Time for some jokes.

nicklouse

A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.

He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.

When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically.

Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

Moses,' replied the bird.

Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' ...................




"The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Danlube

hehe

El Capitano

nicklouse

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.

bails87

Stolen but still....

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says
"Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father,
but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes
the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no -
that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the
bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back
on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours
himself a whiskey and says

" You know what?, You c*nts are alright."

bails87

Dogs really are mans best friend. Dont believe me? Lock your wife and you dog in the boot of the car for a couple of hours, then see which one is pleased to see you when you let them out...!

Lapierre t 400

a husband and his wife go into a chinese restaurant
the waiter comes and gives them the menu,and they order the meal of the day.
the ask the waiter what the meal of the day is,he replies chicken surprise
the waiter brings out a big silver platter with a lid on it and puts it on the table then he leaves.
all of a sudden the husband sees the lid lift up and he sees 2 eyes peeking out
he tells his wife and she calls the waiter.
they explain to the waiter what happened and he says I'm very sorry you got the pekin duck.

I know a couple of other really good jokes but they are a bit racist and might cause offense

bails87

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

---

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

---

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do
I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids'
she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are
you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and
your other mate stuck a brush up my ar * e?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

---

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I
was a hooker!'. He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past,
but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She
replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

---

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen
floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground....As he's
sh * gging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have
some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet
floor!!'

---

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time'.
His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger kn*b than your brother.'

---

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

---

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

---

Statistically.... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

---

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was
caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to
be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

---

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and
thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around
and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a
c*ck like that."

---

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh * t."

---

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

---

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got
pickpocketed....How could anyone stoop so low?

---

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean,
a ginger kid, with two friends?

---

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w @ nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

El Capitano

bails87 wrote:

Jokes

Awesome.

im first to die

6 out of seven dwarfs arnt happy

n.battison

Whats ET short for??

toby_winkler

n.battison wrote:

Whats ET short for??

Extra terrestrial?

n.battison

Toby_Winkler wrote:

n.battison wrote:

Whats ET short for??

Extra terrestrial?

No because he has short legs!

toby_winkler

n.battison wrote:

Toby_Winkler wrote:

n.battison wrote:

Whats ET short for??

Extra terrestrial?

No because he has short legs!

terrible.

a.palmer

Where's money made?


Ger-money

trekhead

Nicked from cakestop:

A woman walked into a chemists to enquire about viagra

"can you get it over the counter?" she asked the man at the till.

"if i take two i can." replied the man.

chris_sw

Doritos have just released their new flavour of crisps.

Chile shockwave.

colintrav

What is worse ... your dog chewing your slipper or a Killer whale eating your trainer ..

Andy

The dog. I love my slippers where as I've got tonnes of trainers.

supersonic

What's white and wriggles across the floor?


Come dancing.

ste_t

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

ste_t

She had no arms.....

fitch28

What's purple and square?

an orange in disguise


what did one mushroom say to the other mushroom?

you're a fungi


why was 6 scared of 7?

cos 7 8 9


i only like sh!t jokes
:oops:

Anonymous

fitch28 wrote:

What's purple and square?

an orange in disguise


what did one mushroom say to the other mushroom?

you're a fungi


why was 6 scared of 7?

cos 7 8 9


i only like sh!t jokes
:oops:

there is nowt shit about that joke, pure comedy class.

OwenBird

A man goes to the doctors with some lettuce hanging out of his trousers. The doctor takes a quick look and goes "Oooh, this looks nasty". The bloke says "That's just the tip of the iceberg".

A man goes into the doctors with a steering wheel sticking out of his waistband. Toe doctor says "what seems to be the problem?" and the bloke says "I don't know but it's driving me nuts".

bannedbiker

bails87 wrote:

Dogs really are mans best friend. Dont believe me? Lock your wife and you dog in the boot of the car for a couple of hours, then see which one is pleased to see you when you let them out...!

Thief!!

bannedbiker

Man goes into the doctors wearing nothing but cling-film for pants. The doc says: "i can clearly see your nuts"

Fantastic Mr Fox

Bike Radar, that's a joke.

Oh wait, what?

UKMB's admins and mods, now they really are a joke.

_________________________________________________________________________

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

cat_with_no_tail

Sounds like Jimmy Carr to me

Foll Zofalot

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small
stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said

"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Foll Zofalot

Here's a story that I heard someone tell. Let this be a warning to you!!!! .......

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.