Outer calm, inner turmoil

Gizmodo

OK so a cycling forum is probably not the best place to do this, but I've been conversing on here a while and feel a certain "affinity" to many of you. Plus I've got no one else to talk to.

I've got a scan booked for tomorrow, results on the 15th. I had an 18cm stage 2C Seminoma tumour in my abdomen in 2010. I was told Seminoma was the most treatable form of Cancer and had a 95% chance of a full cure with Cemotherapy. After chemo my first scan showed all was clear, then a follow up scan in 2011 (which I told everyone was just routine) showed 2 new 10 cm tumours. 2011 saw very high dose Chemo (I actually cried as they hung some of the bags, I felt that bad) and radio-therapy (that was a breeze). Again my first scan after treatment showed all clear.

Time for my next scan. I don't know how to feel. If its back what are they going to do to me next? Another 4 months of high dose chemo - you really don't want to know what it does to you!

I can't talk to my wife, she needs me to look after her, not the other way around. She has terminal breast Cancer with brain, lung and bone mets, I can't burden her with my problems.

Sorry, ignore me, I feel better having just typed it. More red wine me thinks, another bottle and I might forget my problems for the night.

Must MTFU!

cornerblock

Not at all, get it off your chest. Are there no other family members or close friends you can talk to?

nweststeyn

It may seem odd, but if your wife needs your strength then people here are more than willing to offer assistance. Don't go too mad on the red wine, and you've not had the scan yet so don't assume the worst.

Wishing you the best, sir!

MattC59

No need to MTFU Giz.

I'm going through one or two issues at the moment (which I won't bore you with at the moment) but I find it difficult to talk about it to MrsC. I sort of clam up a bit as I don't want to burden her with my views of the situation. I bore one of my mates to death with it instead. That said, I know that I should probably talk to MrsC about it, she wouldn't see it as a burden and it would help me to air my thoughts.

I'm sure that Mrs Giz wouldn't see it as a burden, in fact it may turn out that helping you out is is a distraction, or she feels that she is giving something back for the support that you're giving her. Just let her know that it's hard sometimes, but you're dealing with it. She doesn't have to do anything other than be there. Just listening is in it's self helping you out.

That said, my view is not to worry until you have all of the information. Your next scan might be clear, in which case you've worried yourself sick (and guzzled a couple of bottles of nice red) for nothing.

As I said, different situation, but just as concerning for me and my wife; I had some tests a while back and go to discuss them with the consultant on the 11th. It could be ok news, it could be very bad news, I don't know yet, so I'm not worrying.

Anyway, enough of me prattling on. All the best, good luck for your scan, and you know where we are if you want to air your thoughts or vent spleen.

M

ps. please feel free to ignore me, I'm an engineer, MrsC always says that my first thought is to offer a solution, when sometimes she just wants me to listen. :roll:

jordan_217

MTFU can only be used when referring to fair weather riders or those debating if their shorts match their brake cables

Keep smiling and try to remain positive it could be much worse, e.g; being locked in Aggies basement, being Bhima or Eezy Rider who's still waiting for his decals.

Chin up and good luck for the next scan.

gasman_dave

Gizmodo you have the sympathy of all of us, and if we are the only ones who write anything all the better.

Whatever happens you both need support at this sort of time. If your wife has such health problems, there will be access to the MacMillan specialists or their equivalent. They are there for both the patient and carer, so give them a call. You could also ask your own GP what you could access easily. Help with what may turn out only to be needless worrying is still needed.

Confiding your own fears in comparative strangers can help, but there are other more professional people who do this every day. For the moment, one day at a time.

By the way, every time I see your binary statement on your posts it makes me smile.

Dave

nevman

Here to listen,no problem sharing this and if there is any support I can give you have it.Cliche but cyclists are a caring community IMO.

turnerjohn

having it out is what forums are all about....its what we're here for !
Reading what you've gone through is certainly humbling; I know what your going through as my Dad had chemo on several occassions and its not pleseant. Sounds as though they've hit it if your last scan was clear ?...thats got to be comforting...look at the next as just reasurance that its gone and try to think positively on it.
I agree with a few others here that maybe actually "sharing" what your going through with your wife could help both of you...problem shared is a problem halved and all ? she may also be wondering if you really are coping with it all if you've not really said anything to her ? Oh and insidently MacMillan are fabulous and you should give them a call if you haven't already.
Chin up, keep at it and remember theres always someone on here for a chat !

msmancunia

I'd second bending the Macmillan's ears - that's what they are there for. The difference between them and "normal" nurses is that they are trained for this - they nurse, but they also organise, advise, and listen. I had to care for my terminally ill parents when I was in my twenties and felt I had to be all brave and not get upset, so I'd go and see the Macmillan nurse and tell her all my woes. District nurses and hospice nurses for that matter are equally amazing, much more than doctors, I think, who have to be a bit less attached.

Good luck to you and Matt for your tests - hope all is well.

BelgianBeerGeek

Gizmodo, MTFU and speak to your OH.

All relationships rely on that (occasionally brutal) honesty. Unless it comes to how much you spent on bike bits

If she ever found out from someone else, I'm sure she'd be very hurt.

No preaching, but all the best. Not an easy one to call.

Gizmodo

Thanks to everyone for both the public and private replies. This is a great community, as well as public replies, I've also had some great private replies as well. Thanks guys.

I'm watching Embarrassing Bodies Live on Channel 4, they just showed a kidney tumour. Whilst my tumour was testicular my first symptoms was kidney/lower back pain. The pain seemed to move from my right kidney down to my right testicle. I thought back pain. I thought "pain doesn't move". Finally when I peed blood I went to my GP. They treated me with antibiotics for a urinary infection before referring me to a urinary specialist. One GP said "it could be anything" :roll:

The first person to put their hands on my abdomen could feel the tumour, it was 18cm diameter, and I wondered why I couldn't go the night without getting up to go to the toilet every few hours. The tumour on telly was about the same size as mine and weighed 2.2kg, so I should think myself lucky, even my brother said to me yesterday after a 35mile ride that I had an advantage, not having to carry around 2 kidneys :-) (he was of course joking). I pay hundreds to reduce the bike weight by a few grams, chemo helped me loose 30kg and didn't cost me a penny!

Thanks guys. I'll keep you informed on results on the 15th.

prawny

Pub any time if you want dude. Drop me an line, I'm all ears.

Stone Glider

I think it's a 'man thing', all this bottling things up and not letting on. It works for some. I was summoned down from London to Hospital in Cardiff with my father ill. The consultant spoke to me privately and said that Dad had inoperable cancer, right through his body. After that, I went into the ward and Dad said "have you spoken to the Doctor? Don't tell your Mum". Later that day Mum asked the same question and gave me the same instruction! He lived another five years,(awkward sod!) and died of a heart attack :? Mum died a month before him, twenty four years ago, tomorrow.

All that story does is serve to illustrate that we are all different and our relationships are unique. Nonetheless, it is possible that Mrs Giz. may be pleased to return some of the support you have given her. I have a deep dislike of secrets in a close relationship such as yours but many find it the best way for them.

So, best wishes, you do have a large group of people to hand who wish you well.

daviesee

Oh man. Perspective for those of us who think we have problems.

No need to man up, you are being a better man than most of us simply by coping with this.

Best wishes for you and your OH.

mattshrops

My advice would be to talk to the missus, I'd be willing to bet she already can guess how you really feel. Women are smart at that stuff.

Hope it goes well for you tomorrow. Good luck.

shouldbeinbed

everything crossed for you. It's your relationship to speak or not as you see fit but I'd guess that Mrs G, for all that she is going through will know that you're not the usual you, I've been in a similar place with my son's cancer - I was the only person that though I wasn't showing any outward signs of my inner fears.

It could be helpful to tell her whatever the 15th brings as she may be worrying that her situation is affecting you more than you're letting on. Part of her will be thinking about you coping after she's gone; a whole load of my dads terminal cancer worries were about my mum picking up afterwards; it might be worse for her not knowing anything at all about your concerns for your own health.

If it isn't good news for you, she's going to find out anyway. I know how terminal cancer & care can strip away a lot of our ideas of dignity (for want of a better word) but might she prefer some warning, even though hopefully it won't be necessary, so you both have a few weeks longer to have a bigger say in greater level of practical support and care issues rather than them be dropped onto you both at the last minute?

good luck.

pottssteve

Having been through metastatic seminoma and come out the other side I'm not going to give you advice. Do what you feel is right, and what you need to do. If you can't talk to anyone else then the Macmillan nurses can be very comforting, I hear.

You don't know me, but you're welcome to PM me if you want to swap cancer stories.
Take care of yourself, and good luck.

Steve

Cleat Eastwood

take a deep breath and talk.

To keep your spirits up here's a sexy lady eating.

natrix

turnerjohn wrote:

Oh and insidently MacMillan are fabulous and you should give them a call if you haven't already.

WHS (but I'd spell it properly)

Redhog14

Sorry I am late Giz, but all the best from me i can't even begin to imagine what you are going through but the Swedes say - "worry can give a small thing a big shadow" you don't know what the results are yet. We may be a disparate, discordant, dimwitted, disagreeable bunch of dunderheids but you know where we are if you need any of us for rancid views, witty banter, dodgy pictures (NSFW), eccles cakes and other distractions. Oh and Vanessa Feltz is on R2 first thing.
PS talk to your other half.

Gizmodo

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

take a deep breath and talk.
To keep your spirits up here's a sexy lady eating.

Jesus effing wept Cleat! The only thing I can say is that it's a good job I've got a good supply of Domperidone because I had to swallow down after seeing that!

As some of you guessed, Mrs Giz knows how I feel, I did talk to her about how I felt that night. I need a red wine/forum filter - make sure I keep off the forum when I've drunk a little too much vino.

Now can any of you make it stop freekin raining?

Cleat Eastwood

Gizmodo wrote:

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

take a deep breath and talk.
To keep your spirits up here's a sexy lady eating.

Jesus effing wept Cleat! The only thing I can say is that it's a good job I've got a good supply of Domperidone

If Domperidone is a type of viagra then I can only say 'goodman - you obviously have taste'

heres another sexy bird.

Velonutter

Oh Bollox Gizmodo, I've been out over the weekend and only just read this, man I feel your pain!.

Your only up the road to me, do you fancy a coffee at one of the truckers stops?

I'm all ears mate and after the way everyone helped me through my sadness, It would be an honour to help you.

I'll PM me your number, feel free to call if you think it will help.

Best wishes,

John

capt_slog

Sorry to hear of your problems Gizmodo, it makes moaning about the weather and all our other little grumbles fall into perspective. You have no need to MTFU, you've coped this far when a lot of others would have buckled.

Velonutter wrote:

Your only up the road to me, do you fancy a coffee at one of the truckers stops?

I'm all ears mate and after the way everyone helped me through my sadness, It would be an honour to help you.

I'll PM me your number, feel free to call if you think it will help.

Best wishes,

John

well said that man.

Gizmodo

Well I don't know what all the fuss was about :roll: The results were clear 8)



Party at mine tonight. Cleat - no munters!

Cleat Eastwood

ah there'll be a day you'll crave my munters. Well done Gizmodo, I'd earmarked the date and was thinking about your appointment today - glad its all ok for you. Have a drink on me.

Gizmodo

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

ah there'll be a day you'll crave my munters. Well done Gizmodo, I'd earmarked the date and was thinking about your appointment today - glad its all ok for you. Have a drink on me.

Cheers dude, I'd better get another babycham out the fridge then

Rigga

Just read this thread, glad your results were clear!

gasman_dave

That's fabulous news. All the best to you and your good lady. You had every right to post this before.

By the way, why should this be in Bottom Bracket?

Have a great weekend, Gizmodo.

Dave

cornerblock

'kin 'ell Gizmodo worrying us all like that! Absolutely great news, so happy to hear that. By the way, can I have the fiver back that I donated? :shock:

Gizmodo

Cornerblock wrote:

'kin 'ell Gizmodo worrying us all like that! Absolutely great news, so happy to hear that. By the way, can I have the fiver back that I donated? :shock:

Sorry dude, there was an erm ..... accident