"Were about to crash" passengers told...

Splottboy

...On a BA flight to Hong Kong, by mistake.

A radio message was accidently played as they flew over the North Sea, Yahoo News says, setting panic amongst the crew and passengers.

One passenger stated, " I can't think of anything worse than being told you're about to crash."

I can...ACTUALLY crashing.

Northwind

I like random announcements. On a wee twinprop plane into London City once we got "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be slightly delayed on the flight as the oil presure's a bit low in the engines so we're going to divert to a different flightplan that overflies more airfields.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!"

kaytronika

'Ladies and gentlemen we'll be landing shortly... When I say so I want you to all stick your feet out and start running'

He also asked if we could all move to the back of the plane on take off to get the front up in the air.

MountainMonster

I remember when I was 6 or 7 flying from America to England one summer, the pilot decided to play titanic half way through the flight while we were above the Atlantic. Not a smart idea. Even adults were panicking a little bit and eventually they stopped the film and put something else on.

I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to hear were about to crash over the intercom.

njee20

If I'm not mistaken Titanic is set on a boat, so the relevance to a plane is fairly limited! Not many planes hit ice bergs! I doubt the captain 'decided' to play it either, but that's just pedantic :-)

I watched Castaway on a plane, it had a warning in the magazine and at the beginning just saying "this film contains a plane crash, do not watch if you're a nervous flyer". Makes sense to me, are people so blind to the fact that planes can crash that a film is likely to 'remind' them of the fact!?

Considering the panic would only last about 5 seconds I'd find it quite amusing!

MountainMonster

Fair enough for you, but I think disaster movies don't belong on planes, or boats in my opinion. But hey to each his own, people all react differently to things like that.

supersonic

There was a true story of a co pilot who climbed aboard a passenger plane and greeted his pilot, called Jack, with 'Hi, Jack', just as Jack was radioing in to the tower.

You can guess the rest...;-)

Happy Harry

The oxygen ring main in passenger aircraft is mainly for an emergency decompression but can be used for therapeutic/first aid purposes.

On a night flight from Miami I'd had a passenger on therapeutic oxygen for a while and when he'd finished I unplugged the mask and phoned upstairs to the flight deck (it was a 747) to tell the pilots they could switch it off. The First Officer flicked the wrong switch because all the lights came on, all 370 oxygen masks dropped down and an automatic emergency PA blasted out at a high volume. The PA message repeats twice and can't be switched off.

What a way to be woken up at 35,000 feet. I've never seen so many terrified people. The crew had twigged that it wasn't a genuine emergency because we hadn't started an emergency descent but we still had to follow the procedures just in case.

biff55

ryanair ?

Anonymous

i heard that a pilot got disciplined after landing at brize norton then saying:

"welcome to england, the time is 1830hrs the temperature is 12 degrees and ladies: you are all ugly again"

to be fair, he was right. girls at mount pleasant complex are stunning until they land back n england where men can find other actual women who arent big strong lesbian looking types.

eltonioni

Pre 9/11, sat on the tarmac in Barbados for two hours while somebody drove to town to knock on the door of the address on the extra case in the hold.

Another time on the same tarmac, one engine wouldn't start. Engineers boarded and moved the passengers next to us, opened up the floor and disappeared inside for ten minutes. they left, pilot announces "we've go the engine going now so we're going to go for it in case it stops again"

I've since got myself a pilots licence and learned to keep quiet when things aren't quite right, even when we nearly went through the hedge at the end of the runway on take off one hot day. Sorry Andrew, at least you thought that it was normal even while I was quickly preparing to ditch it in the next field.

Happy Harry

A colleague who didn't have a lot of tolerance for annoying passengers was famous for telling a man to 'f*ck off' out of the galley during a night flight. The passenger was furious and demanded to speak to the Cabin Service Director. The steward denied he'd said it and suggested he'd been misheard. The argument escalated until the Captain was dragged down to try and sort it out. He eventually pacified the bloke and the steward was very apologetic for the misunderstanding.

When the galley emptied and just the steward and the passenger remained, the steward turned to him and said, 'Now will you f*ck off?'.

MissBint37

When I was a hostie we had 2 precautionary landings - where they THINK everything will be OK but there is a small risk of some sort of epic fail (no full on emergencies). Passengers are NOT supposed to be notified of a precautionary landing.

On one occasion the aircraft was empty except for crew but on the other occasion, we had a 737-800 full of passengers on the way to Zakynthos. The aircraft shuddered a little on take-off due to a faulty tyre. But it wasn't excessive, the captain decided we needed to go back as they didn't want to risk some epic fail in Greece and rather it be in the UK.

He made an announcement, and basically made out we might crash if the tyre gave out.....ta, thanks for that, whole cabing was panicking, crying screaming passengers the lot!

All was well, landed fine and got the tyre changed.....but....was an interesting day out to say the least!!!

Happy Harry

I was on a Grumman Goose (twin-engine, high-wing seaplane in Auckland harbour in the late 70s for a flight out to the Bay of Islands. As we boarded the pilot was up on the wing topping up the engine oil. The only door was at the back so when he'd finished he came up the aisle wiping his hands on a rag. He saw me fumbling with my seatbelt and said "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, mate. We hardly ever crash."

[b]MissBint37[/b] wrote:

Passengers are NOT supposed to be notified of a precautionary landing.

Yeah - pilots have no social skills whatsoever, do they. Mind you sometimes I wished they hadn't told me, either :roll: On one of my last flights we were flying from Heathrow to Tokyo even though the airport had been closed due to a typhoon. The skipper briefed me that we'd make one approach and then divert to Osaka. I'd convinced him that Osaka was the best diversion because I knew a great English pub there that did fish and chips. He prepped me to do a 'go-around' PA because he'd be busy. Well, the approach was awful - nothing had landed for eight hours and a Virgin airbus had gone around ahead of us. I could see nothing out of the window but the rain lashing against it was deafening and the turbulence was as bad as I've known it - I was just waiting for the power to kick in and climb away. But when the cloud broke and I saw forest a few hundred feet below I knew the b*astard was going for it. We hit the runway on one set of wheels and bounced down most of the length of it. Apart from the pilots I was the only one on board who knew how bad the conditions were and I was like a lump of jelly. I was furious with him

To cap it all, there was an earthquake that afternoon that woke me up and in the pub in the evening we watched 9/11 live on the TV along with some United crew who would have known some of the victims. I retired 3 weeks later!!! Not a moment too soon.

spongtastic

About 30 years ago, flying into Majorca a passenger opened one of the doors whilst we were coming into land.

Being 6 at the time I didn't really know what was going on, but I can remember my parents and their friends screaming their heads off in a comedy fashion.

MissBint37

Turbulence....I loved turbulence it was fun.....mostly

Haha, I could speak with tales of aircraft all day but I won't bore you all! Makes me miss it too, although if I get made redundant I'm going to try and go back flying Now....dare I lower myself to easyjet orange???

Splottboy

SHEEPS...Big strong lesbian types?

My cousin just had a shock, the bird he's got two kids by, has got marrried...to her friend!

Bet it was a totally bitch-fight choosing the wedding and bridesmaid dresses...

He didn't get an invite, by the way.

Wallace1492

Best one I heard was a pilot making an announcement, when at cruising altitude....... "Ladies and Gentlemen, cruising at 35,000 feet, 4 hours till we arrive at Heathrow, where the weather is overcast with 15C, please sit back and relax and enjo.... AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH....." It ended with an almighty scream from the pilot.....

Blind panic in the passeneger cabin, but the intercom crackles on:
"Hello, your pilot here again, sorry about that, but the stewardess has spilt some coffee in my lap.... nothing to be alarmed about, haha, you should see the mess down the front of my trousers...."

At that point, one nervous passengers shouts out - "That's nothing, you should see the mess down the back of mine!"

Snelly

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport .. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Anonymous

that is excellent, i would love it if all airlines were that funny.

Snelly

Google search for Kulula and check out the livery of their planes too - it is fantastic....

Anonymous

the bloke in charge of that airline must be off his tits!!

neddie

---

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
______________________________ __________


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
______________________________ __________

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
______________________________ __________


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
______________________________ __________

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
______________________________ __________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
______________________________ __________

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, inGermany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the ###### war!"
______________________________ __________


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
______________________________ __________

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
______________________________ __________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
______________________________ __________

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Happy Harry

Most of the 'Kulula announcements' have been circulating on the net for years attributed to different airlines and if you're on the mailing list of ex and current flight crew they pop into the inbox at regular intervals :roll:

Here's the Snopes page on it - most of them are there with a few others http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/announce.asp

[b]MissBint37[/b] wrote:

if I get made redundant I'm going to try and go back flying Now....dare I lower myself to easyjet orange???

But Miss Bint, of course you must do it again, whatever uniform it is! You know you'll never work with such crazy people anywhere else. It's hard work and long hours but where else could you get such a laugh and get paid for it. Then you could do a blog for us and make us all jealous. And take pics of your colleagues for us

Anonymous

Happy Harry wrote:

Most of the 'Kulula announcements' have been circulating on the net for years attributed to different airlines and if you're on the mailing list of ex and current flight crew they pop into the inbox at regular intervals :roll:

oh sorry harry, im not a trolley dolly so havent heard of these before, you're such a legend for knowing something related to something you used to do unlike the rest of us who do something else for a living.

Happy Harry

sheepsteeth wrote:

oh sorry harry, im not a trolley dolly so havent heard of these before, you're such a legend for knowing something related to something you used to do unlike the rest of us who do something else for a living.

I think everybody who has worked in an industry for 30 years will find it becomes a big part of their life and they'll have a lot of knowledge about it and when conversation turns to it they'll want to share some of their thoughts. If they didn't it would be sad because it might mean that they didn't enjoy that time. When you move on from the army you will want to share your memories with others if the subject arises.

Flying hasn't been my only life, I've had three careers so far and had a whole lot of amazing experiences and had a whole lot of stuff happen to me. I've got limitless stories about a whole range of experiences. When you get older and your memories come back to you, I hope you don't find that people are offended when you talk about your past. Thanks for the feedback. I'll be more careful in the future.

Anonymous

twas the slightly pious eye rolling emoticon i took issue with as if you were saying "gawd, havent you ever heard of a few airline stories :roll: knob heads."

like me saying, "god, you useless bunch of dicks, havent you ever fired 4bit from a machine gun on a 30metre range before, its not that big a deal :roll: "

lso, you should never take anything i say as being too serious.

Splottboy

I take that last statement seriously.

Very seriously indeed...

Happy Harry

sheepsteeth wrote:

lso, you should never take anything i say as being too serious.

What? Now you tell me. So what am I supposed to do with this crate of limes FFS?

Anonymous

Happy Harry wrote:

sheepsteeth wrote:

lso, you should never take anything i say as being too serious.

What? Now you tell me. So what am I supposed to do with this crate of limes FFS?

if you can still get the soles of your feet together you're gonna need some string

Happy Harry

sheepsteeth wrote:

if you can still get the soles of your feet together you're gonna need some string

You cannot be serious :roll: