2012 Olympics......alternative events to appease the locals

Lighting of the cars at the opening ceremony. (Look how bright those alloy wheels burn!)

Teen-age pregnancies.

Ash-tray discus.

Garden fence hurdles.

Relay using a stolen candlestick as the baton.

drunken boxing (winner determined by who has to drink the most before they would take on rikky hatton)

new fencing event called the dagger (choose knife - first to draw blood wins)

vauxhall astra team fit into car

for inspiration search 'balls of steel' on youtube and look in particular for 'neg's urban sports'

big european stranger rodeo being a personal favourite

Naah mate yooo gottit awrl rong, intcha!.

The "Cycle Trial" even will be held down the Mile End Road

White Van Man (regulation ford Transit) and London Cabbies vs Couriers on Fixees with regulation 5KG Courier bag and 1kg lock

Under-age binge drinking.
The heats sort out who can convince the bouncers to let them into the night club.
Quarters, which 16 can down the greatest number of Blue WKDs (Women's event) or Snakebite & Black (Men's)
Semis, which 8 can vomit the furthest.
Finals, who passes out and is taken to hospital for a stomach pump. Last one standing wins gold.

Not chariots - shopping trolleys! They all have to drink 20 bottles of WKD and the most paralytic climbs in the trolley - the other two take turns to push the trolley around the course, doing change overs every lap or so. The one in the trolley attempts to stop the others by hurling empties and vomiting on the track.

1000m cycling whinge. The cyclist who complains the most about other road users whilst ignoring relevant and prevailing road traffic laws wins gold.

Bob

ps "I propose Bob Crow Archery chain every Londoners favourite trade union leader to a post with a long leash and let the bowmen loose on him" That should read short leash.

Brinks Matt Bullion Relay Race

Joy Riding down the Mall

Yacking on the most tube station floors

Bendy Bus banger racing

South End Pier Mile Race

Hooded jumper parachuting


Stolen wallet relay

Would of course need to be like some olympic events e.g. beach volleyball, which have a mandatory outfit required by all participants. I suggest hoodies, the cheaper the better.

poetry - most gratuitous use of the word f*ck and derivatives
spitting and bumblegum spitting
modern pentathlon (chav version): loudest car stereo in crappest car; fastest delivered abuse; quickest stabbing (team event); 100m purse snatch relay; chosen points category - spitting or vomiting.
dog handling, with points for setting a pit bull on someone & getting it to crap on footpaths on command
Orienteering: pedestrian attempts to move quickly across a tricky route, filled with other pedestrians, bikes, road works, security incidents, bums asking for money, charity collectors (time points gained if you can punch one out), busy roads with heavy traffic and so on. Will also have some snakes and ladders features, e.g. an option of taking the tube or train with the possibility of having a signal or points failure or wildcat strike; or cycling but where every driver is out to get you. Must complete route in fastest time.

Special police only event: shooting. first shoot someone in the head 7 times (victim will be supplied by event, China has a surplus of executions this year), challenge is to cover it up with most outrageous lies that then can't be sourced back to you.

40m javelin relay