Family / Bike balance

snowjoke

My missus is getting really stressed about me going out on my bike, she says I should be spending the time with her and our two kids (5 & 2).

I do loads round the house, sort the kids out for bed, very rarely go out drinking and I look after the kids no problem when she wants to go out in the evening with mates or shopping.
However she just gets annoyed when I go out on the bike.

I ride 7am - 12 most Saturday mornings and in summer maybe one evening ride every couple of weeks after the kids are in bed. Plus 2 - 3 weekends a year away. Other than my ride the weekend and evenings are spent entirely with the family.

I could be down the pub or watching the footy on a Saturday but instead I'm keeping fit and coming home happy before lunchtime.

Is she being selfish or am I?
How much riding is too much with a family?

El Capitano

Take the kids riding with you - child seat on the back and a trailer. Sorted.

homers_double

Try night riding, I find it works better if I sort the little man out in bed then go out for an hour or so after dark.

Generally Mrs. Double will read her book in peace with a glass of wine or watch X factor (at the right time of year).

bartimaeus

+1 for night riding... but it sounds like you go out after the kids are in bed anyway... mine are 8 and 10 so I often don't get out till 9:00 or 9:30, but I'm finding I really enjoy cycling by night.

+1 for taking the kids with you as well... my younger son Alec is getting into off-road now (see http://www.bikeradar.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=12708297). I'm still working on his big brother, but then he only learned to ride a few weeks ago

At 5 & 2 you need to be doing some long term planning... like saving for a couple of nice bikes for them!

Maybe it's the 'most Saturday mornings' your wife isn't happy with?

El Capitano

Another cunning ploy I've used in the past, is going out very early on a Sunday morning - no traffic and the trails are clear, then arriving back home and waking up Mrs C. with a cup of tea/breakfast in bed.

BorisSpencer

I was in the same position as you, I'm now divorced. Moaning about my riding was just a symptom of what a selfish bitch she actually was. Now I ride when I like.

Kiblams

BorisSpencer wrote:

I was in the same position as you, I'm now divorced. Moaning about my riding was just a symptom of what a selfish ***** she actually was. Now I ride when I like.

Wow... :shock:

Christ I'm happy at times like this that the wife loves throwing herself around forests on two wheels as much as me

bartimaeus

I like your style El Capitano... very smooth indeed.

stuart_c-2

Kiblams wrote:

Christ I'm happy at times like this that the wife loves throwing herself around forests on two wheels as much as me

This could be your answer (No, not marry Kiblams' wife).

Try and get her involved. If she comes out on the odd ride with you she can feel part of what you do. Try and convince her to have the kids on her bike and then you can ditch off into the woods every now and again while she sticks to fire road.

Kiblams

Stuart_C wrote:

This could be your answer (No, not marry Kiblams' wife).

Are you sure? you might grow to like her after a while

I converted her to the cause while we were engaged, all it took was a £200 Rockrider, upgraded to discs for the winter and a 2010 Tora fork we started off slow (Sherwood Pines) and then worked our way up.

I have always insisted that riding behind her with no suspension (keeps it interesting ) while she was learning was the way to keep her motivated, instead of doing what most guys seem to do; and leave her trailing behind.

These days she is the one dragging me to trail centres and has even started thrashing me on the ups and has started attacking the downhills and technical sections as much as I do... only bought her the bike in September last year! :shock:

El Capitano

Kiblams wrote:

BorisSpencer wrote:

I was in the same position as you, I'm now divorced. Moaning about my riding was just a symptom of what a selfish ***** she actually was. Now I ride when I like.

Wow... :shock:

Christ I'm happy at times like this that the wife loves throwing herself around forests on two wheels as much as me

See, the thing is Mrs C isn't a cyclist. We've been married for 26 years and it's only in the past 18 months that she's actually been out for a ride.

She hates me watching it on the TV, moans about my road bike being in the bedroom (currently perched on my dressing table), complains about the amount of washing I make, especially in the winter when I'm coming in really, really muddy.

However, she's never complained about me going out riding. If I didn't ride and wasn't as fit as I am now (or was in my youth), then there's every possibility I wouldn't have survived the heart attacks I had in my mid 20's. Currently my riding (both commuting and general riding) forms a major part of my diabetes care - I've managed to get to point where I'm on a very low dose of Insulin now and am starting to to introduce more sugar* into my diet to compensate, which according to my specialist is a good thing.

When the kids were growing up, I used to take them out with me. You'd be surprised how much beneficial training can be gained from towing the kids up hills. My eldest daughter stopped riding when she got to her teens, but I'm now taking her son (my Grandson) out on leisurely rides. He's 7 and a propper nut-case on a bike. My two sons, Vin and Dan from as soon as they could ride have been coming out with me and both have attended various forum rides and raced XC enduros, although at the moment, they've 'grown' out of it. They'll come back to it in the future...

However, I think the best advice I can give you is that marriage is a compromise. You have to both give and take. As does your wife. Talk to her about how you feel. Consider getting child seats for your bike, and also a bike for your wife if she rides. Family bike rides are a really good way of getting the whole family involved in the sport. Granted you're not going to be chucking yourself off cliffs or blatting through the forest at warp factor 8, but at least your getting to ride.



* for Sugar read CAKE!

homers_double

That has worked for me in the past however Mrs D is just getting over a skiing injury which has buggered her left knee since February this year. She's going to try and get out but it isn't going to be anything strenuous.

Stevo_666

I have a similar type problem - I find that the riding that doesn't cut into time that could be spent with junior is the easiest. Night rides/summer evening rides are OK: I get a cycling top up by commuting to work a couple of time a week also with no probs (although not all MTB'ers will fancy this option). The only other thing you could do is take time off work for longer rides rather than do weekends?

bails87

I sold my family to Chinese gangsters in order to buy more bike stuff. I think it's the right balance.

homers_double

Now that, that is a plan!

El Capitano

bails87 wrote:

I sold my family to Chinese gangsters in order to buy more bike stuff. I think it's the right balance.

You sir are a genius!

snowjoke

Bartimaeus wrote:

Maybe it's the 'most Saturday mornings' your wife isn't happy with?

You're right.
She can watch soaps and other crap on TV in the evening and the kids are already in bed so evening rides are not too much of an issue.
Thing is these are only 2 hours local rides and I like a decent 4 hour ride on a weekend.

In a few years the kids could come with me but thats a long way away.

Maybe a compromise would be investing in decent lights, increasing my night riding frequency and do alternate weekends.

I thought what I was doing was reasonable but maybe it was too much

:?

bails87

snowjoke wrote:

Bartimaeus wrote:

Maybe it's the 'most Saturday mornings' your wife isn't happy with?

You're right.
She can watch soaps and other crap on TV in the evening and the kids are already in bed so evening rides are not too much of an issue.
Thing is these are only 2 hours local rides and I like a decent 4 hour ride on a weekend.

In a few years the kids could come with me but thats a long way away.

Maybe a compromise would be investing in decent lights, increasing my night riding frequency and do alternate weekends.

I thought what I was doing was reasonable but maybe it was too much

:?

It doesn't sound at all unreasonable to me.

But then I'm single :roll:


Anyway, I guess it depends how often she gets to do her own thing. If you're out every weekend and a few evenings a week and she only gets to go out once every month or two then I guess she's bound to see it as a little unfair.

Anonymous

would she mind if you were doing something else or it is specifically cycling she hates you doing?

could she be a bit jealous that you have a hobby that she doesnt/cant enjoy?

bwfc4eva868

I get moaned at by the missus!

Gazlar

I supposeI'm fortunate to work shifts, so I can go wehn she's at work/uni, then have our group rides every 3 or 4 weeks when I've got a long weekend, but I really feel for ya snowjoke, because I've been there, you have a hobby that you arrange so it impacts as little as possible and thats still not enough to keep all parties happy, and it is such a fine line

My only advice would be to see what she expects, you reiterate what you see as reasonable, and more importantly, why its reasonable, and then work out a compromise. It also works well if you bring up the subject, quite out of the blue and have a bit of flexibility, at least for a while then slowly sneak in a bit more riding

snowjoke

sheepsteeth wrote:

would she mind if you were doing something else or it is specifically cycling she hates you doing?

could she be a bit jealous that you have a hobby that she doesnt/cant enjoy?

Before the MTB it was golf that was an issue, I gave that up so I didn't have 2 time consuming hobbies.

I think her lack of a hobby does contribute to her issue, but I think it's mainly the fact she gets lumbered with the kids all morning.
Women, don't you just love 'em :roll:

I was interested to hear how much and when others with young families get to ride and by the sounds of it I may have been pushing it a bit. I'll suggest my compromise sometime this weekend, maybe when I get back from my epic 4 hour ride round Edale

Anonymous

sound slike a bit of a bummer. the only solution is to take the kids for an equal ammount of time once you have finished so the other half can have some time to herself perhaps but from the sounds of it, you are already more than happy to do your part.

the honest truth is that she needs a hobby of her own which allows her to get away for a while so you both get your private time.

homers_double

My sprog has been riding his little bike round the close for a while so eventualy it came time buy him a proper bike.

Instead of opting for a supermarket full suss that would weigh more than him and be an absolute pig we bought him a Specialized HotRock for £200. Might sound steep to some but he certainly gets his (or our) moneys worth out of it.

It's relatively light, has decent components and is actually a childs mountain bike, not a scaled down adult version so is easy for him to ride. That way I'm confident that I can include him in a decent length family ride without it being a struggle. He's done the Blue at Llandegla on it!

I also built up a second bike, chapish hardtail frame with light components so Mrs.D could ride it and she's quite happy with it now she's taken the "I BEER" sticker off the headtube.

bartimaeus

... and it should get easier as the kids get older - you will slowly start to get aspects of your old life back .

I'm lucky in that I have two boys. For the last couple of years they have been self-sufficient in the mornings (they are 8 and 10). When they were 4 and 2 the weekend mornings were pretty hands-on, and we used to dream of having lazy mornings sitting reading the papers over a cup of coffee. Now we do get to do this!

I'm hoping that soon they will get up, make the coffe, go get the paper and bring them all through so we don't even have to get out of bed. Now that would be a result

homers_double

Pft, step offspring is 20 and getting a morning brew is like getting blood out of a stone, even if she has to get up for work and we dont.

bails87

Pics of your wife?

If needs be we could come up with some kind of rota where one of us comes round to entertain the missus while you go out for a ride?

kona_matt

El Capitano wrote:

there's every possibility I wouldn't have survived the heart attacks I had in my mid 20's.

:shock: Jeez, that would have scared the poo out of me, respect to you sir!

my 2p, we've got a 9 month old boy (he started crawling this morning by the way) and get the same moaning about "that bloody bike!" +1 on the night riding, get home from work, get the kid/kids to be then get out for a ride. getting yourself a decent light for night riding is a great investment. i've also started riding to work 3 days a week which gives me lots of riding time (although this has resulted in me ALMOST preferring the road bike! :shock: ).

i'm lucky that the missus does like to cycle as well, we get out on a sunday morning once or twice a month, sometimes with jnr in the trailer, sometimes he's with my parents. do you think there's any chance of getting your missus into cycling?

lastly, with the weekends away, my tip is if you want a weekend away on your own make sure you also book a weekend away with the family the weekend before or after your solo trip.

DIESELDOG

My LORD! You my man are a saint!
Try this from my OH

Monday - Commute to work, evening go the long way home
Tuesday - Dito, plus training
Wednesday - Ditto, plus either evening Time Trial or MTB group ride
Thursday - Ditto plus training youngsters, then do the TT circuit on the way home.
Friday - Ditto plus FNSS
Saturday - Club run at 11am, may go for extra before, after or both. Or a 25 TT.
Sunday - Club run 50+ miles.

He doesn't always commute though, then again if he doesn't he just does extra miles.

Following week - start all over again.

We're still married, maybe you're spending too MUCH time together! She couldn't moan at you if you weren't there.

Having read this, maybe he just doesn't like me. :shock:

DIESELDOG

I should add by the way that our daughter is now 18 so may be he's making up for lost time!
Who know's, he's happy. And daft as it may sound, so long as he is,then so am !

im first to die

dont think it helped my cause when she asked what i liked to ride more my bike or her and i had to think for a bit before answering

she does not mind me going out on the bike so much its just the "spending more on the bloody bike" she dont like