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Joke thread VI

Sir HCSir HC Posts: 20,148
edited February 2009 in The Crudcatcher
They had better be good.


Only post jokes, not retarded comments about the jokes.
Intense Socom
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Posts

  • El CapitanoEl Capitano Posts: 13,671
    A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for an "inuendo", so he gives her one. [:D]

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  • XC XadjezXC Xadjez Posts: 5,570
    What's black and white and re(a)d all over?











    A newspaper. Ho ho. Maybe I've been reading too many Penguin wrappers...

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  • MaWdAzMaWdAz Posts: 1,528
    A horse walks into the bar. The barman asks, "Why the long face?"

    "If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize."
    -Muhammad Ali
    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by MaWdAz</i>

    yes me! I am t3h r0x0r!!!!
    <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Reply by lievens</i>

    yes, yes you are.
    <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by DavesNotHere</i>

    Not a <b>lot</b> gets past you does it <b>Ricky</b>? <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote"><center><font size="1"><b><font color="blue">Official Leader (IceMan) of t3h Top gun fan club</font id="blue"></b></font id="size1"></center>
  • .nick.nick Posts: 39
    A bear walks into a bar, he says: "Can I have a pint......................................................................................................................................................and a packet of crisps please?"

    Barman asks: "Why the pig pause (paws)?

    <hr noshade size="1"><font size="1"><center><font color="black">the artist formerly known as: ard nut</font id="black"> - <font color="black">RideStreet</font id="black"></font id="size1"></center>
  • trainee_mtbtrainee_mtb Posts: 1,387
    Man walks into a bar, ouch.

    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Nuts4fsr</i>

    I shaved my name into my then g/f's pubes once.

    <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
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  • ddoogieddoogie Posts: 4,159
    There were once two prawns. One called Hamish, the other was called Christian. One day Hamish and Christian were just pootling about in the sea when Hamish declared his hate for being a prawn

    "I hate it, Christian. All I ever do is swim around eating algae. I need something more exciting. I wish I were a Salmon."

    POP! What d'ya know. Hamish had suddenly turned into a salmon.

    "Awesome!", said Hamish. And he bid Christian a fond fairwell.

    A few months later Hamish the salmon and his salmon friend, Sandy, were swimming up stream.

    "This is a bit repetetive aint it Sandy. Is this all we do? Y'know, I wish I was a prawn again."

    POP! Magically he had turned back into his former prawn like self.

    "Righto, see ya Sandy. I don't wanna hang around with you no more."

    Swimming back to the open ocean the first life he sees is his good old friend Christian.

    "Christian, Christian. You'll never guess what! I'm a prawn-again-Christian!!!!"

    Terrible!

    <hr noshade size="1">

    <center>
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    <font color="orange">Email</font id="orange">
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    S-works Stumpjumper FSR

    I'll see you at the end.

    You'll see me on the floor.
  • duncan gunnduncan gunn Posts: 581
    An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.

    "This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."

    "I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

    The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.

    The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"


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  • chris-bchris-b Posts: 71
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke?".

    <hr noshade size="1">
    <b><font size="3"><center><font color="red">DON'T PANIC</font id="red"></center></font id="size3"></b>
    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by whyamihere</i>

    I\'m not believing anything without a flash movie.
    <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
  • 2 blondes walk into a wall......you think one of them would noticed

    what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

    pregnant





    My bike
  • Learn to speak Chinese

    Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
    See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
    Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
    Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
    Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
    I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
    I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
    It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
    Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
    That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
    I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
    This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
    You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
    I got this for free - Ai No Pei
    I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
    Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
    Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
    They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
    Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
    He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
    Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?



    My bike
  • What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?
    The burglar.

    What do you call a Chav in a box?
    Innit.

    What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
    Sorted.

    What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
    Safe.



    <font color="red">Next time i tell a censored joke, applaude me</font id="red">

    <font color="black">BIGHIT</font id="black">
    <font color="blue">me riding</font id="blue"> UPDATED
  • FlurryFlurry Posts: 698
    An employer has 2 great employees, Jack and Jill, but due to falling profits he has to fire one. He doesn't know who to choose so he decides to watch them for a day each. The next day jack comes in and does a good days work, even asking the boss if he wants coffee. The following day Jill comes in late, complains of a headache, chats on thew phone and generally does no work. The boss is shocked, this isn't normal. He Goes over to her and says "You know these last three days i have been trying to decide whether to lay you or jack off" and she replies "well you'll have to jack off, i've got a headache"

    <hr noshade size="1">stop thinking, your wasting oxygen and time
    <hr>
    [:)]
    <font>_</font><font></font>\_/\_/\_/\__,
  • CuJiBrCuJiBr Posts: 1
    Content Removed

    [Sir HC]
    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by a pissed up homers double</i>

    Fu<s></s>ck me, jusy 1 spelling mistake.
    <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
    <font size="1"> [email protected] </font id="size1">
  • hazzahulmehazzahulme Posts: 1,321
    What's black and white and red all over?

    A nun chewing razor blades...

    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by fleapitfan</i>
    I adore you.<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
    <font color="red"><font size="2"><b>When I'm riding round the world and I'm doing this and I'm signing that, and I'm trying to meet some girl, who tells me baby better come back maybe next week cause you'll see I'm on a losing streak. I can't get no...</font id="red"></font id="size2"></b>[email protected]
    hazzahulme - Official second best font-of-all-knowledge 2007.
  • SaebSaeb Posts: 1,346
    A travelling salesman is touring an area in deep rural Wales, and stays at a farmhouse for the night. After a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turns to his host and asks about renting some "companionship" for the evening.
    "Well," mulls the farmer, "I'm afraid there's not that many women around here like that. But there's always Arthur..."
    "Oh?" says the salesman, intrigued. "How much does he charge?"
    "It'll cost you œ10 comes the reply. The salesman thinks about this.
    "Seems a bit expensive," he says.
    "Well," says the farmer,"the local magistrate takes out œ4 because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing."
    "So that's œ4 for him and œ6 for Arthur?" asks the salesman. The farmer shakes his head.
    "No, the local constable also takes œ4 because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing."
    "Christ," says the salesman,"So the magistrate gets œ4, the bobby gets œ4 - that only leaves œ2 for Arthur..."
    "No - we have to pay Gareth and David to hold him down," says the farmer. "You see, Arthur doesn't approve of that sort of thing either."

    ____________________________

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    ____________________________

    If you were offended by the above post... who cares?
  • SamTmbukSamTmbuk Posts: 23
    What's 12" long, purple and makes women cry all night?

    Cot death

    <hr noshade size="1"><font size="1"><center>Consistency is the last refugeof the unimaginative</center></font id="size1">
    <hr><font><blockquote><font>quote:<hr><i>Originally posted by millsyuk</i>
  • trainee_mtbtrainee_mtb Posts: 1,387
    Whats black and white and red all over?

    2 babies in a blender

    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Nuts4fsr</i>

    I shaved my name into my then g/f's pubes once.

    <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
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  • fakietrailfakietrail Posts: 183
    two rats in a sewer....
    one says..."god i'm bored of this corr blimey"
    the other one sais..."its alright we're on piss tomorrow"

    what?
    what?
  • fakietrailfakietrail Posts: 183
    so a lizard is walking thru the forest, when he comes to a tree. up in the tree a monkey is smoking a joint..."mind if i join you?" asks the lizard..."sure" sais the monkey, so the lizard hastens up the tree. "cor blimey, this is nice stuff" remarks the lizard after a few tokes. "yeah its amazing" sais the monkey, "i got it off one of them ooo-rang-ooo-tans". "cor blimey" said the lizard, "iheard they had some nice gear". some time passes and the reefer goes back and forth between the lizard and the monkey, they both relax and enjoy the increase of colour and the mellow sounds of the forest. "can i roll one?" asks the lizard as the spent roach falls to the undergrowth..."sure" mumbles the monkey, fumbling around in his tweed jacket until he finds his stash. The lizard proceeds to making the most enourmous cone shaped spliff you ever did see. "do you wannna spark it?" asks the lizard..."nah, thats the rollers privelage" replies the monkey. so, sparking up and puffing heavily, the lizard lets out a contented sigh and tokes and tokes until his eyes are very red and wide indeed. "gosh" says the lizard "that dont half make your throat dry"...the monkey looks him up and down shrewdly,much in the manner of an old carribean sailor. "well" says the monkey,"theres a nice fresh river just over there, go get yourself a drink". so, the lizard (a little unsteadily) climbs down the tree and makes off for the river. "i'll be back for some more" shouts the lizard up to the monkey, "sure" he replies.
    wow its great in the forest, thinks the lizard, and he gets lost in his musings until he reaches the river. gosh it looks so good that water, he thinks, and bends down to get a drink...SPLOOSH hes bloody well gone and fallen in! "what a prat" he thinks, climbing back out, "i must be wasted"
    right then an enourmous crocodile comes clambouring out of the water. "what was that about" he asks the lizard, "you were taking a drink and you fell right in!"
    "yeah" says the lizard, "im mashed. been smoking some mean weed with a monkey"
    "hmmm...that sounds nice, i aint had a smoke in ages" says the crocodile.
    "go get some, mate"says the lizard,"hes up in a fruit tree just over yonder"
    "yeah i think i will" says the crocodile, following where the lizard has pointed. after a short interlude the crocodile finds the fruit tree, looks up, and can see the mokey puffing away. slowly steadily he climbs up.
    as he gets to the branch the monkey is sitting on the monkey nearly faints, and exclaims
    "christ, dude, how much water did you drink?"

    what?
    what?
  • homers_doublehomers_double Posts: 6,567
    An Australian writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill, he said to the manager............ "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby??? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory....... He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life." The writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test...."hello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed....He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local resident explained to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than hello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied....whittling away on a stick...."How" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief....



    <center>When God created mountains he meant them for climbing.Not to be used as glorified toboggan runs.</center>
    Advocate of disc brakes.
  • homers_doublehomers_double Posts: 6,567
    An Indian was asked by his son how it was that they were named. "I am Soaring Eagle", he replied. "When I was born my father named me after the first thing he saw when he emerged from his teepee - an eagle soaring in the sky. He too was named in such a manner by his father. So it is with you, my son. Now, why do you ask, Two Dogs Fu<s></s>cking?"


    <center>When God created mountains he meant them for climbing.Not to be used as glorified toboggan runs.</center>
    Advocate of disc brakes.
  • homers_doublehomers_double Posts: 6,567
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

    The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

    The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

    Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

    A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

    The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

    The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"



    <center>When God created mountains he meant them for climbing.Not to be used as glorified toboggan runs.</center>
    Advocate of disc brakes.
  • nicholiasnicholias Posts: 6,199
    a woman is waiting in her local gp practionist eagerly awaiting a check up, she goes in, gets checked up by the doctor who goes away to print off the results. the doctor proceeds to walk in and says "I have some big news for you, I would get the nappies ready soon".

    the womans eyes widened with excitement and she concludes "ohhhhhhhh ohhh am i expecting?!"

    the doctor swings around on his chair for a brief second and remarks "No, you have bowel cancer"

    <center>Can't Be Bothered
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    Can't Be Bothered
  • MarshallMarshall Posts: 1,738
    Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

    "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

    "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

    "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

    "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

    "Yep."

    "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

    "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

    "The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

    "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."


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  • DJIPDJIP Posts: 1,724
    "If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...

    Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a
    "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

    Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
    only occur in leap years.

    On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off
    to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

    St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But
    it would be celebrated every month.

    The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday
    Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

    Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

    Tanks would be far easier to rent.

    Birth control would come in ale or lager.

    Garbage would take itself out.

    The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

    When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
    responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

    Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I
    was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one,
    That's $
    10.00 off".

    People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke
    shorts would never go out of style again. Every man would get
    four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. Telephones
    would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

    It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
    you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

    Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could
    present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said
    "You're #1!".

    When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
    the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the
    screen during a time-out.

    Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
    acceptable response to "I love you".

    "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an
    acceptable excuse for tardiness.

    At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would
    jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a
    brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

    Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
    "public ugliness" ordinance.

    Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.


    [:)]
    <h6>
    Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
    </h6>
    Little Purple Patriot :D
  • why did the scarecrow win an award?

    because he was outstanding on his field

    <h4><center>[:)]</h4><h6><font color="black"><font color="black">part of the E1337 brotherhood of cruiserdom</font id="black"></font id="black"></h6></center>
  • Blonde, takes her car to the local garage after hearing funny noises coming from under the bonnet. A mucky looking mechanic appears from inside the garage.

    Blonde: "I wonder if you can help me, I think my car has died"

    Mechanic: "Gimme half an hour, Ill have a look at it"

    After half an hour the mechanic returns.

    Blonde: "Well?"

    Mechanic: "Nothing to worry about, just s<u></u>hit in the carburetor"

    Blonde: "Oh. And how often do I need to do that then?"

    <center>
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  • EverlongEverlong Posts: 17
    A woman goes into the doctors and books a pregnancy test with her GP.

    When she is taken into the room the Doctor says

    'Oh, hello Mrs Jones. What are you here for today?'

    'Another pragnancy test doctor'

    replies the woman.

    'Another pregnancy test!?!? I thought you and your husband were taking precautions after your 9th son was born?'

    asks the Doc.

    Mrs Jones looks him straight in the eye and says

    'We did. we used a condom but you know Doc, some things are meant to be.'

    'Ok'

    says the Doctor

    'But you might want to consider making this child your last. I dont mean to be too open but you are no longer a spring chicken Mrs Jones.'

    Mrs Jones looks dissapointedly back at the Doctor and agrees that she will use a condom from here on in.

    -Just over a year later..

    Mrs Jones walks into the Doctors room again

    'Hello Mrs Jones, what can I do for you today?'

    'I need another pregnancy test doctor.'

    The doctor looks stunned and asks

    'But Mrs Jones did I not suggest the last time you were pregnant, you might consider using a condom as you are a little past the child bearing age?'

    Mrs Jones replies

    'Yes you did and we did use a condom Doctor, honestly!'

    The Doctor thinks for a second then states

    'Well the condom must have ripped during intercourse'

    Mrs Jones smiles and happily say to the Doctor

    'thats ok Doc, I can easily knit another one!'



    I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride.........
    I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride, I laugh, I fall, I cry, I ride.........
  • DHer2004DHer2004 Posts: 497
    why did helen keller masturbate with one hand?
    so she could moan with the other hand.

    SCREEEEEAAAAAWWWWW!!!!!
    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">originally posted by sharief
    U R PIG<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
  • trainee_mtbtrainee_mtb Posts: 1,387
    2 Scousers, an Irish man and an English man were beating the sh<u></u>it out of a black man when officer smith came along and shouted "Mick, Mac, Paddy, Jack leave the wog alone."

    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by MaWdAz</i>

    HA HA HA HA, trainee = (for once in his life) a legend!
    <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">

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