know, the dog didn't want to come fishing either".

simonhead

I told the wife to swap her vibrator for a peice of fruit, she went fukkin bananas.

chris_bass

Why did the baker's hand smell?

















Because he kneaded a poo

Velonutter

Billy was watching TV. Next day Billy comes downstairs & asks, "Dad what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells Billy all about sex & why a woman's vagina gets wet. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So what were you watching?" Billy replies, "Wimbledon!?"

pinno

Daisy runs into the garage and asks her dad who's tinkering with the mower if she can walk the dog. Dad tells her that she can't because the dog is in season. "What's 'in season' " asks the girl, "Go and ask yer mum" replies Dad.
The little girl runs off to ask her mum and come's back rather quickly saying that mum said that she could walk the dog.
Dad thinks for a moment and then gets a rag, dips it in petrol and wipes the dog's back end with it.
"Only take the dog once around the block and come back quickly".
10 minutes later, Daisy comes back without the dog. Dad says "Where's the dog?" "Oh don't worry Dad, she run out of petrol and another dog is pushing her home".

bartimaeus

daowned wrote:

I guy walks into a pub and the bar maid says hello you look like a funny guy can you give me a joke like maybe a double entendr....
.
So he jumped over the bar and gave her one.

A roadie walks into the same bar to set up for a sound check. The bar maid asks him for a another double entendre... so he gave her one too.

Stevo_666

Alex Slamond goes to see The Queen. "Your Majesty, I am here to request that Scotland can become an independent Kingdom."
The Queen replies: "A Kingdom needs a King and unfortunately you are not a King."
"So can Scotland become a Dukedom?"
"Alas, a Dukedom needs a Duke and you are not a Duke."
"But Scotland is already a Principality, but it has no Prince?".
The Queen sips her tea and replies: "Having met you and many of your fellow Scots, I have come to the conclusion that Scotland is perfectly suited to being a country."