Friday Humour

HungryCol

After the death of a never-married 94-year-old spinster, the rector was given a note from her personal belongings.

In the woman's handwriting were specific instructions for her funeral service. Along with the suggestions for Scripture readings and music were the following orders:

"There will be no male pallbearers. Since they wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

heavymental

After a series of serious incidents at the inflatable school, an inflatable kid got caught holding a pin. The inflatable headmaster said to him.....

You've let me down, you've let yourself down and you've let the whole school down.

owen_MTB

Great new you lot. i found a local prostitute who charges by the inch!
Obviously i can afford her but i thought it might be a cheap night out for you


A man said to hia wife "i had to show my chest hairs to get my pension!"
the wife says, "you should have shown ya c0ck and we would have got disability!"

jonesy124

Why are blokes like old bras?
They hang around your boobs all day and give you no support what so ever.

How rude are these jokes allowed to be?

heavymental

jonesy124 wrote:

How rude are these jokes allowed to be?

Hit the lows Jonesy

Owens leading the way!

Kaipaith

owen_MTB wrote:

Great new you lot. i found a local prostitute who charges by the inch!
Obviously i can afford her but i thought it might be a cheap night out for you

You rushed that one didn't you?

Anyway, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, country lane. The woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG! PIG!!".

I flipped her the finger and shouted back "BITCH! COW!!". Then I collided with the pig.

meenaghman

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
"So do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t"

mr_hippo

Standing behind an old lady at a cashpoint machine, she turned to me and asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her and she fell over. "Your balance is poor, perhaps you should see a doctor!"

jonesy124

A man walks into the pub where his wife works. He is carring a chicken under his arm and he turns to his wife and says "look - this is the pig i'v been f$*king"
His wife says "thats not a pig, its a chicken"
He replys "i wasnt talking to you"

jonesy124

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, his sense of betrayal to his profession was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he would hear a voice say "dont worry about it, ur not the first to sleep with a patient and you wont be the last".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality saying "Dave, you dirty old man - you're a fu$*ing vet!!"

Eat My Dust

Got a thing about beastiality Jonesy??

McBain_v1

You know what these southern lasses are like...

Kaipaith

Eat My Dust wrote:

Got a thing about beastiality Jonesy??

Having had a look through Jonesy's MySpace blog, she does seem, um, very open to ideas.

:shock:

I used to be so innocent.

heavymental

Cue a stampede to myspace!

Eat My Dust

Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Eat My Dust

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

Eat My Dust

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

LangerDan

An Amish family go to the big city to get some supplies. While the mother is shopping, the father and son wander about and enter the lobby of a hotel. They are fascinated by a pair of sliding silver doors at the end of the lobby, which appear to lead to a tiny room. People enter the room, the doors close and some numbers light up over the doors. After a short while, the doors open again and the room is empty.

After a while, a frumpy middle aged woman enter the room, the doors close and the numbers flash. However after a minute, the doors open and a stunning blonde steps out . The boy and his dad are gobsmacked.

"Father, what is that room?"

"I don't know Jebediah,but I think you should go and bring your mother"

owen_MTB

yeah i rushed my first one :oops: you all know what i mean

A little girl goes to a barbers with her dad, She is stood eating a muffin while stood next to her dad as he is having his hair cut. The barber says to her, "your going to get hair on your muffin little girl"
she turns and says to the barber "yeah i know, im going to get tits too, ya dirty bastard"

whats long thin and smells of wee?
pensioners doing the conga :P

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."


How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue

flattythehurdler

What has a hundred legs and smells of p-iss?
The front 3 rows of richard and judy